Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Rookie of the Year starring Thomas Edward Brady Jr.

31-year-old Tom Brady, whose was born with a mixture of semen from Joe Namath and Alexander the Great grew up dreaming of playing football, despite his physical shortcomings. After Tom's knee is broken during a regular season game against the Chiefs, the tendon in that knee heals too tightly, allowing Tom to run as fast as pre jail Michael Vick. Tom is spotted rehabbing at nearby Gillette Stadium by Nick “The Fink” Casserio, the general manager of the struggling New England Patriots, after Tom outruns Lawrence “Kool Aid” Maroney, and it seems that Tom may be the quarterback that team owner Bob Kraft has been praying for. At first, Patriots coach Bill Belichick doesn't like Tom being on the team, but despite the rawness of his talent, Tom revives everyone's team spirit and reignites the enthusiasm of the fans.

While money hungry Bob Kraft pulls strings behind the scenes to line his own pockets, Tom begins to hang out with veteran quarterback Drew "Rocket" Bledsoe, whose injuries are curtailing a once sparkling career. While Tom bonds with Drew, Tom's friends resent Tom's star status when he arrives late to help them at a University of Michigan frat party. Brady endorses several products, including Stetson, where he replaces Fabio and David Beckham in the popular quasi homosexual campaign. As the Patriots head for the AFC Championship, Bob inexplicably agrees to hand over Tom's contract to the New York Jets for 25 million dollars. Gisele doesn't like that, so when Bob angers Gisele even more by stupidly saying that Tom is half his, Gisele literally punches Kraft out the door, with Tom cheering her on. Thinking about the idea of swimming in Gisele's poon, Tom starts performing badly, but he sets out to redeem himself by beating the New York Jets to win the AFC Title.

In the Super Bowl to face the New York Giants Tom trots out to the field and trips on a football and falls cinematically in slow motion on his knee. He is all right, but he now moves in the pocket like Drew Bledsoe did. After letting his teammates know what happened, Tom instead must rely on his wit with their help. He intentionally kneels on the first two downs; but on the third try he sneaks the ball to his left tackle Matt Light who waddles in from 75 yards away. He dares the safety to blitz; the safety is fooled and Tom gets another touchdown by faking a high throw of the ball and the handing the ball to Kevin Faulk who runs it in. On the final drive, down by two and determined to get his ultimate revenge, Tom throws as hard as he can, but since he but because his knee is shattered he is almost intercepted by Osi Umineyora, but drops it because he was expecting a much faster throw. Osi is not fooled with Brady's next play and he almost sacks him, but Tom got just enough to throw it to the sidelines. Rattled, Henry bides his time and walks around on the mound. He notices some tape on the inside of his gloves, which he had previously thought was his father's glove, and peels it back to find his Bridget Moynahan on it. Surprised, he turns to his baby mama in the stands and says, "Bridget? It was you?" She nods that it was her.. Moynahan mouths to him, "Go fuck yourself” referring to Tom’s son he hasn’t seen since birth.. Regaining his confidence, Tom lobs a palm-down underhanded screen pass to Wes Welker. Everyone watches in slow motion as the ball flies high in the air and then down toward the receiver. Osi is surprised at first, then licks his lips in anticipation as the ball begins to slowly drop, but he clubs wildly at the ball and misses and Welker runs it in for a touchdown.

Ashamed, Umineyora falls down and cries at home plate while the Patriots and their fans celebrate winning the Super Bowl.!!


SmartyBarrett said...

Also, "Rocket" Bledsoe is banging Brady's mom.

ballamiguel said...

And quarterbacks coach Bill O'Brien is undeniably insane.

"Let's play some ball!"