Thursday, June 25, 2009

2009 NBA Draft Liveblog

Welcome to the 2009 NBA Draft Liveblog, where it's 1996 all over again. Shaq and Vince Carter are the two major stories heading into the draft, everyone's talking about Michael Jackson, and someone, somewhere will drunkenly dance the Macarena this weekend at a wedding. Someone hand me a "Re-elect Clinton" button before I go watch "Independence Day." WELCOME TO URFF!

While most of you are spending this time mourning the King of Boy Anal Cherry Pop, there just so happens to be an NBA Draft going on, limited in talent as it may be. We have much to look forward to tonight, including Blake Griffin's impending doom, me awkwardly hiding a boner while Ricky Rubio is onscreen, and Tyler Hansbrough starting his career as the Next Brian Scalabrine. So in the words of the late Michael Jackson, let's get this baby-fucking started!

7:23 - Before any of the picks happen, let's first comment on the two big pre-draft trades. Shaq to the Cavs - he'll now have played with Kobe, D-Wade, LeBron and (to a lesser extent) Penny Hardaway. He should start calling himself Shaq Gump. Also, I would pay good money to see Shaq dunk repeatedly on Ilgauskas in practice while Ilgauskas just sits there and takes it while looking like Lurch with alopecia.
Both of these men are simultaneously shitting

Reason 2 that I'd pay good money to watch NBA practices is the Vince Carter to Orlando trade. At least when VC sandbags this team, he'll be closer to home. "Hey Dwight, let me teach you how to loaf on defense and quit on your coach." And the prospect of Skip To My Lou going to Jersey is fantastic, both for the fact that he'll have Devin Harris killed by NYC gang members, and for the first time that Brook Lopez invites Skip to watch Spongebob with him. The NBA: Where the prospect of one teammate stabbing another happens.

7:40: Ahahaha the "boy the Clippers are the drizzling shits LULZ" montage. Somewhere Bill Simmons, J-Bug and Blueboy have an awkward three-man high five. Griffin gets picked, breathes a deep sigh of paralyzing depression, and walks up the stairs to his doomed fate. Dead man walkin!

7:45: WOW that is one shiny fucking suit on Thabeet. That's just 7-3 of sparkle right there. All the glitter on Fire Island was used to make that suit. By the way, I just checked Babelfish, and Hasheem Thabeet roughly translates to "Shawn Bradley with a better tan" in Tanzanian. However, it's fantastic that he stole Andre the Giant's voice.

7:52: NOOOOOOO. My dream of watching Rubio guide the Thunder has died a quick and painful death. YOU HAVE SPOILED DREAMS SAM PRESTI. Instead of Rubio leading the break with Green, Westbrook and Durant, James Fucking Harden will clog the lanes with his undershirt. There's no Santa Claus. There's no Easter Bunny. There's no Jesus.

Hey Presti, you needed a point guard, not a guy to start "YMCA."

7:58: And the Kings continue the anti-Spaniard racism by taking Tyreke Evans' Arms. RUBIO WANTED TO PLAY FOR YOU SACRAMENTO. HE THOUGHT YOUR CITY AND LANDSCAPES REMINDED HIM OF SPAIN. I hope Spain now invades Sacto and takes Arnold as its prisoner.


The Timberwolves are now my second-favorite team. I'm shopping for Rubio jerseys as we speak. I might learn Spanish, on the off chance he graces my presence. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE BITCHES, "PISTOL" RICKY STYLE.

8:11: Minny picks Johnny Flynn. Not sure why you draft two pure points in a row, but whatever. Also, did Jeff Goldblum die today too? At this rate, Artie Lange may wanna lay low tonight.

8:16: LOVE the Stephen Curry to Golden State pick. In that system, Curry's gonna be bombs away, all game. For those of you who play fantasy hoops, pick up Curry with the quickness.

8:27: Jordan Hill and Demar DeRozan go 8 and 9. Clearly we're in the "upside" portion of the evening. There are people who admit in public that they're Knicks fans? Also, I wonder if DeRozan's sick parents will now qualify for the Canadian health care system, and if Canada's finest medical teams can help DeRozan learn how to pronounce "physicality." Fun fact kids - DeRozan's best friend is Lil' Romeo. I'm not even kidding.

8:38: Brandon Jennings' potential and New Edition-tastic fade was ruined by being drafted to Milwaukee, but then the STAR of this draft, Terrence Williams got picked up by the Nets. For those of you that haven't read about Williams, the guy is fucking insane. He carries a Barbie backpack around campus. He wears different shoes to practice. During the national anthem of each game, he chants to himself "we are here today for another beauty of work." I can't fucking wait what this guy's going to do in the pros. He's going to make Drew Gooden seem like Richard Nixon.

8:45: Charlotte takes Dookie Gerald Henderson. Whoopity shit, Charlotte got another in-state college hero who will flop in the pros. Epic Golf Gambling Fail. And Henderson says he's competitive "because I played golf for a while." What a fucking dork. Also, to answer your questions, I'm sadly Strongbow-free tonight (it's a work night kids), thus the accurate spelling and lack of quickness.

8:50: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hansbrough goes to the Pacers. This could lead to a complete white-out starting five of Diener, Dunleavy, Hansbrough, Murphy and Foster. LARRY BIRD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE. Also, given that we're talking about Hansbrough, this picture is obligatory:

Also, my girlfriend just walked in the room, saw Stuart Scott and said "what's wrong with his eyeball?" This is the best five-minute span ever.

8:56: We hear the blastoff to a NASA launch before the Suns pick Earl Clark, leading to David Stern saying something I knew he always wanted to say "Earl is not here." Bilas notes that Clark has "incredible length," much like Lexington Steele. His nickname is "E5," giving him something in common with Scott Cooper. And then Brandon Jennings shows up out of fucking nowhere and waves at people. Sweet! Compton in the muthafuckin houuuuuuse.

9:01: Austin Daye becomes the first Somalian taken. Hey buddy, that sweater ain't gonna hide the fact that you need a sandwich or ten. Also, it seems that the Jeff Goldblum thing is a hoax, making SmartyBarrett a fucking asshole.

9:06: How come Dick Vitale couldn't have been one of the celebrities who died today? Yeah I went there.

9:08 - The Bulls take James Johnson, who was a "Martial Arts champion back in Wyoming." I wonder if he studied Rex Kwon D0. Also, seeing the Bulls pick reminds me - Danny Ainge, go fuck yourself. Don't ever speak in public again, unless it's to apologize to Rajon Rondo and hand him wads of fucking cash. Oh, and your religion makes Scientology look legit.

9:14: The Sixers continue their fecal tornado of fantastic decisions by taking Jrue Holiday, who wasn't even close to being the best guard on a terrible UCLA team last year. Hm, Andre Miller's leaving, does Philly take the guy who's at least three years away from maturing, or do they take a Ty Lawson or Eric Maynor or someone who can play, say, now? Oh, that's right, Philly's the team that overpaid for Elton Brand, my bad. Thank god they're in the Atlantic Division.

9:18: The Timberwolves are apparently collecting point guards. I am utterly befuddled. They better be trading one or two of these guys, and by "one or two" I mean "Rubio to the Celtics. NOW." And now Sick Ric Bucher tells us that Minny will be trading Lawson to Denver. That makes more sense.

9:27: Utah Jazz, please take the Jewish guy. Please take the Jewish guy. Please take the Jewish guy. Dammmnnn, they didn't take the Jewish guy. Actually, Maynor is a good pick, though he'll be stuck behind Deron Williams.

9:30: Larry Brown is druuuuuuuunk. Like "there's a 93% chance he pissed himself during that interview" drunk.

9:40: Victor Claver looks like everyone I went to high school with.

9:41: SHAQ INTERVIEW. He's sad for Michael Jackson, but wanted to "congratulate all the kids there and their families." For a second, I thought he was congratulating the kids that were living at Michael Jackson's house that could now escape. He's also had "mental" conversations with Mike Brown, but no verbal conversations. Shaq is the greatest man ever.

9:45: The Kings took the Jewish guy! I wonder if Tamir Goodman is part of his entourage.

9:51: BJ Mullens is this year's winner of the Shelden Williams Memorial Ugliest First Rounder award. Also, he only started two games for a Big Ten team, and under "Must Improve" they put "Post Game." All of that said, he's immediately better than Dampier.

10:03: Ugly Guy gets traded for French Guy, Other Salaried USC Guy is now playing on the same team as Wyoming Karate Guy, and Liver Transplant Guy is now in Memphis. I bring the newzzz.

10:08: Sadly, this draft has lacked a "Giant Draft Night Trade" or "That Dude in the Crazy Suit," two things I absolutely LOVE on Draft Nights. Not gonna lie, I figured one of the Euros would break out some crazy threads, but sadly, the wildest thing we saw all night was Harden's bowtie. Also, Wayne Ellington is a black Jason Kapono.

10:22: Cleveland ends the first round with a guy from Congo. But the highlight of the last few minutes is the trading of Darko Milicic to...New York! Darko's mood is currently....Crestfallen.And with that, I shall end this liveblog and go cure the raging case of swampass that has ensued over the last 3 1/2 hours. Godspeed.


HZMLS said...

I didn't know Paul Mooney was Blake Griffin's dad

sprite1227 said...

Harden has a kick ass beard!

PS - The bowtie rocks...

HZMLS said...

and Jeff Goldblum is dead....advice, dont do ANYTHING today

Anonymous said...

Where's the running total of Strongbow's?

Anonymous said...

That Rubio jersey will go great next to the Bobcats Morrison jersey. Did your Lakers version come in yet?

HZMLS said...

Take one pick, shit the other one away, smart Minny.

HZMLS said...

BTW the Jeff Goldblum thing is a hoax.

HZMLS said...

GHABBY where the fuck did you go I want to know about your thoughts on Damarr Derozen (or however the hell you spell it) going to the team that drafted him (I already forget)

Anonymous said...

You can take care of your little happy friend later. Less spank, more type.

Also, learn to use Cover It Live.

ballamiguel said...

Odds on the Boston Celtics selecting an American at #58?

SmartyBarrett said...

When Stern started to say "Ty.." I assumed they were picking Ty Lawson.

worst. pick. ever.

ballamiguel said...

Aww. And I used to hate the Indiana Pacers because they had Ron Artest.