Thursday, May 7, 2009

Get Well Soon RemDawg

Heyyyyyy there Remdawg, it's me your pal Joe offering you my best wishes and recovery from that unfortunate bout of lung cancer. I think I can speak for all the fans of the Red Sox when I say we are all praying for a quick and full recovery from your illness. But let me also explain that there is a popular misconception going around that your cancer was caused by cigarettes, and Mr.Dawg that is completely untrue. There is absolutely NO link between smoking a smooth, delicious and relaxing Camel Cigarette and any sort of medical disease. The only disease I can conclusively link to cigarette smoking is "MassVaginaitis", with symptoms including being irrestistable to the ladies, and having all other men say "Wow look at that guy, he's cool!".
Lung cancer is very unfortunate, and in no way a laughing matter, it has seemingly touched everyone I have ever come in contact with so believe me I know your pain. But there are other factors that led to your current health situation including and not limited to: red meat (particularly 25 years of eating Fenway Franks), unprotected sexual relations with Red Sox sideline reporters, global warming, Deval Patrick and asbestos. I know you gave up cigs earlier this year, but think of all the fun you that smoking has brought into your life!!! We've been nothing but friends to you, remember back in '78 when you banged that stewardess for Eastern Airlines? Who was there for you after you flew the friendly skies of her unshaven mons pubis? that's right, we were. And how could you forgoet the times when Don made you laugh so hard that you lost your breath and the lack of oxygen made you faint. Was I there? Damn right I was!

So as you rest up from your surgery, and take time away from the booth, remember that after you recover Joe Camel will always be there for you. From that morning smoke right after you wake up, to that last post coital cig before you go to sleep, Remy we will always be there for each other. Hell if it hadn't been for smoking how would you have gotten your gravely voice that has made you millions of dollar? Before you smoked you sounded like a prepubescent Lance Bass, you would have never gotten a job with NESN, but now you've got the pipes of a young Barry White and are one of the top announcers in baseball. So from the entire, loving, caring Tobacco company let me say get well soon, rest, and get back to the Red Sox as soon as you feel better. I know if he was still around the Marlboro Cowboy would wish you a full recovery as well, but unfortunately he passed away years ago from a completely unrelated illness.

1 comment:

GHABB,Y~! said...

I'd like to point out that there are no risks of lung cancer from General Ekstra Sterk, though the surgeon general warns that overconsumption of the Sterk can lead to a humongous penis and extreme awesomeness.