Though our beloved Celtics are no longer part of the NBA Playoff landscape, there is much going on in the world of the NBA that I, your faithful "expert in jumping black people," felt obliged to comment on...
*I'm not quite sure what to make of this year's Finals. Granted, it might be the letdown of the lack of "LEBRON V KOBE QUIEN ES MAS AWESOMEO" matchup coming to pass (leading to a decrease in spontaneous ejaculations by one Mr. David Stern), but I really can't get wildly excited for a Lakers/Magic matchup. I'm a big believer in the Stan Marsh philosophy of "I think we all learned something today," and I don't know exactly what we'd learn from a Lakers/Magic Finals. If the Magic win, is it because they're a Special Team and one that teams should model themselves after for the forseeable future, or will it be because LA is softer in the middle than the modern-day John Travolta? And if the Lakers win, will anyone truly see it as "Kobe's Crowning Achievement" as his first post-Shaq championshp? Everyone (or at least myself) will just think "oh, whoopity shit, you beat the fucking Orlando Magic, congratu-fucking-lations." This is just a series of two insanely flawed teams happening to run into each other in the Finals. The Lakers, despite all their additions over the past few years, still rely on Kobe as Offensive Options 1, 2 and 3, and are severely lacking in balls and point guards. The Magic, despite their workmanlike job on Lebron and the Quadriplegics, are still a jump-shooting team with a star center that doesn't shoot outside of five feet. Color me unexcited, and I think I'm not the only one.
*Equally unimpressive is the buildup to this year's Draft. Blake Griffin seems doomed to a career on a shitty Clippers team where he'll give up touches to a team of assholes who demand the ball at every second. His best case scenario is maybe early-2000s Elton Brand, and his worst case (and possibly more realistic scenario) is somewhat closer to Nick Collison. Meanwhile, my man-crush Ricky Rubio seems destined to be on a shit-tastic team (unless he ends up in OKC), with his prodigious Pistol Pete-esque talent being wasted in some shithole like Sacto or Memphis. And past those two, is there anyone else you can really project as an NBA star coming out of this draft? For fucksake, Tyler Hansbrough is projected as a first-round pick! James Harden (Jarvis Hayes 2.0) is gonna go in the top 5! Hasheem Thabeet is African for "Shawn Bradley." This could be the worst draft since the Kenyon Martin/Stromile Swift/Darius Miles 2000 draft. Blah. Though it is funny that someone with Down's Syndrome is going to be selected as the No. 1 pick:
I'm an ungamunga Jerry's Kid...and I'm going #1!
*Came across an excellent piece in the Globe on former Durfee High/BC/Fresno State/Promises Rehab Clinic star Chris Herren in the Globe. It's glad to hear that Herren has turned his life around and gone sober, but we can chalk him up in the annals of Massachusetts high school prodigies that pissed their talent away in the name of drugs/alcohol/retardedness. Between Herren, Jeff Allison, Jeff Juden and Brian Lentz, this region sadly has a reputation of producing high-talent stars who cannot handle the spotlight of becoming a sports prodigy, and therefore turn to various substances to help piss their once-promising athletic careers away. If you are a local drug dealer, PLEASE do not sell OxyContin to anyone who has even a semblance of athletic ability, as that shit turned sure-fire stars like Herren and Allison into cautionary tales. If a prospective superstar is really hankerin' for drugs, just sell them some weed, hand them a DVD of Aqua Teen, and make sure they get to bed early with a bag of Funyuns.