Dearest Friends and Family we gather here today to lay to rest the 2008-2009 Boston Bruins. Though I don't know the Bruins as well as many of you among us today, my pain and the feeling of loss is real as well. Many of you have reached out to many because you feel down and sad, and lordy I FEEEELS YOUR PAIN! I have been asked by my brethren to speak to the congregation today about the loss of our friend the Bruins, because other members of this here Mass Hysteria need proper time to grieve, because loss is a difficult process. OH LOOOORDY IT IS! And as a congregation we don't want Raquel to do anything drastic like swallow an entire bottle of sleeping pills which is exactly what happened to our baseball editor BillLee'sCornFlakes back in 2003. He was such a gentle soul, but now he is in the most serene heaven with Tony C, Ted Williams' head and God.
But back to the lecture at hand, our Boston Bruins fought hard and valiantly against the Hurricanes, but in the end it was God's will that the chosen army lose to Satan's minion, and their general Scott Walker. We allllll watched as our savior Tim Thomas was crucified by a rebounder in overtime, but lissy here folks we will be back! (AMEN!) These losses are not easy, oh Lord they are not, but we will learn, and we will rise again!!! But now they are at peace, no more chasing Eric Staal, or deflecting vicious slapshots from Anton Babchuk, we are in an eternal slumber. But no worries my brothers and sisters, we will be ready to riiiiise up again in four months to crush the villainous Habs and the vile Penguins! HALLELUJAH PRAISE JEEESUS!!!! Through our despair we will become stronger, Aaron Ward will grow STROOOONGER, and Chara will grow bigger, because God loves us.
Though the times they are down, and oh they are down, have faith my brothers and sisters and remember the good book. Was Jonah down when he was trapped inside that gigantic whale?(NO!) Was Noah down when he was told to build an ark? (NO!) Therefore Bruins Nation, we will pick ourselves up off the ground, wipe ourselves off, and be triumphant next year. Have you already lost your faith in the Divine Trinity? Marc Savard, Phil Kessel and David Krecji will all be here next year to lead us to that promise land we have dreamed about for years. PRAISE JESUS! So please bow your heads, and recite the following hymn from the book of Claude Julien:
Though we lost 3-2 last night
In the Bruins there was no loss of fight
Our Axelson jersey covered in tears
And after sixteen Sam Adam beers
We are blue and inconsolable
But please remember
That come next December
The B's will be on top again
With lessons learned from this year past
READY TO KICK SOME FUCKING ASS
Go forth my children, ready to love and serve Peter Chiarelli .
Praise be to Tim Thomas.