Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pats of the Past: Zeke Mowatt

For many of us, we have grown up Patriots fans well before they were the super power that they are now. But for others, the love of the Pats started later, and names like Hart Lee Dykes, Andre Tippett, and Steve Grogan sound foreign to them. We here at Mass Hysteria are not here to hate on our bandwagon brothers, but instead are here to educate you, and let you know more about the players before Brady, Bledsoe and Bruschi. We hope you find the following post as educational as you do entertaining. I apologize for the lack of Mowatt in Patriots pictures, Robert Kraft has burned any remaining images of Zeke.

Pats from the Past: Zeke Mowatt

There is no better way to discuss past players than with a guy named Zeke. His real name of course is Ezekiel, which is Swahili for "endowed with giant snake", Mowatt came to the Patriots after playing with the Giants and the Big Tuna for five years. Let me rewind this a bit so some of our readers aren't confused. Mowatt is a Tight End, kind of like Ben Watson, except he didn't fracture his knee everytime he was tackled. Mowatt played at Florida State University under Bobby Bowden, meaning he is functionally illiterate and spent his entire college career banging white chicks, and having tutors write all his papers for him. Mowatt was undrafted coming out of college, but had his rights held by the Tampa Bay Bandits, which showing he had some brain like substance in his head he declined to sign with.

After winning a Super Bowl on the coked-up shoulders of Lawrence Taylor (pre-Dancing With the Stars), Zeke came over to the Pats where his career really picked up. All humans are born with this little piece of brain that controls our impulses, and prevents us from going postal, or running up to Meghan Fox in the street and humping her head. In most cases, this is called a conscious, well it was at the time the Patriots acquirred Mowatt that his magically disappeared. At the time Lisa Olson was a reporter for the Boston Herald, and was doing an innocent interview with Bruce Armstrong (offensive lineman, if you don't know who he is I don't want to talk to you). Let's let the offical NFL report do the talking:

"The report said that Mowatt told Bruce Armstrong, a Patriot offensive lineman: "Look at her. She's just watching. I'm going to tell her about herself." It added that Mowatt, naked, walked in front of Olson and onto a scale and "purposely displayed himself to her in a suggestive way,"

A recreation of Olson's expression
So how did Daddy Long Dick and the Patriots respond to the allegations? By calling Olson not a reporter at all, and the only thing she did was "look" at the athletes. Of course then NFL Commish Paul Taglibue found Mowatt to be a terrible liar and fined Mowatt, Michael Timpson and Robert Perryman. In the end only only Zeke paid. Zeke finished his career with the Patriots racking in 6 receptions for 72 yards, and one shocked/astonished/impressed Boston Herald Reporter. It is unclear if Zeke ever called her back for a date, or at least an hour in the Carriage Motel in Danvers. Mowatt went back the Giants the following year, and as far as we know kept his trouser snake to himself, finally retiring at the end of the season.

After his career, Mowatt passed on the opportunity to become the next Lexington Steele or Blackzilla, and instead started his own janitorial service in New Jersey. The company has the following motto:

"Mowatt Inc. offers cleaning services throughout the Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, District of Columbia and Delaware. This includes office and building cleaning, floor polishing, and other general and detailing services. We’re a one-stop shop that offers all kinds of cleaning and janitorial services to offices and large industrial locations. Our staff is cordial, friendly, and knows how to keep their mouth shut when I inexplicably flash my wang"


Pepster said...

And, to paraphrase Lisa Olsen when asked to name who was harassing her, "I did not give them the dignity of looking at them while they were harassingme, but one of them was Zeke Mowatt".

I was in Boston around the time of this incident, so I remember it distinctly, although some of the details, like quotations, may be a bit fuzzy.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I think this needs a "Patriot Missiles" tag.

Andrew Chaplowitz said...

Too funny!

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