Friday, June 5, 2009

Great Beards in History: Billy Mays

Billy Mays here! You may recognize me from such great products as OxyClean, the Handy Switch, Zorbeez and the Steam Buddy, but I'm here today to talk to you about my newest, greatest product of all: THE BEARD AWESOMER!

(audience applauds)

Fellas, did you know that the average male spends 585.9 days of their entire lifetime shaving their face? That's nearly two years that could be spent hanging things on the Hercules Hook, or fixing things with the Mighty Mendit! And how many times have you had to go to work looking like this, after yet another shaving accident:

Well worry no more, because I, Billy Mays, have the handiest, dandiest new product available that will keep you from not only nicking your face, but save you all those long hours in the bathroom that could otherwise be spent cleaning up messes with the patented Zorbeez chamois! That's right folks, take a look at the Beard Awesomer, the latest technology in beard maintenance!
(audience applauds)

The Beard Awesomer uses its microscopic bristles and patented "Beard Awesoming" technology to tame even the most unruly of beards. But don't take it from me, listen to some of our satisfied customers!

"Before I discovered the Beard Awesomer, I was homeless, addicted to crack, ate my own feces, and looked like this:

But after using Billy Mays' Beard Awesomer, my life was immediately transformed. I now dress in three-piece suits and top hats every day to my multimillion-dollar per-year job, women fawn after me, and I now look like this!

Yes, with the Billy Mays Beard Awesomer, your quality of life will improve by 500%, or your money back! And I, Billy Mays, am living proof of the Awesomeness of the Beard Awesomer. Before I Awesomed my beard, I was a simple door-to-door salesman, struggling to make a buck. Now I, Billy Mays, live in a $2 million home, am paid handsomely to endorse more than 25 products, and am on television more than Barack Obama. Suck on that Sham-Wow guy, you vile foreign piece of shit trying to move in on my territory. I WILL STAB YOU WITH MY TOOL BANDIT AND BURY YOU WITH THE AWESOME AUGER.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Billy Mays, possessing such an awesome beard must be expensive. I can't possibly afford such a fantastic Billy Mays product." Well I, Billy Mays, am here to tell you that a manly beard and a fantastic lifestyle are not only within your budget, but that the price of the Beard Awesomer is so low that we're practically giving it away!

(more crowd applause)

Yes, if you act now, the Beard Awesomer, the Beard Awesomer cleaning solution, AND the Beard Awesomer Beard Maintenance Shears can be yours for the low, low price of $59.95! And if you call in the next 30 minutes, we'll throw in another Beard Awesomer, for you to keep in your car, at the office, or just taped to your body in case any beard emergencies occur during your day.

Beard Awesomer Cleaning Solution and Beard Maintenance Shears pictured

So act now, before all the Beard Awesomers are gone. Take it from me, Billy Mays: having an Awesome Beard truly is the key to happiness and success. Buy today, before they're all sold out!

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