Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Rich Hill is the Modern Translation of Matt Young


You are watching the end of a once promising career. There is no way that he is going to have a major league gig after this piss poor outing. <<<Side Note: Adam Jones is a lot of fun to watch, first he robs Youkilis of a home run yesterday, and then today he probably broke four ribs running full steam into the wall>>> 4 runs already through the first two innings, and an ERA this year of over 8. Part of me wants to laugh, because I drafted him as my number two starter last year before he forgot how to throw strikes, but another side of me wants to see a Boston native be successful. Too bad though, I hate seeing baseball players who live in Milton playing for the Long Island Ducks.

Back to watching John Smoltz...who for some reason has not been discussed on this site.

Dustin Pedroyer's New Gig


So I see ol' Dusty has decided to take his expertise as an advertising pitchman to the next level, and is branching out into music videos. It's a good look for him -- I think that's the most masculine I've seen him look in ages. As long as it doesn't hurt his fielding, I don't see why he can't....

Um... what?

Mariah Carey?

Uh... never mind.....

Friday, June 26, 2009

Great Beards in History: Zach Galifinakis


I finally got the chance to see The Hangover last weekend, and advise you all to run, not walk, to your nearest motion picture haus to see this brilliant film. I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more, and then I peed twice because I got one of those large Diet Cokes for 8 bucks.

The movie's breakout star is clearly comedian Zach Galifinakis. Zach G (I'm not writing Galifiniakis 50 times in this post, sorry) steals every scene he's in, playing a not-quite-so-quick-on-the-uptake participant in a bachelor party gone so, so right. Entertainment blogs and magazines have labeled Zach G as comedy's next "breakout star," meaning, of course, that he'll be pushed down our throats over the next two years in a Will Ferrell-esque manner. But let's soak in the good times while they're here, shall we?

Many however have wondered why Zach G has finally caught on now, after years of toil on the standup comedy scene and parts in such failed shows as "Tru Calling," "Boston Common" and his own short-lived show "Late Night With Zach." Everyone's asking, why is Zach G so suddenly hot now?

There's one reason of course, and one reason only. His fantastic beard.

Zach G's beard doesn't just border on homeless, it carries with it a Dunkin Donuts cup filled with pennies and a sign that says "Will Insert Digits for Change." His beard currently houses a beaver dam, two robin's nests, and a 1984 Craftsman crescent wrench. A woman falling overboard on a Carnival Cruise ship once grabbed onto Zach G's beard, and was pulled to safety. If you stand under his beard while it's raining, not only will you not get wet, but your entire body will be power-dried like those newfangled hand dryers that dry your hands in like two seconds.

Zach G's beard also shields him all diseases and maladies, including the dreaded "desire to dance like a Tourrete's victim while at the Ellen show," as displayed here:

Those of you unfamiliar with Zach G's beard or his work should start with The Hangover, and soon gravitate towards his seminal FunnyOrDie series, "Between Two Ferns." Here, he tickles Mikey Cera. You know what makes it funny? His awesome beard.

Meet Your Newest Celtic: Lester Hudson


Long after the Eternal Damnation of Blake Griffin portion of last night's draft, the Celtics last night made their first and only pick, 58th overall, third-to-last in the second round. And the C's picked a player that some of you, especially those of you that played fantasy college hoops, may recognize. For those unfamiliar, let me introduce you to your newest Celtic: Lester Hudson, pride of Tennessee-Martin.

The Good: Hudson flat-out produced in college. After transferring to Tennessee-Martin out of junior college, Hudson led the nation in scoring his junior year, and finished second in the country in scoring last year to Stephen Curry. He scored from all over, showing an ability to drain from the outside and slash to the hoop, and despite his gaudy numbers, never really seemed to force shots at UTM. Hudson produced the first-ever quadruple-double in DI history, and had 35 points and 10 rebounds against Memphis. Despite being 6-1, Hudson has also shown a Rondo-esque ability to grab boards for a small guard, posting 11 double-digit rebound games last season. He was near tops in the nation in steals during both his years at UTM as well, showing that he has at least decent athleticism.

The Bad: Hudson is a 6-1 combo guard, which never bodes terribly well in the NBA. His level of competition at UTM was suspect at best, and he didn't really prove himself against the big boys very well at predraft training camps the last two years. His lateral quickness and defensive acumen are somewhat suspect, despite the gaudy steal numbers. He also has a tendency to turn the ball over more than you'd like, though he reduced his TO numbers his senior year. Hudson also flunked out of high school, and had trouble graduating from junior college. So we're not exactly talking brain surgeon material here. Hudson is also 24 years old, the same age as Darko Milicic and a full year older than Lindsay Lohan's liver. So there's that.

The Reality: While it's not secret that the C's are in dire need of backcourt depth (we do NOT want another Marbury-type roaming the backcourt next year), the C's seem to take the "Irish Sunday Dinner" approach to their younger players, letting them simmer for roughly 5474833 hours before letting them see any actual playing time (see Pruitt, Gabe and Giddens, J.R.). With the right breaks, Hudson could be a Smush Parker/Luther Head/maybe Daniel Gibson type off the bench in a year or two, and worst case, spend two years in the D-League and never be heard from again. That said, for where the C's were picking, Hudson was a decent and one that they can stash away for a while to see if he can hack it against higher level competition in the D-League. Just don't expect him to see major minutes anytime soon.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

2009 NBA Draft Liveblog


Welcome to the 2009 NBA Draft Liveblog, where it's 1996 all over again. Shaq and Vince Carter are the two major stories heading into the draft, everyone's talking about Michael Jackson, and someone, somewhere will drunkenly dance the Macarena this weekend at a wedding. Someone hand me a "Re-elect Clinton" button before I go watch "Independence Day." WELCOME TO URFF!

While most of you are spending this time mourning the King of Boy Anal Cherry Pop, there just so happens to be an NBA Draft going on, limited in talent as it may be. We have much to look forward to tonight, including Blake Griffin's impending doom, me awkwardly hiding a boner while Ricky Rubio is onscreen, and Tyler Hansbrough starting his career as the Next Brian Scalabrine. So in the words of the late Michael Jackson, let's get this baby-fucking started!

7:23 - Before any of the picks happen, let's first comment on the two big pre-draft trades. Shaq to the Cavs - he'll now have played with Kobe, D-Wade, LeBron and (to a lesser extent) Penny Hardaway. He should start calling himself Shaq Gump. Also, I would pay good money to see Shaq dunk repeatedly on Ilgauskas in practice while Ilgauskas just sits there and takes it while looking like Lurch with alopecia.
Both of these men are simultaneously shitting

Reason 2 that I'd pay good money to watch NBA practices is the Vince Carter to Orlando trade. At least when VC sandbags this team, he'll be closer to home. "Hey Dwight, let me teach you how to loaf on defense and quit on your coach." And the prospect of Skip To My Lou going to Jersey is fantastic, both for the fact that he'll have Devin Harris killed by NYC gang members, and for the first time that Brook Lopez invites Skip to watch Spongebob with him. The NBA: Where the prospect of one teammate stabbing another happens.

7:40: Ahahaha the "boy the Clippers are the drizzling shits LULZ" montage. Somewhere Bill Simmons, J-Bug and Blueboy have an awkward three-man high five. Griffin gets picked, breathes a deep sigh of paralyzing depression, and walks up the stairs to his doomed fate. Dead man walkin!

7:45: WOW that is one shiny fucking suit on Thabeet. That's just 7-3 of sparkle right there. All the glitter on Fire Island was used to make that suit. By the way, I just checked Babelfish, and Hasheem Thabeet roughly translates to "Shawn Bradley with a better tan" in Tanzanian. However, it's fantastic that he stole Andre the Giant's voice.

7:52: NOOOOOOO. My dream of watching Rubio guide the Thunder has died a quick and painful death. YOU HAVE SPOILED DREAMS SAM PRESTI. Instead of Rubio leading the break with Green, Westbrook and Durant, James Fucking Harden will clog the lanes with his undershirt. There's no Santa Claus. There's no Easter Bunny. There's no Jesus.

Hey Presti, you needed a point guard, not a guy to start "YMCA."

7:58: And the Kings continue the anti-Spaniard racism by taking Tyreke Evans' Arms. RUBIO WANTED TO PLAY FOR YOU SACRAMENTO. HE THOUGHT YOUR CITY AND LANDSCAPES REMINDED HIM OF SPAIN. I hope Spain now invades Sacto and takes Arnold as its prisoner.


The Timberwolves are now my second-favorite team. I'm shopping for Rubio jerseys as we speak. I might learn Spanish, on the off chance he graces my presence. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE BITCHES, "PISTOL" RICKY STYLE.

8:11: Minny picks Johnny Flynn. Not sure why you draft two pure points in a row, but whatever. Also, did Jeff Goldblum die today too? At this rate, Artie Lange may wanna lay low tonight.

8:16: LOVE the Stephen Curry to Golden State pick. In that system, Curry's gonna be bombs away, all game. For those of you who play fantasy hoops, pick up Curry with the quickness.

8:27: Jordan Hill and Demar DeRozan go 8 and 9. Clearly we're in the "upside" portion of the evening. There are people who admit in public that they're Knicks fans? Also, I wonder if DeRozan's sick parents will now qualify for the Canadian health care system, and if Canada's finest medical teams can help DeRozan learn how to pronounce "physicality." Fun fact kids - DeRozan's best friend is Lil' Romeo. I'm not even kidding.

8:38: Brandon Jennings' potential and New Edition-tastic fade was ruined by being drafted to Milwaukee, but then the STAR of this draft, Terrence Williams got picked up by the Nets. For those of you that haven't read about Williams, the guy is fucking insane. He carries a Barbie backpack around campus. He wears different shoes to practice. During the national anthem of each game, he chants to himself "we are here today for another beauty of work." I can't fucking wait what this guy's going to do in the pros. He's going to make Drew Gooden seem like Richard Nixon.

8:45: Charlotte takes Dookie Gerald Henderson. Whoopity shit, Charlotte got another in-state college hero who will flop in the pros. Epic Golf Gambling Fail. And Henderson says he's competitive "because I played golf for a while." What a fucking dork. Also, to answer your questions, I'm sadly Strongbow-free tonight (it's a work night kids), thus the accurate spelling and lack of quickness.

8:50: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hansbrough goes to the Pacers. This could lead to a complete white-out starting five of Diener, Dunleavy, Hansbrough, Murphy and Foster. LARRY BIRD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE. Also, given that we're talking about Hansbrough, this picture is obligatory:

Also, my girlfriend just walked in the room, saw Stuart Scott and said "what's wrong with his eyeball?" This is the best five-minute span ever.

8:56: We hear the blastoff to a NASA launch before the Suns pick Earl Clark, leading to David Stern saying something I knew he always wanted to say "Earl is not here." Bilas notes that Clark has "incredible length," much like Lexington Steele. His nickname is "E5," giving him something in common with Scott Cooper. And then Brandon Jennings shows up out of fucking nowhere and waves at people. Sweet! Compton in the muthafuckin houuuuuuse.

9:01: Austin Daye becomes the first Somalian taken. Hey buddy, that sweater ain't gonna hide the fact that you need a sandwich or ten. Also, it seems that the Jeff Goldblum thing is a hoax, making SmartyBarrett a fucking asshole.

9:06: How come Dick Vitale couldn't have been one of the celebrities who died today? Yeah I went there.

9:08 - The Bulls take James Johnson, who was a "Martial Arts champion back in Wyoming." I wonder if he studied Rex Kwon D0. Also, seeing the Bulls pick reminds me - Danny Ainge, go fuck yourself. Don't ever speak in public again, unless it's to apologize to Rajon Rondo and hand him wads of fucking cash. Oh, and your religion makes Scientology look legit.

9:14: The Sixers continue their fecal tornado of fantastic decisions by taking Jrue Holiday, who wasn't even close to being the best guard on a terrible UCLA team last year. Hm, Andre Miller's leaving, does Philly take the guy who's at least three years away from maturing, or do they take a Ty Lawson or Eric Maynor or someone who can play, say, now? Oh, that's right, Philly's the team that overpaid for Elton Brand, my bad. Thank god they're in the Atlantic Division.

9:18: The Timberwolves are apparently collecting point guards. I am utterly befuddled. They better be trading one or two of these guys, and by "one or two" I mean "Rubio to the Celtics. NOW." And now Sick Ric Bucher tells us that Minny will be trading Lawson to Denver. That makes more sense.

9:27: Utah Jazz, please take the Jewish guy. Please take the Jewish guy. Please take the Jewish guy. Dammmnnn, they didn't take the Jewish guy. Actually, Maynor is a good pick, though he'll be stuck behind Deron Williams.

9:30: Larry Brown is druuuuuuuunk. Like "there's a 93% chance he pissed himself during that interview" drunk.

9:40: Victor Claver looks like everyone I went to high school with.

9:41: SHAQ INTERVIEW. He's sad for Michael Jackson, but wanted to "congratulate all the kids there and their families." For a second, I thought he was congratulating the kids that were living at Michael Jackson's house that could now escape. He's also had "mental" conversations with Mike Brown, but no verbal conversations. Shaq is the greatest man ever.

9:45: The Kings took the Jewish guy! I wonder if Tamir Goodman is part of his entourage.

9:51: BJ Mullens is this year's winner of the Shelden Williams Memorial Ugliest First Rounder award. Also, he only started two games for a Big Ten team, and under "Must Improve" they put "Post Game." All of that said, he's immediately better than Dampier.

10:03: Ugly Guy gets traded for French Guy, Other Salaried USC Guy is now playing on the same team as Wyoming Karate Guy, and Liver Transplant Guy is now in Memphis. I bring the newzzz.

10:08: Sadly, this draft has lacked a "Giant Draft Night Trade" or "That Dude in the Crazy Suit," two things I absolutely LOVE on Draft Nights. Not gonna lie, I figured one of the Euros would break out some crazy threads, but sadly, the wildest thing we saw all night was Harden's bowtie. Also, Wayne Ellington is a black Jason Kapono.

10:22: Cleveland ends the first round with a guy from Congo. But the highlight of the last few minutes is the trading of Darko Milicic to...New York! Darko's mood is currently....Crestfallen.And with that, I shall end this liveblog and go cure the raging case of swampass that has ensued over the last 3 1/2 hours. Godspeed.

Day of Death

Jesus first Farrah Fawcett, now Michael Jackson. Only 50 years old. Was it the compulsive plastic surgery? We probably will never know, but for now enjoy the best music video ever (well I would have put it in, but MJ didn't allow embedding of videos on blogs):

PS- Don't trade Rondo.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Do Not Trade This Man


When I first heard that the C's were dangling Rajon Rondo, my first reaction was "oh Chad Ford, you muckraker you, I will not react to your attempts to raise my blood pressure and punch my computer." Rondo, as I've espoused many a time on this fair site, is a top-5 NBA point guard in only his third year, an unrivaled defender at his position, and is quicker than any guard in the league not named Derrick Rose. Surely, Chad Ford must have been jesting when he said that Danny Ainge, he of the awesome post-heart attack drugs, was offering the C's franchise point guard for a lottery spot in the worst draft since Darius Miles was picked #3 (minus my man-crush Ricky Rubio, OBVIOUSLY).

But then I heard the rumors again. And again. And again. And then this morning I read that the C's offered Rondo and Allen for the rotting corpse of Rip Hamilton, the not-nearly-as-good-as-everyone-thought Rodney Stuckey and circus freak Tayshaun Prince (seriously, the dude can tie his shoes without bending over, WTF). Such a trade would gobble up any and all cap space the C's may ever have in the future, turn us into Pistons '08 (a horridly shitty team) and, most importantly, get rid of the best pure shooter in the league and a franchise PG in the name of picking up three questionable players.

So it was of much surprise (and relief) to me when I heard that the PISTONS rejected the trade, proving that Joe Dumars is still the guy who drafted Darko Milicic over Carmelo Anthony. Really Joe? You think that adding Allen (and his $20m coming off the books next year) and Rondo would make your 8th seed team worse rather than better? Don't get me wrong, I'm ELATED you rejected the trade, but you're still dumb as a bag of rocks. And don't even get me started on how dumb this offer was on Ainge's account, as, best-case scenario, he's royally pissed off a player he reportedly wants to sign to a long-term deal before he becomes a free agent in 2010.

But the problem still persists - why in HELL are the C's shopping Rondo? I don't care if he shows up late to games, has trouble shooting outside of 12 feet and eats first-trimester aborted fetuses, the guy is A FRANCHISE POINT GUARD, of which there are few in the league. Look - the C's, as currently constituted, have probably one, maybe two legitimate championship runs left, especially if KG comes back healthy and they pick up a few (cheap) serviceable reserves. Why jeopardize that? Why "build for the future" when Rondo IS the not only the future but damn effective in the present, and the team's two best players are in the waning days of their effectiveness? The Celtics' time is NOW, not the future, to win another championship, and upsetting the apple cart at this stage in the game would be two huge steps back for a franchise that only recently started taking steps forward.

For the majority of my Celtics fandom, the team made an embarrassing habit of making short-sighted trades that mortgaged the future for a questionable present. As a hardcore fan, it frankly sucked. Here's hoping that Danny doesn't do that again.

Friday, June 19, 2009


Boston Sports Weekend Preview- Monsoon Racist Native American Nickname Edition


The Raquel Memorial Glitter Logo

Reader Rocco once commented that I complain about the weather too much, and that if I don't like it I should move. Well if you think I bitch too much about the inconsistent temperatures and rainfall, don't read on. The Red Sox are scheduled to play three games against the Atlanta Braves this weekend, but that is all pending that the nonstop dreary, god aweful overcast and rain stops long enough to let them play 9 innings. And no more of this 5 inning bullshit, that game should have never started in the first place last night. Now let's look at the weekend matchups.

Friday Night: Kawakami vs Dice K.
So in Game 1 we have the Braves shitty Japanese import vs the Red Sox equally horrible Japanese pitcher. Dice K hasn't resembled a quality pitcher at all, and tonight probably will be no different. With the rain pouring expect a four to five hour affair with each pitcher lulling us all to sleep with non stop 3-2 counts and WALKS WALKS OH GOD NO MORE WALKS. Then again if the Braves start Jeff Franceour there is at least one automatic out in the lineup, and trust me Dice K, he will swing at ANYTHING.

Prop Bet: Dice K will pitch 6 innings throwing 140 pitches, walking 11 and only allowing 1 run on 2 hits. Sox win 4-3.

Real Bet
: I'll take the Japanese guy that has pitched here longer in an epic-ly uninteresting game. More than likely though: Rain Out.

Saturday's Game: Derek Lowe vs Josh Beckett: Though he is been gone for almost five years now, this will be Derek Lowe's first return to Fenway Park since he oddly showed up for the 2004 Ring Ceremony, as property of the Dodgers. Captain Kickass's last start wasn't as bad as many make it out to be, he missed on a few pitches, but he still was in control of a very good Phillees lineup for most of his start.

Prop Bet: Derek Lowe spends most of the first three innings crying on the mound, wishing he could have resigned with the Red Sox instead of widdling away on an Atlanta club that has absolutely no chance of making the playoffs. In between innings he escapes to John Henry's box and does what his favorite Boston activity: drink lots of booze.

Real Bet: Lowe has been pretty good this year, and I have this sneaking suspicion that he might be able to control this Red Sox lineup with tons of ground outs. Well that's if we can play a game without three inches of goddamn rain.

Sunday's Game: Jair Jurrjens vs Tim Wakefield: Here is a fun fact about Jair Jurrjens, he was born in the Netherlands. Want to know anything else interesting about him? Too bad, I have nothing. Tim Wakefield could continue his campaign to make the all important All Star Game (sarcasm) with a solid outing against the Braves. Then again Joe Maddon probably will pick Matt Garza, James Shields, Scott Kazmir (why not), Andy Sonnanstine, Dan Wheeler, and David Price all to play, and leave Wakefield and his 10+ wins off the team. Interesting factoid about Wake, he averages almost 10 runs a game in run support. Woopeditydoo.

Prop Bet: Double J does what any good Dutch person does before a stressful event, they get stoned. As the Red Sox fan heckle him mercilessly he freaks out on the mound rips his uniform off and invades the concession stand trying to get as many Fenway Nachoes before he is arrested by the fat cop who fist bumps Papelbon

Real Bet Did I mention the Braves aren't very good? Well Double J (look I'm too lazy to spell his name over and over again) has lost his previous three starts, and he will lose again to the Sox. Boston beat Philly 2 out of 3 in Philly, I expect a sweep here. Like I always do. Or a weekend full of rain outs. Goddamn it.

Have a great weekend everyone. It's summertime.

My Thoughts Exactly


If you are like myself and am sick of listening to the Kobe Bryant/Phil Jackson sploogefest on basically every media outlet, you will enjoy this. Paul Pierce in all his glory, has fallen to the dark side and started a Twitter page (We can't judge, after all Mass Hysteria has one too). Pierce like the rest of Boston, thinks the Celtics have a good chance in 2010:

"Lakers vs orlando. Looked like a german sherperd vs a poodle that's ok the rotwieler celtics will b back in 2o10"

Hood! Part of me wants to rip on Pierce for spelling Rottweiler wrong, or for the "b", or some easy "see there is a KU education for you" jokes, but the Celtics don't pay him to spell. All that matters is our captain is ready for war next year, and Kobe, Lebron and Dwight Howard better look out. Now spend the rest of this dreary morning staring at that girl's enormous behind, and realize that Paul Pierce probably showed her The Truth.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Twelve Year Olds Dude. Twelve Year Olds.


Former Yankee, Indian and Jheri Curl Association of America member Mel Hall was sentenced today to 45 years in prison for sexually assaulting an underage girl. As in a TWELVE YEAR OLD girl. Look, I get my jollies at the gym watching high school girls run the elliptical as much as anyone else, but...twelve? Really Mel? Do girls even have tittays at that age? Don't their braces kinda scratch up your junk? Were 12 year olds into Jheri Curl back then like they're into the Jonas Brothers now? Did you yell out "LET YOUR SOULLLLL GLOWWWWW" when you climaxed onto their Hello Kitty shirts? Was it weird driving them in your Merlot Brougham to Middle School after you were done playing "Yank the Yankee?"

*tries to stop laughing*

Did membership in the Mel Hall fanclub include a baseball card and some prepubescent cunnilingus? Did you show up to any of their Little League games, and if so, did you buy the "special" girls an extra snow cone? Did any of the girls stand you up because they just got their first period? Most importantly, how did you get your hair oil off of their Ninja Turtle pillowcases before their parents found out?

We at Mass Hysteria of course remember Mel Hall as the prize offseason acquisition of the great 74-89 Yankees of 1989, who also picked up legends Andy Hawkins and Steve "Noodlearm" Sax that offseason as well. Oh, the Glory Years of Yankees Past. Hall, in four years in New York, never became the next Great Yankee Left Fielder that the team expected, hitting only .273 in his stay and walking a staggering 82 total times over four full seasons. But hey, clearly Mel was never one known for his patience, especially when getting to first base. *rimshot* Fellow teammate Steve Balboni was asked to comment, but his shift manager at Wal-Mart would've docked his pay if he took time out of selling Jeff Gordon and Olsen Twins t-shirts to talk to us.

Mel, we wish you nothing but luck in the pokey, and remember, Jheri Curl grease can also be used as an anal lubricant. Show your Yankee Pride and take one for the team.

Great Beards in History: Joaquin Phoenix


Dear Joaquin Phoenix,

I know everyone has dismissed you as "off your rocker" and "batshit crazy" ever since your memorable Letterman appearance, but I, as a connoisseur of Beards, have gained more respect for you in recent months. You see, my respect for you is not because of your budding hip-hop career, or your non-Green usage of gum under Letterman's desk, but rather, your growth of an utterly fantastic beard.

Sir, you are walking the Path Less Traveled, and for that, I commend you. Sure, it may lead to "no more movie or television roles" and "restraining orders from any and all women," but you have instead chosen to walk the hallowed halls of the Men of Beards. Your beard, in its glory, reminds many of Rick Rubin, Will Ferrell in that scene in Anchorman when he drank the warm milk, and that homeless guy I saw in New York City this weekend who held up a sign that said "NEED DRINKING MONEY."

So, brother of Dead River Phoenix, we at Mass Hysteria urge you to stand tall. To stand proud. To stand...beard. And by all means, keep us updated on that hip-hop career. I'll be sure to listen to your Mad Beard Rhymez.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

(Photo courtesy of boston.com)

So I know it's only mid-June, but hot damn I am excited about this Red Sox team. Another win last night, moving them to 11-3 in June, all against some damn good teams. Ortiz is starting to hit again (and to the opposite field, too. Woot.), the starting pitching has been great, the bullpen has been AMAZING, and they're just flat out WINNING. What more can you ask for? And what I don't get is the fact that everyone seems hell-bent on trading someone?!? "Oh, gotta move Brad Penny." "Gotta jettison Lugo." My question is WHY? They're in first place by three games, they have the best record in the AL, and they're playing GREAT! Yes, Smoltz is coming back, Buchholz is waiting in the wings, and Lowrie is almost ready, but so what? I think they're playing this just right. Everyone relax on the trade front - we don't need to start juggling players and making deals for the sake of making deals. Last I checked, depth wasn't a terrible thing.

In other news, the Yankees lost. To the Nationals. The worst team in baseball. This was in interesting match-up to me, as it pitted a team that is on pace to have the worst season in history against a pitcher who has already started off as the worst starter in history. But the Nattys, thanks to Adam Dunn (one of my favorite non-Sox players in the league), emerged from this tornado of terrible. So be sure to remind your Yankee fan friends that their team lost to the worst team in baseball. On the plus side for them, Chien Ming Wang lowered his ERA to 451247.14. So there's that.

The U.S. Open of Golf starts today, folks. Maybe this excites only me and like 8 other people, but I enjoys me some majors. Plus, something about a course named "Bethpage Black" gets me all hot and bothered. But it's time for a senseless prediction, and I'll go with Mike Weir to win the whole thing. Maybe it's Jason Bay that has me loving Canada again, but this dude can sink some putts. LIKE A BOSS!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Gigantic Wastes of Time


If you are part of this "Facebook Group" don't ever read our site again. No this post isn't a political statement (thought this whole outrage thing is more retarded than Tr....nevermind), it's just our jokes are infinitely more offensive than anything David Letterman has ever said. And my mom would prefer not to have 250 protesters outside of her basement.

That is all.


You're Kidding Right? Morally Outraged Edition


Donte Stallworth is going to jail for killing a man, while driving drunk, in fact 2x over the limit. No, he isn't going away for twenty years. Not ten. Not five. Hell he isn't even going to jail for a year. Mario Reyes, the victim in this case, was worth 30 days in prison and an undisclosed amount financial settlement. Now, I am all about rehabilitation and forgiveness for a mistake, but ONE MONTH? You would get more time getting caught with a bag of weed, or shoplifting a can of baby formula at a grocery store. To his credit Stallworth from most accounts seems remorseful, but to me this just sounds like another professional athlete buying his way out of trouble. First Leonard Little gets away with killing a man, and now Donte gets the most egregious gross slap on the wrist. I mean what Michael Vick did was very wrong, but how the hell did he get more time than a guy who ran down a guy with his car, drunk? Oh, he was jay walking, nice loop hole! THIRTY DAYS???? GOD! Well at least the Browns can now count on Stallworth having one good game next year and completely disappearing for the other 15. That is unless Roger Goodell suspends him (crosses fingers), or bans him from the NFL .

Breakfast With the Hysterics


This morning I realized that your faithful editors had forgotten to mention the merciful end of the 3 month extravaganza that is the NBA and NHL playoffs. I understand the need for off days, but these two playoffs seem to go on forever. Seriously when did the Celtics play the Bulls? Wasn't it the middle of April? First the NBA. What a goddamn borefest. Stan Van Gundy couldn't get his own team out of their own way, and Dwight Howard vanished under the threat of Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum, while Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkeyglue matched each other brick for brick. In Game 5 it seemed like the only Magic player that remember how to shoot a three was JJ Reddick. Not only were most games never very close, but if you stayed to listen you got to experience a virtual Kobe Bryant explosion by every analyst on TV. Yes I get it, the acquitted rapist is as good as Jordan and better than Lebron, just look at the f'n smug look on his face even he knows it, you don't need to tell us over and over again.

The NHL playoffs on the other hand, was, well awesome. The Detroit-Pittsburgh series was everything you could have hoped for. You had close games, the series went seven, and the favorite lost on one goal that almost went in with less than a minute left in the game. The NHL needed a series like this, one that let their wunderkind Sydney Crosby ascend to the throne of Superstar, and give the public what they wanted: hard hitting, good hockey. Then again, I know little about the sport and I'm sure Raquel or SCOC will tell me that I'm an idiot. Oh and by the way I saw Phil Kessel at a casino this weekend, so that happened.

In Mass Hysteria's neverending search to bring you random stuff, we present you a video from the British TV Show The Mighty Boosh. In this video (NSFW), you meet the character "Old Gregg", and..well just let the video speak for itself. Have a great day everyone.

Monday, June 15, 2009

You're Kidding, Right?

Every time I think of why Mass Hysteria was started in the first place, I in part think of people like this.

Someone who calls himself "Josh D." (the D presumably stands for douchebag, dolt, doofus, dickhead, or dingus) emailed Boston Dirt Dogs the following, RE: yesterday's Sox game. And I quote ([sic]'s not included):

"What a dump of a performance yesterday. Beckett looked like absolute crap, Francona decided to give players 2 days off. Were we out partying last night? For the kind of money we pay these players, the only thing on their minds should have been PUMMELING the Phillies at all costs Sunday and finish them off with a demoralizing sweep. Champions FIND a PATH and DEMORALIZE their opponents with sweeps."

Wow. Where do I begin?

*deep breath*

Dear Josh D.,

1. You're exactly the type of fan that sometimes makes me feel embarrassed to cheer for the Sox. Whenever I think about putting on my Bay or Beckett or throwback Marty Barrett jersey outside of New England, I think of people like you, and wonder whether outsiders will look at me as a Sox fan and think I'm as big of an idiot as you sir. You're the kind of space-shot that expects the Sox to win every damn game, and irrationally flips out when they don't. Not to say I or any other fan DOESN'T want them to win every game, but be realistic you jackass. And in case you didn't realize, the Sox are 9-3 in June, and they have played ALL FIRST PLACE TEAMS. I'm including the Yankees in that because they were in first when the series against them began. ...I'm sorry, what's that? Yan-KEES suck? Yeah, go play in traffic, asshole. Take a step back, look at the big picture and chill the fuck out.

2. Beckett looked like absolute crap, eh Josh Doucheface? Well if you actually watched the game instead of drinkin' bee-ahhs while watching midget porn, you'd know that he pitched...meh. I wouldn't classify it as "absolute crap." He ran into some bad luck in terms of some hits falling in where no one was, and he made some good pitches that just got hit. That's what the Phillies can do, you fucking moron. I guess his 0.76 ERA, 0.76 WHIP, and nearly 3/1 K/BB ratio in his previous 5 starts wasn't good enough for you, you ungrateful prick.

3. Oh wow, criticizing Francona, that's a new one. "Oh no, he gave two guys days off even though the Sox have an off-day today?!?! What a bad manager!" Die. Seriously, just die. Let's see who he gave the days off to. Jason Varitek. What was he out partying? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. He caught a 13-inning game Friday night and then, due to a rain delay, was behind the plate until after 12:30 AM Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sunday's game started at 1:30 PM. DOOD WHY CAN'T HE SUCK IT UP? I bet you're over 300 pounds, Josh Dickhole, and you have no idea what this so-called "physical activity" is, short of fist-fucking your dog. Who got the other day off? Dustin Pedroia, who is 2 for his last 28. And Josh Dumbass, I can tell you're exactly the type of fucktard who would be flipping a shit if Pedroia played, went 0 for 4, and the Sox lost the game. WHAAAT DA FACK IS FRANCOHHMA DOOOWIN? WHY DID HE STAAAHHT PUH-DROYAAAHH? And by the fucking way, Varitek's replacement George Kotteras reached base 3 times and scored a pair of runs. And take your pick as to who Pedroia's replacement was: Julio Lugo reached base 4 times, scored a run and knocked in a run, and Nick Green went 3 for 5 with a homer and an RBI. THE LINEUP YOU'RE BASHING SCORED SIX GODDAMN RUNS!

4. "With the kind of money we pay these players..." You sound like you're 80 years old. Seriously. Why don't you just say "I remember when Jim Rice and the other negroes used to play 162 games and they liked it!" CHAMPIONS FIND A PATH blah blah blah this is just COMPLETE nonsense. You're a fucking terrible fan and probably a terrible person. Kindly fuck off and die.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Wrestlers of Yore: Ric Flair


When I first started these "Wrestler of Yore" tributes, my Great White Whale was always Ric Flair. I had already written a 173-page tribute to Flair, otherwise known as my "college thesis," which received an A+++++ for and is still revered through the halls of a particular rent-a-college on the North Shore. I once offered to write a Flair tribute for the Leitch-era Deadspin, but received an "uh, thanks but no thanks" from Will. I've always wanted to sit down and write a tribute to the greatest man who has ever lived for all the interwebz to read. The problem, obviously, has been how to express my admiration for Flair in a concise enough manner that would actually be read by a worldwide (okay, maybe just a few friends) audience without the dreaded "too long, didn't read" response. How do I succinctly express his greatness?

And then it hit me.

Who is the one person Flair, in his illustrious career, has never beaten? Who is widely revered by mankind as much as I revere Flair? Who is universally respected by the unwashed masses as the "World's Greatest Man?"

Jesus Christ.

That's right, in the BATTEL to end all BATTELS, this Mass Hysteria shall pit the great Ric Flair, the Jet-flyin, Limousine-ridin, Kiss-stealin, Wheelin-dealin WHOOOO Naitch-a-Boy against the "Son of God," Jesus Christo. Who is the Deadliest Warrior?


Jesus: Coincidentally born on Christmas, had a bunch of wise men come and deliver him gold, frankensence and myrhh, had Charlie Brown do a play about his birth.

Flair: Not sure what city he was born in, adopted by a Detroit gynecologist who later settled down in Minnesota.

Advantage: Jesus. Because of the frankensence.


Flair: Went to high school in Minnesota, was a good enough football player to earn a scholarship from the U. of Minnesota. Banged a lot of chicks working as a lifeguard at a pool. Ended up training at Verne Gagne's academy alongside the Iron Sheik.

Jesus: Learned carpentry.

Advantage: Flair. Because of Sheiky.


Jesus: Turned water into wine, started to do some preaching, healed the nobleman's son at Canaa.

Flair: Survived a broken back in a plane crash to win the NWA title for the first time in 1981. Given the honor of the "Nature Boy" from the original "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers. Banged a lot of chicks. Turned wine into the banging of a lot more chicks.

Advantage: Flair. Jesus didn't break his back, nor did he beat Dusty Rhodes.


Flair: So many to choose from, but my favorite has to be when he gave Ricky Morton a training bra, immortalized here:

Jesus: Sermon on the Mount.

Advantage: Tie, if only because Mounts are pretty hard to give sermons on.


Jesus: That whole "Son of God" thing.

Flair: Sixteen, sixteen, SIXTEEN-time World Champion. Seven-time Wrestling Observer Wrestler of the Year, eventually had the award named after him. Six five-star matches rated by Dave Meltzer. St. Louis Wrestling, NWA, Pro Wrestling and WWE Hall of Fame member. Given "most chicks banged by a white person ever" award.

Advantage: Flair. SIXTEEN TIME!


Flair: the Nature Boy, the Dirtiest Player in the Game, Space Mountain (the nickname for his penis), Slick Ric, the Sixty-Minute Man, The Man, The Limousine-Ridin' Jet-Flyin' Kiss Stealin' Wheelin Dealin' WHOOOO Son of a Gun.

Jesus: Savior, Son of God, Lamb of God, Hay-Zus, Yahweh, Christ on a Crutch, Christ on a Crouton, Heavy J and the Boyz

Advantage: Flair.


Jesus: Didn't have one, though if he did, though given the lack of electric guitars in his time, I bet it would've been lame.

Flair: Also Sprach Zarathustra, with a touch of WHOOOOO!

Advantage: Flair.


Flair: Dusty Rhodes, Wahoo McDaniel, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Vader, Ricky Steamboat, Terry Funk, the IRS.

Jesus: Romans.

Advantage: Jesus. Those Romans were bad motherfuckers.


Jesus: Getting killed and stuff.

Flair: Jobbing clean to Rico Constantino.

Advantage: Jesus. Nobody should job to Rico Constantino.


Jesus: Aahahahhahahha. There's no chance whatsoever that I'm going to Heaven, especially after this post.

Flair: Tomorrow night, at the Manhattan Center in New York City. For the low, low cost of $30, the one, the only Ric Flair is going to sign my college thesis at a Ring of Honor show and imbue me with some of his greatness, while I'll probably be drunk and double-Sterking. It shall be the greatest moment of my young life.

Advantage: Me. WHOOOOOOOOO!

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning again to you folks, we are back with another edition of "YANKEEFAIL" Breakfast with the Hysterics. You have probably heard it over and over again, and Yankee fans can try and spin it anyway they want, but the Sox are now 8-0 against the Boys from the Bronx. I love reading "this is only 8 games in the scheme of things it doesn't matter", which couldn't be further away from the truth. You know when 8 games doesn't matter? When you split the series 4-4, that's a wash, when you sweep three series in a row, that is a psychological edge. When your manager gives up the game because he allows your starting pitcher to throw over 120 pitches, and gassed he walks to load the bases.That isn't just one game or eight games, that is poorly managed baseball. Or when you have Brad Penny on the ropes you have Melky Cabrera lay down a bunt after Penny throw like 40 pitches through 1 1/3? That is stupid baseball. Sorry it is. And where the hell was Mariano Rivera? He is the most dominant closer of all time, and still one of, if not THE best right now, and you leave that tub of lard out there?

Whoops Nice Catch Johnny

True this was only 8 games, 8 games that the Red Sox won, but this has to make you feel good about Boston's team. David "more likely 38 years old" Ortiz hit two home runs in the span of a week, STANDING OVATION RAAHHHHHH!!!, Brad Penny pitched better than you could ever hope for from a #5 starter (I retract my whole Clay Buchholz post), and Josh Beckett is back to Captain KickAss. (Please don't mention anything about Manny Delcarmen or Ramon Ramirez). Now it's off to Philly to face the defending World Champions: Lester vs. Blanton tonight.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Great Beards in History: Michael Gross


This fact may surprise absolutely none of you, but I watched a LOT of television as a kid. I thanked the Huxtables, rather than my parents for "raising me so well" in my high school yearbook, my Friday nights were planned around the offerings of TGIF, and I, well, may have watched a bit too much wrestling as a child.

Sadly lacking from my my repertoire of television babysitters were gentlemen with illustrious and full-fledged beards. Sure, Magnum had his mustache, but the vast majority of 80's television characters were clean-shaven, save for Estelle Getty, may she rest in peace.

However, one bearded pillar of 80's prime time television stood out from the rest, and I speak, of course of Michael Gross. Who is Michael Gross you ask? Only the fucking best television Dad EVER! Seriously, in the realm of television Dads, you had Alan Thicke (a blowhard), Danny Tanner (a giant pussy) and Patrick Duffy (suffered from being Patrick Duffy). But Michael Gross - now THERE was a television Dad. In the seminal program Family Ties, Steven Keaton ruled his family with an iron fist, and flannel shirts. He had to deal with the uber-annoying Merideth Baxter-Birney for a wife, a son who would later poorly play basketball dressed as a wolf, a surreptitiously hot daughter in Justine Bateman (cmon, you guys know you wanted on) and the soul-sucking presence of Tina Yothers. Yet Steven Keaton stood strong, and he did so for one reason: he had an awesome beard.

I've consulted with my beard, and we've decided you're a shrill cunt.

Seriously, look at the carnage that came out of Family Ties. Merideth Baxter-Birney won't even get calls for Lifetime Movies of the Week anymore. Tina Yothers has been reduced to exercising with Dustin Diamond on VH1. Justine Bateman is now known as "the sister of Michael Bluth." And Michael J.Fox, well, let's just say that he's probably not blessed with the best penmanship at this current moment.

Michael Gross has no such problem. He decided to only pick the finest of roles post-Family Ties, including appearances in all three Tremors movies, a few episodes of ER, and an appearance in the finest film known to Mankind, the Vanilla Ice vehicle "Cool as Ice." Drop the zero and get with a (bearded) hero!

Gross is also an avid model train collector, which I would completely shit all over if he wasn't blessed with such an awesome beard. But since his beard is so manly and full, I now declare model train collecting to be fucking sweet, and I'm gonna go buy myself a Lionel train kit the second I get out of work. Why? Because Michael Gross, the seminal father figure in my latchkey childhood, the lone survivor of the "Family Ties Curse" and most importa
ntly, the dude in the awesome fucking beard, told me to.

Profiles in Awesomeness: St. John's Prep Lacrosse


Normally I wouldn't care about high school sports, or lacrosse in general (I know its like hockey with a stick and a ball), but this story caught my eye. St. John's Prep is an all boys school on the North Shore, and a diploma from there usually is a shoe in to an Ivy League school, a trophy wife, and a job that allows them to boss around schlubs like me. Now my interest might have to do with the fact that I know one of the player's on the team very well, and he is basically the Tom Brady of the SJP LAX team, or it might be due to the fact that I grew up on the North Shore and the Prep was infinitely superior to my school's teams in just about every sport. Who knows? Enjoy this post though , it's probably the first one ever on Mass Hysteria that deals with High School sports.

Yesterday the Prep played Duxbury over at Harvard for the State Championship in Lacrosse. Honestly I have no idea where Duxbury is, or that Duxbury was even a town/city in Massachusetts until I heard about this game yesterday. It seems that Duxbury was to Lacrosse what the '50s Celtics were to Basketball, as in they won ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME. In fact before St. John's beat them earlier this year, they had won 99 in state games this year. Can you honestly imagine doing something well 99 times in a row? Hell I can't even get out of bed everyday for work on time, let alone 99 times in a row. Well long story short Duxbury was kicking the crap out of the Prep, when SJP made a miraculous comeback with less than a minute left, Dux was only up 1. Well everything sucked after that, a botched play left the Prep down and out and Suxbury got the win.

I would like to send a special cheers and beers to St John's captain John Jennings, who got the Jesus Shuttlesworth treatment all game, and still managed to score two goals and nail on assist.
"That guy just wouldn't even let me run with the ball," Jennings said."They just wanted to deny me the ball and have a guy run around with me. He stayed in my face and didn't let me get the ball."

Jennings worked as hard as Boston Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen does when trying to get open for a three-pointer. Like Allen, Jennings sprinted, juked and ran off screens trying to shake free."

See the difference is, when Jennings was triple covered he scored points and didn't completely disappear. John, if nothing else great happens to you in life, you can rest easily knowing that you were compared to Ray Allen. Greatest.honor.ever.

MLB.com's Piss Poor Editing Department

Dear whomever proof-reads these video captions: urine trouble!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

This Never Gets Old


Boston.com has a title of an article right now: "Time to tee off on Wang"

Yes, yes it is. Well at least not after I looked at that picture. Though I do like looking at Asian chicks, maybe with a couple of beers and some low lighting. No no, she's too tall for me.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dear Moron Who Calls Itself "Ian Ferris":

Congratulations on your spectacular display of retardation!

Since it's readily obvious that your horticultural knowledge only extends to, shall we say, indoor plants... it's clear that you have no clue that:

(1) There is no "official Yankee grass", other than whatever you and your equally brain-damaged cohorts smoke up in Burlingstoned -- EVERY TEAM ON EARTH uses Kentucky Bluegrass in its turf mix, because it's a good-looking, hardy, relatively wear-tolerant variety that's perfect for athletic fields. "Official Yankee grass" is only to dupe idiots who fall for any "official" marketing tactic, like "official auto glass replacement of the Boston Red Sox" or "official douchemobile of the New York Yankees." So congrats on that alone. I have an Official T-Shirt That All Yankee Fans Should Wear Because Really, It Won't Indicate ANY Lack Of Self-Awareness, Let Alone A Complete Lack of Self Awareness, Really! to sell you.

(2) When you throw seed on the ground without raking it into the soil....


But no, really -- congratulations on your fucktardedness. And your assholianism, too, exemplified by your actually bragging to the press about your own fucktardedness. It's greatly appreciated. I truly hope that retards like yourself grow up to own and run the Yankees.

Now go turn your skull into the MOST FUCKING EXCELLENT BONG EVER!!!!!!1!11!11! Because I'm damn sure there ain't nothing else clogging up that space.



According to today's Memphis Commercial Appeal (and frankly, who doesn't read that fine broadsheet), the Grizzlies are entertaining offers for their No. 2 selection, widely reported to be the spot where my basketball Tebow, Ricky Rubio, will be drafted. According to the article, the suitors for the Rubio pick are Houston, New York and...Boston?

Now, the first reaction of our fine readership will of course be "what the fuck do the C's want with some 18-year-old Spanish point guard?" To that I first say, fuck you, ANY team would be made immensely awesomer by the inclusion of a player who's half Pistol Pete Maravich, Half Steve Nash and Half Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Anyone who doubts that should watch one of Rubio's YouTube highlight reels, and if you can keep yourself from getting an erection during them, I'll give you a dollar:

Now that you are fully engorged, let me drop some logistics on you. Ray Allen's contract (which would probably be the main trading bait in any deal with Memphis) is expiring at the end of the year, and as much as I love me some Jesus Shuttlesworth, trading him away would free up roughly $20m for the vaunted "Summer of 2010 Free Agency Class," which features everyone from LeBron to D-Wade to Mark Madsen, or the money could be used for this year's not-terribly-bad free agency class. Also, that freed-up money could be used to re-sign Rondo, who will almost certainly be asking for Max Dollars, especially coming on the heels of his elite play in this year's playoffs.

"But what will the C's do with two point guards," you nasally whine. First off, as we learned in the last two years, it's always a good idea to have a skilled backup point guard, specifically one not named Sam Cassell or Stephon Marbury. So worst case, the precocious Rubio spends a year or two ably backing up Rondo, bulking up, and learning the rigors of the NBA. From there? Well then the C's would have two top-level PGs who can create, slash, dish and play D. (okay, Rubio doesn't play D as well as Rondo, but he can certainly be taught) Playing the two together would absolutely scare the BEJESUS out of teams, having two insanely skilled point guards on the court at the same time. Would the C's need a deadeye shooter to compliment them? Obviously. But Rubio also can stick the three-ball, and if having two PGs means that Pierce can stay on the perimeter and not have to worry about being gang-raped on every possession, well then all the merrier. And if Rondo decides not to re-sign *shudder* then Rubio would be one hell of an insurance policy.

Look, this may end up being a moot point, but the thought of having Ricky Rubio on the C's brings to mind countless possibilities for a team that ran out of them in this year's playoffs. Vote early. Vote often. Vote Rubio.