Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The NBA: It's Blah-Tastic


Though our beloved Celtics are no longer part of the NBA Playoff landscape, there is much going on in the world of the NBA that I, your faithful "expert in jumping black people," felt obliged to comment on...

*I'm not quite sure what to make of this year's Finals. Granted, it might be the letdown of the lack of "LEBRON V KOBE QUIEN ES MAS AWESOMEO" matchup coming to pass (leading to a decrease in spontaneous ejaculations by one Mr. David Stern), but I really can't get wildly excited for a Lakers/Magic matchup. I'm a big believer in the Stan Marsh philosophy of "I think we all learned something today," and I don't know exactly what we'd learn from a Lakers/Magic Finals. If the Magic win, is it because they're a Special Team and one that teams should model themselves after for the forseeable future, or will it be because LA is softer in the middle than the modern-day John Travolta? And if the Lakers win, will anyone truly see it as "Kobe's Crowning Achievement" as his first post-Shaq championshp? Everyone (or at least myself) will just think "oh, whoopity shit, you beat the fucking Orlando Magic, congratu-fucking-lations." This is just a series of two insanely flawed teams happening to run into each other in the Finals. The Lakers, despite all their additions over the past few years, still rely on Kobe as Offensive Options 1, 2 and 3, and are severely lacking in balls and point guards. The Magic, despite their workmanlike job on Lebron and the Quadriplegics, are still a jump-shooting team with a star center that doesn't shoot outside of five feet. Color me unexcited, and I think I'm not the only one.


*Equally unimpressive is the buildup to this year's Draft. Blake Griffin seems doomed to a career on a shitty Clippers team where he'll give up touches to a team of assholes who demand the ball at every second. His best case scenario is maybe early-2000s Elton Brand, and his worst case (and possibly more realistic scenario) is somewhat closer to Nick Collison. Meanwhile, my man-crush Ricky Rubio seems destined to be on a shit-tastic team (unless he ends up in OKC), with his prodigious Pistol Pete-esque talent being wasted in some shithole like Sacto or Memphis. And past those two, is there anyone else you can really project as an NBA star coming out of this draft? For fucksake, Tyler Hansbrough is projected as a first-round pick! James Harden (Jarvis Hayes 2.0) is gonna go in the top 5! Hasheem Thabeet is African for "Shawn Bradley." This could be the worst draft since the Kenyon Martin/Stromile Swift/Darius Miles 2000 draft. Blah. Though it is funny that someone with Down's Syndrome is going to be selected as the No. 1 pick:

I'm an ungamunga Jerry's Kid...and I'm going #1!

*Came across an excellent piece in the Globe on former Durfee High/BC/Fresno State/Promises Rehab Clinic star Chris Herren in the Globe. It's glad to hear that Herren has turned his life around and gone sober, but we can chalk him up in the annals of Massachusetts high school prodigies that pissed their talent away in the name of drugs/alcohol/retardedness. Between Herren, Jeff Allison, Jeff Juden and Brian Lentz, this region sadly has a reputation of producing high-talent stars who cannot handle the spotlight of becoming a sports prodigy, and therefore turn to various substances to help piss their once-promising athletic careers away. If you are a local drug dealer, PLEASE do not sell OxyContin to anyone who has even a semblance of athletic ability, as that shit turned sure-fire stars like Herren and Allison into cautionary tales. If a prospective superstar is really hankerin' for drugs, just sell them some weed, hand them a DVD of Aqua Teen, and make sure they get to bed early with a bag of Funyuns.

6 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I, for one, am looking forward to the excitement of finding out which team the NBA league office has told the officials to throw the games in favor of....

ballamiguel said...

A few things to look forward to in the Finals, and I think any fan of the game can appreciate these possibilities.

1) Dwight Howard is REALLY starting to break out. I would love to see him put up 40/20 every night in this series and completely out-muscle Pau "EuroMuppet" Gasol in the process. And I'm not sure hacking him every time he's within a foot of the hoop will work...his FT% is better(70% in the last series), and you know, that whole 30 in. bicep thing.

2)Jameer Nelson returning to game action at precisely the right time. It would be nice to see him drive and kick out to one of the 9 guys on the Magic (exaggeration?) who can shoot 3s.

3) Kobe and Co. losing this series in 6 (that's my prediction) and consequently seeing that look of "I just ate a shit sandwich" look on their faces.

4) Me knowing more about bball than Obama, who predicted the Fakers in 6.

HZMLS said...

@ballamiguel

I would be very surprised if Jameer Nelson was a factor at all. Going from out for 6 months to NBA Finals game speed is going to be awfully hard

SmartyBarrett said...

is there anyone else you can really project as an NBA star coming out of this draft?

I can't think of anyone.

Boatdrinks said...

I dislike Kobe, and therefore will root for the Magic. Since I have given them no credit to beat: Celts and Cavs, I am probably going to stick with that and hope it turns out "my" way...a little reverse psyche mumbo jumbo.
I will hope Chad Ford has a real clue...although he generally doesn't.
• Flynn continues to generate buzz with his combination of speed and power -- even if he was the shortest guy on the floor. Every GM I spoke with now sees him as a lottery pick, with many projecting him in the Top 10.

GHABB,Y~! said...

I don't see Nelson being much of a factor, a) because Skip has been providing them quality minutes at the point anyways b) because shoulder problems don't exactly heal quickly and c) he'll probably see Starbury-esque minutes off the bench anyways. Any idea of him jumping back into a starting spot and playing like he did early in the season are probably unrealistic.

As far as Jonny Flynn, I really don't see how he'd be able to get his shot off in pros, not to mention the fact that small, young rookie PGS generally take a while to develop.

Also, I will neither confirm nor deny a drunken conversation Smarty and I had this weekend regarding how gay we are for Dwight Howard's arms. If I had shoulders and biceps like that dude, I'd cut all the sleeves off my shirts, New Hampshire-style.