Thursday, May 7, 2009

We Are All On Drugs



ANOTHER MASS HYSTERIA EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!

Yes, I, your loyal Pimp, have been working feverishly all day to find out how far down the rabbit hole Manny has taken us. I have, through sources which I cannot disclose, obtained a list of the most recent drug testing results for the Red Sox. The results are printed here, in a World Exclusive. Thank you for your continued patronage!


BAY, Jason
• Back bacon
• Kraft dinner
• Molson (the good stuff, not that imported pisswater)

LUGO, Julio
• Suck

PEDROIA, Dustin
• Rogaine
• Propecia
• Avodart

MASTERSON, Justin
• Red Stripe
• Dat mighty mellow herbal, mon (praise be to Jah)
• Doritos
• Jerk chicken
• Jerk fish
• Jerk beef
• Jerk stew
• Jerk-flavored jerky

VARITEK, Jason
• Viagra
• Cialis
• More Viagra
• Blonde hairs

PAPELBON, Jonathan
• Popsicles
• Fudgsicles
• Creamsicles
• Crazy

SMOLTZ, John
• Gefilte
• Lox
• A little schmear of this, a little schmear of that....

BALDELLI, Rocco
• The entire product line of Wyeth Pharmaceuticals
• The entire product line of Pfizer Pharmaceuticals
• Spicy marinara

ELLSBURY Jacoby
• Firewater
• Wampum
• Flubber

CARTER, Chris
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
[CLASSIFIED PURSUANT TO ORDER #486867 -- NSA]

WAKEFIELD, Tim
• Geritol

ORTIZ, David
• Nothing to see here.
• Move along.
• Don't you have something better to be reading?
• I SAID MOVE ALONG.

YOUKILIS, Kevin
• Human Shitty Beard Hormone
• Ugly stick

BECKETT, Josh
• Piss
• Vinegar
• Stupid

KOTTARAS, George
• Feta
• Souflaki
• Ouzo

DREW, David J.
• Robot juice
• Robot lubricant
• Other fluids that can be found in robots
• HE'S A ROBOT!!!!!

2 comments:

Stanley Cup of Chowder said...

A+

Boatdrinks said...

Oh, I feel better now. I was getting worried...