Friday, May 1, 2009

Weekend Sports Survival Guide

You may have already read about what is going on this weekend, but here it is again. The unholy trilogy of the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox all will be playing this weekend. So if you are like myself you have your entire Friday Saturday and Sunday set, and you are already working on your ass groove on the couch. This weekend could be very stressful for us all; Will the Bulls take it to the C's in Game 7? CAN THE RED SOX FUCKING WIN IN TB???? And how will the Bruins stop the scorching Hurricanes? If you have a life (I don't) you are probably going to be out somewhere in Boston watching the game at a Bar or Speakeasy. But for the rest of you losers let me make some recommendations to help you handle your weekend of sports watching.

Recliner Shitter. Who ever said that our site is too classy to talk about pooping? But with the constant shoveling of buffalo wings, popcorn, hotdogs, and every other greasy food within arms length. Bathroom trips are a necessity, especially if you imbibe a little in the boozin. What is the worst thing about finding time to relieve yourself during a sporting event? MISSING THE DAMN GAME. In those two minutes it takes to use the bathroom you could miss Zdeno Chara decapitating a Hurricane, or Brad Miller smashing Rondo's face into the Parquet. If you really want to maximize your tv watching time, buy 300 feet of cable, and set up your TV up in your bathroom.

A ball gag, for those loved ones that don't know the difference between a three point shot and home run. You will find this particularly useful for the girlfriends/wives that want to talk about their best friend's pregnancy, the newest episode of Lost, or their feelings. Seriously, do you want to hear about what color she wants to paint your hallway, or Tommy Heinsohn verbally abusing the refs and Kurt Heinrich. You may try to ask her to watch the game, but for her that is like trying to read Vonnegut in Russian. Simply go up to your loved one and say "Honey I sat through Fever Pitch with you, just put this on for the next three days....Love you"

Ham Chips. Yes Ham Chips. So when I went over to Spain last week I found out that they have this fantastic new creation that combine two of God's greatest creations: Ham and Potato Chips. They are made by Frito Lay, and are right there in the aisle with Sour Cream and Onion and BBQ. For some reason Frito thought Ham Chips wouldn't be a big seller in the US. They should fire their advertiser and product placers immediately. The best part of these chips? They taste like a combination of Bacon Bits and Divine Bliss. These chips are so delicious that you won't even realize that you are catching a mutant strain of Swine Flu while eating them.

There are men that change the world; Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, William McKinley....and this guy. How this guy is not sitting in a floating mansion in the midst of the Carribean with twin blondes pleasuring him is beyond me. This is possibly the greatest invention ever created. Just think you can get a beer, and not even stand up. I tried to make a beer can thrower once out of my old race car set, a shovel and some hair elastics. But when I set it up the machine just split the can, spilled beer everywhere and made my apartment reek like failure.

The Ray Allen Action Figure. Friday night this will be important, stroke the figure while you watch the Bruins and the Sox, and thank Ray for helping us get this far. Make sure you fall asleep with Ray in your arms, cuddle him, and it should help the Ben Gordon nightmares go away. On Saturday, take your Allen doll, cuddle it, rock and sob as you prepare for the end of the Greatest Playoff Series since the Catholic faced off against the Lions in the Coliseum.

Mass Hysteria has finally caved and is on Twitter. Yes we have caved in and joined up (Thanks to the King Loser HZMLS). Tell all your friends, both real and cyber that you can follow the antics of HZMLS, SB, GHABBY, APNDR and Raquel on Twitter!

Mass Hysteria Twittering Page

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Shaun said...

Seriously, what the hell is a Twitter?

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

You could try to find out, but it's much cooler to act stupid I guess.