Friday, June 26, 2009

Great Beards in History: Zach Galifinakis

I finally got the chance to see The Hangover last weekend, and advise you all to run, not walk, to your nearest motion picture haus to see this brilliant film. I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more, and then I peed twice because I got one of those large Diet Cokes for 8 bucks.

The movie's breakout star is clearly comedian Zach Galifinakis. Zach G (I'm not writing Galifiniakis 50 times in this post, sorry) steals every scene he's in, playing a not-quite-so-quick-on-the-uptake participant in a bachelor party gone so, so right. Entertainment blogs and magazines have labeled Zach G as comedy's next "breakout star," meaning, of course, that he'll be pushed down our throats over the next two years in a Will Ferrell-esque manner. But let's soak in the good times while they're here, shall we?

Many however have wondered why Zach G has finally caught on now, after years of toil on the standup comedy scene and parts in such failed shows as "Tru Calling," "Boston Common" and his own short-lived show "Late Night With Zach." Everyone's asking, why is Zach G so suddenly hot now?

There's one reason of course, and one reason only. His fantastic beard.

Zach G's beard doesn't just border on homeless, it carries with it a Dunkin Donuts cup filled with pennies and a sign that says "Will Insert Digits for Change." His beard currently houses a beaver dam, two robin's nests, and a 1984 Craftsman crescent wrench. A woman falling overboard on a Carnival Cruise ship once grabbed onto Zach G's beard, and was pulled to safety. If you stand under his beard while it's raining, not only will you not get wet, but your entire body will be power-dried like those newfangled hand dryers that dry your hands in like two seconds.

Zach G's beard also shields him all diseases and maladies, including the dreaded "desire to dance like a Tourrete's victim while at the Ellen show," as displayed here:

Those of you unfamiliar with Zach G's beard or his work should start with The Hangover, and soon gravitate towards his seminal FunnyOrDie series, "Between Two Ferns." Here, he tickles Mikey Cera. You know what makes it funny? His awesome beard.

1 comment:

Matt said...

"When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese."

... You spelled Galifianakis wrong.