Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Celtics-Magic Game 1: Naptime is Fun! Except When It's Not.

So I understand that the Celtics may have been a bit gassed heading into last night's game. They just came off a seven-game series with seven overtimes, they had to chase Derrick Rose around for the last two weeks, and staring at Joakim Noah's mug for 35 periods had to have been fucking exhausting. But I didn't realize exactly how sleep-deprived the Celtics were until midway through the first half of last night's game against Orlando, where Your Defending Champions zombied themselves into a 28-point deficit. Down 28 to the fucking Magic? With Poet Laureate J.J. Redick starting? Seriously? It made me want to vomit up the 15 Claritin I'd taken during the day. Maybe I should've taken Zyrtec.

That said, the C's played muuuuch better in the second half, and were three empty possessions away from actually overcoming that 28-point deficit and possibly winning the immensely ugly game. Still, one cannot be anything but disappointed in the C's efforts last night. Rondo and Allen shot a combined 4-24 from the field. Dwight Howard had 22 rebounds. It could be argued that Brian Scalabrine was the C's best player last night (he was +20 while three of the starters were -14 or worse), and that's a recipe for a Mayhem-esque apocalypse.

A few other notes from last night's game:

-Rondo seems to have completely gone into a shell of self-doubt and panic ever since that Hinrich foul. While he got to the line a bunch in the third quarter last night (14 free throws in a quarter? That's D-Wade-esque), he seems to have contracted a horrifying case of PTSD on the offensive end ever since Irish Whipping Harry Potter into the boards. Without Rondo scoring like he did early in the Bulls series, the C's are F'd in the A.

-Has Ray Allen ever had a good Game 1 of a playoff series? That dude starts slower than my '95 LeSabre on the highway.

-Why in God's name don't the Magic throw the ball into Howard more often? I've posed this question to a Magic fan friend of mine who may have more answers than me, but is the guy just offensively limited or does the coaching just suck? I've watched the guy for years, and I'm still not sure.

-We had to go from seeing Joakim Noah's face for seven games, to a series where we have to stare at Hedo Turkoglu. Clearly the NBA hates my corneas, and wants Celtics fans to wake up all night from horrifying nightmares of hideous monster men chasing us through Topsfield meadows while brandishing Spartan shields and shouting at me in Swahili. NOT THAT THAT HAPPENED.
Aaaaahhhhh stop chasing me!

-Kobe Bryant got underage dateraped last night by the Rockets last night, so maybe not all is terrible. That new Spike Lee Joint on Kobe will sure be embarrassing if it accompanies the Lakers self-destructing in the playoffs to Yao Ming and the Moneyball Soldiers. Though it still won't be as embarrassing as Girl 6. That movie blew.

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