Friday, May 1, 2009

Mass Hysteria PSA: Swine Flu and You

As a public service to our readers, a nurse friend of mine has provided this handy-dandy guide to Swine Flu and You. Note that these are actual questions that she, a real life medical professional, has received from patients and coworkers. Sadly, nothing here has been fabricated:

1. "I get a ham sandwich every day for lunch, now I have a cough and I'm vomiting, you should probably test me for the swine flu. "
FACT: You cannot contract the swine flu from food products. Still, eating ham every day may not be wise. Have a fucking salad for once you fat tub of goo.

2. "My neighbors are from some country where they speak Spanish, could I get the swine flu from them?"
FACT: Speaking Spanish does not mean you are infected with the swine flu or that you could contract the swine flu from said person.

3. "I've stopped going to Dunks every morning for coffee, because "they" work there and I don't want to catch the swine flu. When do you think it will be safe to go back?"
FACT: If you get the swine flu from coffee or donuts from Dunks, you deserve it.

4. "The lady who took my blood this morning was sneezing, could the swine flu travel from her nose into my blood stream? Can you test for that?"
FACT: It is spring. The pollen count is high. People have allergies. Settle down.

5. "I'm firing my housekeeper because I can't take the risk of her infecting me or my home with the swine flu. I have a nanny and children to think about. "
FACT: You housekeeper wants you to die of the swine flu and so do I.

6. "What's the difference between a sinus infection and that Mexican flu?"
FACT: People who have the swine flu are too sick to ask stupid questions like that.

7. "I can't believe how many Spanish people work at this hospital, and none of them are wearing masks. Doesn't that seem very dangerous to you?"
FACT: Ethnicity is not contagious. (GHABB,Y note: Unless you're from Liechtenstein, in which case, ethnicity is contagious and deadly)

8. "I jerked off this morning to a chick who was Latina or some weird kind of European. Should I be tested for swine flu?"
FACT: GHABBY has too much free time in the mornings.

9. "Don't you know there is a pandemic going on right now? You nurses are so careless, walking around like nothing is wrong! You are probably infecting me with the swine flu right now! I want my lawyer. Call Hank Phillipi Ryan, I'm reporting you."
FACT: If I had the swine flu, my first targets wouldn't be lawyers, just Republicans. Also, there is not a pandemic, yet.

10. Annoying Co-Worker: "What's with all these signs and hand-outs about the swine flu? Is that like going around or something? I was sick last week you know, maybe I should have stayed home."

Me: "Do you watch or read the news?"

Annoying Co-Worker: "Duh, of course. I get all my news from Facebook."(she was not kidding either)

FACT: If Facebook is your only news source, then you deserve the swine flu.


HZMLS said...

I thought I got Swine Flu once after I hooked up with this fat chick in High School. But when I got to the doctor's I was told it was just gonorrhea

nfsffw said...

So what did I learn from the video?
Betty's Mom was a filthy whore, and would do anything on two legs. As a matter of fact, even that chihuahua looked a bit traumatized.