Friday, June 5, 2009

Breakfast With the Hysterics

Some housekeeping notes - Yesterday's scheduled "Great Beards in History" post was sidetracked when Ol' Grampa GHABBY's back started spasming out of control, leading to me spending the day flat on my back with shiny new bottles of Darvocet and Flexerall. Aaaaand, thanks to the wonders of prescription medicine, I sit here today pain-free, spasm-free and more than slightly stoned out of my gourd. To quote Poet Laureate Ice Cube, "we don't Just Say No, we're too busy saying YEAH!" But anyways, onto the sports and stuff, accompanied by flying pink Christina Aguilera monsters floating in and out of my computer screen:

*The Sox won yesterday 6-3 over the Detroit Bankruptcies. Dontrelle "HAY GUYZ, I USED TO BE GOOD, LOOK AT MY HAT ITZ FUNNY" Willis pitched another one of his patented gems, going 2.1 whole innings and giving up only five earned runs. Good job buddy! Take solace in Dontrelle's shitty pitching now folks, because he'll almost certainly be the contract the Sox have to eat when we pick up Miguel Cabrera. BECAUSE WE'RE PICKING UP MIGGY FUCKING CABRERA GODDAMNIT! Anyways, Wake pitched really well, Jason Bay lumberjacked his way into two RBIs, and the Sox swept the Tigers, which was just what the people of Detroit needed this week. If the Red Wings don't win, there's a strong possibility that the entire state of Michigan may hang themselves by the neck and testicles, David Carradine-style. (too soon?)

*In other Sox news, our favorite .187 power hitter is now "getting his eyes checked" in hopes of turning the tide on his Chernobyl season. Sure Papi, it's not because of your snail's pace bat speed, your old man knees and your sudden lack of "medication" that's the cause of your precipitous decline, no, it's because you haven't been wearing fucking bifocals. That must be it.

*The Lakers smoked the Magic in Game 1 of the NBA Finals last night, 100-75. I was ambivalent about this series heading into last night's game, but after seeing Kobe rape the Magic's puckering ruby starfruits last night, I would like to officially throw my endorsement in this series behind the Orlando Magic. Yes, I know they beat the Celtics, and yes, prolonged exposure to Hedo Turkoglu's face can cause sterility, but...they're not the fucking Lakers. Seeing Kobe's smug rapist's smirk and watching him stick jumpers at will reminded me that no soul-bearing human being could possibly root for this man and his team. Fuck that dude, and fuck his pussy-ass supporting cast. Though if Dwight Howard only gets six shots a game like he did last night, and Rashard Lewis continues to shoot 20% from the field, this series could get ugly fast. much as it pains me to say this about a team that beat the C's this year...Goooo Magic!

*In something that was announced a few days ago but definitely warrants mentioning on this site, the great and holy Kimbo Slice will be appearing on next season's version of The Ultimate Fighter, my second-favorite show airing right now behind Deadliest Warrior (which, if you haven't seen, is the greatest thing ever). Better yet, he may be coached by Rampage Jackson, who makes Wesley Snipes look like Bryant Gumbel. In tribute to Kimbo, I leave you all with a poem, culled from one of the dorky MMA message boards that I frequent when I'm not enjoying the benefits of my Naughty America subscription:

Kimbo, Kimbo, born to fight,
With a beard as black as night:
What brave fool could hope to try
To beat thy fistic wizardry?

Was it in your prison cell
That you built up your hands from Hell?
Punching punks with knuckled heat:
Is that how a n*gga eat?

Did they falter when you said,
Coldly: "Let me get my bread."
Did they, In the VIP
Doubt your heart of PCP?
What the eyeball? What the Byrd?
Overlooked thy anger spurred?
Now, vile jelly? No surprise
To hear the smack of fist 'gainst eyes!

Did Satan make a pleas'ed sound
As you cracked through the underground?
Do you in your future see,
the reigning champ of UFC?

Kimbo, Kimbo, born to fight
With a beard as black as night:
What brave fool could hope to try
To beat thy fistic wizardy?

1 comment:

Steve said...

That dorky site was Figure Four Weekly. Here's Bryan Alvarez, reading the poem, set to music.