Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Norman Chad

First off, poker sucks. It sucks a big, fat hairy dick, and watching a bunch of fat virgins play poker on television is WAY worse than waterboarding. The "poker boom" (slightly more catastrophic than the Chernobyl Disaster) has been the single worst development of this decade, slightly ahead of the reformation of Limp Bizkit. And the fact that your primary source of income stems from broadcasting fucking poker tournaments makes you a veritable scourge to mankind. You are worse than a crack dealer, because at least dealing crack isn't broadcast 15 hours per day on ESPN. When I come home from the bars drunk, I want to watch Magnus Ver Magnusson lift cars above his head or kung fu masters chop through bricks, but NO, instead I hear your smug, self-satisfied voice talking about "flopping the nut straight" without even the slightest hint of irony. Norman Chad, I hope some herpes-ridden poker douche flops his nuts straight into your vocal cords before shoving a bag of dicks down your throat, to ensure that you don't ever again pollute the airwaves with your mind-numbing analysis of douchebags playing cards. Fuck you buddy.

Proof that money won't get you laid.

But my latest reason for hating your existence has to do with your latest column on SI.com, trashing my beloved Celtics for no apparent reason. Now I wouldn't have read this column otherwise, mostly because I have no desire to catch Down's Syndrome via the osmosis of your writing. But, sadly, this piece of shit excuse for words came across my interwebz desk, and I was forced to attempt to read this horrific schlock. Seriously, you somehow found a way to make Peter King become the second-worst writer at his own website. Fucking amazing. Let's glean some of the highlights of your Hemingway-esque prose, shall we?

"If you're unfortunate enough to be as old as Couch Slouch is -- which means growing up in the 1960s, stumbling through college in the '70s, getting married and divorced in the '80s and getting married and divorced again in the '90s -- then you qualify as a First Generation Celtics Hater."

Okay, so you're not only an educational failure, but no woman can love you? Shocking. And so, rather than dealing with your Mommy issues, the fact that you voluntarily refer to yourself as a "Couch Slouch" (meaning that you probably beat your kids) and your inability to navigate your way through South East Middle Central Community college, you instead choose to project your anger at...a basketball team? When you're munching on a complimentary couch full of dicks, you may want to call a therapist.

"I don't like Kendrick Perkins; I don't know why."

I know why - it's because you hate black people.
But you love bags of dicks. And poker.

"Eddie House wears his socks too high, for my tastes. I also wouldn't mind if, just one time after hitting a three-pointer, he didn't go frolicking back down court like he just won the lottery."

Wow, more blatant racism. Sorry Grampa, next time we'll try to get off your lawn, so that you don't lynch us.

"Big Baby Davis is, well, a big baby."

You must not have an editor, do you? Because nobody in their right mind would think "oh, that's a fantastic and witty sentence, I'll be sure to post it on our national website." You are a massive fucking hack and a tool of the Craftsman variety, and it's a shock that your local townspeople don't stone you to death for bringing down their property values.

Brian Scalabrine -- didn't he used to be on "Saved By The Bell"?

LOLZ U MADE A FUNNEY. Kill yourself. Seriously. Just fucking end it all, for our sake.

In conclusion Norman, I fucking hope you die. Instead of using that mouth to tell us that Fat Virgin A is playing poker with Fat Virgin B, how 'bout you go "All In" on a bag of dicks? It's a bet that simply cannot lose, especially for those of us that have had to ever endure your inane bullshit.


Pepster said...

Hey - rag on Norman Chad all you want - I couldn't agree with you more on his lack of talent - but let's not throw all of poker into the mix. I get a nice secondary (or supplementary) income of that game just by playing 2 to 4 times a month.

Now the poker guys on tv? That is a different story entirely.

Sh!tShow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sh!tShow said...

poker sucks....