Thursday, June 18, 2009
at 4:00 PM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
Former Yankee, Indian and Jheri Curl Association of America member Mel Hall was sentenced today to 45 years in prison for sexually assaulting an underage girl. As in a TWELVE YEAR OLD girl. Look, I get my jollies at the gym watching high school girls run the elliptical as much as anyone else, but...twelve? Really Mel? Do girls even have tittays at that age? Don't their braces kinda scratch up your junk? Were 12 year olds into Jheri Curl back then like they're into the Jonas Brothers now? Did you yell out "LET YOUR SOULLLLL GLOWWWWW" when you climaxed onto their Hello Kitty shirts? Was it weird driving them in your Merlot Brougham to Middle School after you were done playing "Yank the Yankee?"
*tries to stop laughing*
Did membership in the Mel Hall fanclub include a baseball card and some prepubescent cunnilingus? Did you show up to any of their Little League games, and if so, did you buy the "special" girls an extra snow cone? Did any of the girls stand you up because they just got their first period? Most importantly, how did you get your hair oil off of their Ninja Turtle pillowcases before their parents found out?
We at Mass Hysteria of course remember Mel Hall as the prize offseason acquisition of the great 74-89 Yankees of 1989, who also picked up legends Andy Hawkins and Steve "Noodlearm" Sax that offseason as well. Oh, the Glory Years of Yankees Past. Hall, in four years in New York, never became the next Great Yankee Left Fielder that the team expected, hitting only .273 in his stay and walking a staggering 82 total times over four full seasons. But hey, clearly Mel was never one known for his patience, especially when getting to first base. *rimshot* Fellow teammate Steve Balboni was asked to comment, but his shift manager at Wal-Mart would've docked his pay if he took time out of selling Jeff Gordon and Olsen Twins t-shirts to talk to us.
Mel, we wish you nothing but luck in the pokey, and remember, Jheri Curl grease can also be used as an anal lubricant. Show your Yankee Pride and take one for the team.