Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Mass Hysteria Interview Series: Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald

We joke a lot here at Mass Hysteria Sports, in fact that is the primary reason we created this site. But we also want to bring you access to some of the great personalities in the Boston area. Unfortunately the big names like Don Orsillo, Tim Thomas, and Randy Moss couldn't be bothered with a group of lewd drunks like the editors Mass Hysteria. On the bright side though, we were able to snag a REAL interview with Paul Fitzgerald, otherwise known as "Fitzy". Fitzy is a beer swilling, foul mouthed Boston sports fanatic, that pops up all over the internet in video recaps such as these and over at Townie News. Fitzy has hit it big time, not only snagging an interview with us, but he will be hosting a show on NESN. Unlike 95% of the rest of the posts this interview isn't bullshit, it's all real..

You're a pretty famous dude now. How much time do you still currently spend in the Boston area?

As much as I can. I haven’t found a place that makes me happier than Fenway. I haven’t found an area I love more than Cape Cod. And I haven’t found anything I enjoy more than a cup of chowder, the steak tips and a coupla cold Harpoon IPA’s at The Four’s in Quincy.

What's your favorite place to catch a game and a beer or 12 in the Boston area?

When I’m home in Brainfree / the South Shore you can usually find me at the aforementioned Four’s. If I’m in town then anyplace that’s crammed full of Sox and suds is good by me. I do have an affinity for the Beer Works by Fenway. As a former fat kid there might not be a heaven greater than a Sox game with a coupla (or 7) pints and those damn Sour Cream ‘n Chive fries. They could be the early death of me, which means I’ll die happy.

Favorite beer to get shithoused with while watching the Pats? What beer mixes best with the tears of Yankee fans?

When getting Claus Von Shithaused watching a Pats game my favorite beers to drink are Cold, My Next One and Whatever You’re Buying.

Seriously, I might not go a second during a Pats game without a cold one. Which I’m sure makes my parents real proud. But something happens at kickoff. I become a monster, and all focus goes to the game, all distractions tuned out. I get super vision and hearing. I get super intense. And I get super beery. EVERYONE SHUT UP! GAME ON! TFB IN ACTION! SOMEONE BEER ME! That kinds stuff.

And if it’s a Colts or Jets game? LEAVE THE FITZY MONSTER ALONE.

Maybe not the best time to bring up tears, considering the recent state of Boston Sports. How are you dealing with the Bruins and Celtics losses?

How? By this very radical and experimental procedure called “forgetting it happened”. It comes from The Make Pretend Institute of Sports Science. But just simply pretending those cataclysmic Game 7 losses, at the Garden, NEVER happened, I simply feel less pain. In fact, I don’t even know what we’re talking about right now. See?

Also – it’s easier knowing the C’s took Gang Green #17 to the rafters last year and lost to Orlando, a finals team, in 7 games, without the Ticket or Powe, and with everyone else as banged up as me on a Patriots Sunday. They gave it their all, so it’s all good. And the Bruins got me back into hockey this year. I hadn’t been interested in hockey since I just sprouted man-hair in the funny places. Now, thanks to the badass the B’s brought back to the Black ‘n Gold, I’m into it again. Sad ending to a great season. Tough for many to swallow. But it’s great they’re back, and they have a badass future ahead of them. S’GO BEEZ!

Onto happier things. What is your outlook for the Sox 2009 Season?

With Smoltz and Buccholz on the way, the best bullpen we’ve ever had, and hopefully a savvy Theo the Whiz Kid GM trade for a bat on the horizon I see a gutty stretch run, playoffs and an incredibly satisfying season. I’d tell you how it all ends but then I’d have to kill you. And then Bud Selig would send his flying monkeys after me. We don’t want that. But one bat, or the resurgence/re-awakening of Big Papi means big things for this 2009 Sox squad.

Do you have any home-made Fitzy remedies to cure David Ortiz?

Sadly, the time I’ve spent watching “Breaking Bad’ has not taught me to make steroids or human growth hormone, or something powerful and legal…YET. Though if somebody needs some sweet meth I can hook them up. Contact me offline.

Seriously – this is really sad. And it bothers me every day. This is one of our walking gods – PAPI! And he can’t hit his weight, or mine, let alone a baseball out of a ballpark. I haven’t seen someone fall back to Earth and lose it this quickly since after Michael Jackson made “Dangerous”.

For Papi - I’d say “Stick with it,! Chin up! Trust your gut! Use the Force” and all that other little league coach motivational bullshit but I think the time for that has passed. We need offense from the DH spot and we need it now.

Who disgusts you more A-Rod or Manny?

Manny. A-Rod doesn’t have a legacy IN Boston, except for being a big cheating phony. And he’s lived up to that to date rather nicely. Manny was a Sox star, legend, for almost 8 years. The breaking of the curse. Two World Series titles. Manny Being Manny. He was beloved. And he walked out on all that, and us, for a few million bucks and the chance to bring his talent and patented brand of crazy elsewhere. He crapped all over Boston on the way out the door and pretends like it never happened. That’s sad and it pisses me off royally. A-Rod is just A-Rod; a hump with a need.

Tell us a little bit about your new show on NESN. And please tell us it involves Hazel Mae and/or Kathryn Tappan..

It’s a man-on-the-street sports trivia game show called “Pocket Money” (a syndicated version of the show “Beer Money” originally run on SNY, aka “The METwork” in NYC). It’s super simple; we troll the streets of Boston or wherever there might be New England sports fans, literally stopping people on their way to wherever and asking them if they want to play a three question quiz game. Get all three questions right, win $35. Get one wrong at any point and I take the money back and let rip with the ball-busting. It’s a great way for a sports fan to win some money for the night at the park or tavern, and the perfect vehicle for a clown like me who loves game shows, sports, giving away someone else’s money and making fun of people when they’re feeling disappointed or vulnerable. It’s really that easy.

By the way - The original show title was “Win Hazel Mae’s Salary!” but they changed it recently. Something with the legal department. I dunno.

More thunderous: a Jason Bay homer or a Fitzy belch?

Jason Bay’s home runs are mighty but actually kinda pretty. He has a really nice swing (no homo). Fitzy burps can be a thing of beauty too. But if we’re talking sheer force, might and awfulness then I’d say my burps take that, best 2 outta 3 falls. Mostly because of the afterburn. You know like when you see the mushroom cloud first go off after a nuke is detonated (think Sarah Connors’ LA dream sequences in “T2”)? And then the blast wave ripples through miles of surrounding areas, destroying everything in its path? Well that’s what happens to the surrounding areas after a Fitzy blast. It’s devastating. It gets really hot. Things melt. And the smell! Come on now…

One non-Boston player you wish played for a Boston team?

Hanley Ramirez. Bring me that which was once ours; the best hitting shortstop in the National League and the right handed power-hitting answer to all that ails the Sox offense. Also – Matt Kemp is a helllified ballplayer I wish the Sox had. Ryan Braun would love him some Fenway too.

The highest decibel count that your loudest belch has ever registered?

You know when they ask the crowd at the Garden to make as much noise as possible, and the fake noise meter pretends to tilt and explode? Well, that’s like a mouse fart in church compared to what I got.

If you were to invent a contraption MacGyver-style that would get beer into your body faster, what would it involve?

A contraption to get beer into me faster would involve a Mr. Fantastic of The Fantastic Four thing that could stretch my already big mouth wider so I could drink more beer faster. Nothing too creepy, like a mouth-stretching version of the eye-openers from “Clockwork Orange” or anything. I’m sure the beer geniuses at Coors Light are working on this now. If they can make a can of beer that tells me when it’s cold – because I can never tell! – then this can’t be far off.

Who's a greater threat to mankind: Osama bin Laden or the Steinbrenner family?

(in Drew Rosenhaus voice) Next question!

Now that you're working for NESN, can you get us Heidi Watney's phone number?

Yes. But it’s going to cost you a STEEP price. Got any tix to a Sox game at Fenway? They’re wicked hard to get.

Thanks Fitzy for all the laughs, and for realistically portraying Boston fans for what we really are: beer guzzling loud mouthed assholes. And for everyone else check out and Fitzy's new show which will be airing on NESN in the near future.


GHABB,Y~! said...

I don't have Heidi's phone number, but I do have a camera in her shower. Ironically, she keeps it 70's bush style, who knew?

Seriously though, well fucking done.

SmartyBarrett said...

The Make Pretend Institute of Sports Science

AKA...Make PISS?

stanley cup of chowder said...

This almost borders on legitimate journalism.

Raquel said...

I actually own the GFY shirt he's wearing in that picture. Awesome.