Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dear Moron Who Calls Itself "Ian Ferris":

Congratulations on your spectacular display of retardation!

Since it's readily obvious that your horticultural knowledge only extends to, shall we say, indoor plants... it's clear that you have no clue that:

(1) There is no "official Yankee grass", other than whatever you and your equally brain-damaged cohorts smoke up in Burlingstoned -- EVERY TEAM ON EARTH uses Kentucky Bluegrass in its turf mix, because it's a good-looking, hardy, relatively wear-tolerant variety that's perfect for athletic fields. "Official Yankee grass" is only to dupe idiots who fall for any "official" marketing tactic, like "official auto glass replacement of the Boston Red Sox" or "official douchemobile of the New York Yankees." So congrats on that alone. I have an Official T-Shirt That All Yankee Fans Should Wear Because Really, It Won't Indicate ANY Lack Of Self-Awareness, Let Alone A Complete Lack of Self Awareness, Really! to sell you.

(2) When you throw seed on the ground without raking it into the soil....


BIRDS EAT IT ALL!!!!!!!






But no, really -- congratulations on your fucktardedness. And your assholianism, too, exemplified by your actually bragging to the press about your own fucktardedness. It's greatly appreciated. I truly hope that retards like yourself grow up to own and run the Yankees.

Now go turn your skull into the MOST FUCKING EXCELLENT BONG EVER!!!!!!1!11!11! Because I'm damn sure there ain't nothing else clogging up that space.



13 comments:

SmartyBarrett said...

fucktardedness
assholianism


Truly two of the finer nouns in the English language.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Wasn't Ian Ferris the guy from Joy Division (the worst non Rap-Metal band ever) who killed himself?

Auto Glass Repair said...

That is 2 funny!!!

Anonymous said...

Hah this is awesome. I know Ian Ferris very well and he got exactly what he wanted - to get Red Sox fans all riled up! It's hilarious how the Sox fans have reacted to this harmless prank. He posted his story on a phish board and the press contacted him - he can't believe all the press contacting him now... so funny

Anonymous said...

The best part is that there is a whole new meaning to "green monster" that will alway live on in Fenway. Thanks to Ian and the NY Post - the "green monster" has been hijacked by Yankees Grass Seed!

Maybe everyone is so upset because it was done so openly (as opposed to the construction worker) and you can't "dig up" the Yankees Grass Seed.

Hey - I just saw some new shoots on the pregame show......

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Anonymous:

When you stop sucking your own dick in abject pleasure over the perceived cleverness of your response... maybe it will POSSIBLY sink in that there's no "riling up" here at all. We are LAUGHING AT your retarded friend Ian, because he THINKS, in his little self-satisfied world, that he is actually riling people up. When, in fact, he's making a useless and laughable gesture that won't even come close to achieving its desired purpose.

It just goes to show the level of panicky desperation Yankee fans have reached because they lost their beloved "curse" five years ago. The hallmark of a Yankee fan is the pathological need to feel that they have some unearned advantage that will always make them superior to everyone else. In the non-sporting world, we call those people "narcissistic cocks", by the way. (And God forbid a team actually make good decisions to gain an advantage, and not just throw money at shit....)

But no -- go right ahead and sow more "Yankee" seed! It's DEFINITELY going to curse things! Hey, guess what -- I just wrote "Yankees" in pencil on a piece of toilet paper and wiped my ass with it, then flushed it! That means I cursed some Official Yankee Toilet Paper! BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, IAN!!!!!

Morons. Go toke up and stop calling the Herald. You're just making asses of yourself. Wait -- I take it back. DON'T stop. I can use the laughs.

SmartyBarrett said...

Speak for yourself, Pimp. When I heard about the grass seed (the mother of all curses, voodoo witch spells, and Ouija devil-magic, for those who don't know) I exploded into a full-blown panic, and spent several hours breathing into a paper bag. I just hope the birds ate the seed, like you said. But what if the birds were Yankee fans?!?!?! Then it's double-reversed! BACK TO THE PAPER BAG!!!!

Anonymous said...

yeah dude, you're not riled up at all lmao


Ferris got what he wanted


take the L and jog along

mookface killa said...

Landshark Stadium f/k/a Dolphin Stadiam f/k/a Pro Player Stadium f/k/a Joe Robbie Stadium uses Bermuda grass. Not everyone uses Kentucky bluegrass.

ballamiguel said...

Anyone else see the irony in how #34 hit a "Big Popup" over the wall to straightaway center field last night? Oh, the glory.

P.S. Speaking of bongs/Towlie/UVM extracurricular activities, my word verification is "Stench".

Rocco said...

I hate the Yankees, but that's pretty funny. It's grass seed, it's all the same, the dude was just goofing around. Borderline Masshole-ish post...fuck, I'm from Buffalo and still love your site, but relax.

/unless I'm missing some

Anonymous said...

I must say you do seem a little riled up there pimp, heh.

Anonymous said...

Pimp, who uses the word "fucktard", honestly? Your profile says you are in the field of law. Are those the types of words you use in the courtroom? "I object your honor, the defendant is a fucktard, and a poopface!" hmph! calm down, and quit bein' so miserable!