Friday, May 1, 2009

Celtics-Bulls Game 6: This Series Will Be The End of Me

After Game 1 of this Celtics-Bulls series (best..series...ever?), I stopped by my buddy Mike's cubicle and noted that "if every playoff game is like this, I'll probably have a heart attack by Memorial Day." Seven overtimes, 106 lead changes and five more EPIC BATTELS later, I've started drawing up my Last Will and Testament, scouted out potential burial sites, and reminded my girlfriend of her promise to never date anyone after me. And Mike, don't worry, when I die, you can have all of my cans of General Ekstra Sterk. They're in the crisper in the work fridge near the coffee machine. Remember me well.

Last night's triple-overtime classic was just the latest installment of "GHABBY's Brushes With Basketball-induced Death," complete with more drama, heroic performances, and heart palpitations than the last month of Chris Farley's life. Because cogent thought seems to escaping me this morning, I shall break last night down in stream-of-consciousness bullet points:

  • First and foremost, I wouldn't be shocked if Rondo got suspended for Game 7 for his Irish Whip on Harry Potter Hinrich. Granted, it was in response to Hinrich's Dumbledorf Elbow to Scalabrine's Ginger Balls, but still, I as a Celtics fan can even recognize that Rondo's textbook wrestling maneuver was overtly dumb. However, Hinrich should feel lucky that he didn't bounce off the boards and eat a spinebuster, as shown below:


THE ROCK SAYS KNOW YOUR DAMN ROLE, FAMILY-KILLER!

  • After Rondo's Rock impression, the Bulls' 897% field goal shooting in the first quarter and Perk's early foul trouble, I honestly considered shutting the game off and retreating to the welcoming arms of Dwight Schrute and Liz Lemon. But then, well...Ray Allen HAPPENED. Let there be no doubt - Jesus Shuttlesworth put in probably the finest performance of his career last night, especially in the first half. Not only could the dude not miss, he drained insanely difficult shot after difficult shot, with more Bulls in his face than Christy Canyon circa 1985 (wait, I meant balls...uh..Bulls...um, you get my point). He CARRIED the Celtics last night and brought them back from the clutches of what otherwise would have been a certain blowout. His performance last night ranks right up there with the greatest nights of Bird, Pierce, Russell, Hondo, et al. I would vote Ray Allen for President right now, and I don't even know what his stance is on coat hanger abortions (though I hope he's for them). Ray Allen, for your brilliance last night, you have earned the greatest honor this site can bestow - the Diabeetus Kitteh of Awesomeness. Kudos to you good sir.
  • But now for the bad. Despite Ray's god-like performance, the Celtics really had little business winning last night's game. Rondo unfortunately developed PTSD from Doc screaming at him after his foul, and seemingly refused to take it to the hoop. Pierce was "ehhh" at best before John Salmons went nose-fishing with his Wolverine claws, and was a complete nonfactor after getting his grill stitched up. Perk did his Perk Thing, following up a promising performance by committing dumb fouls early and often. Brian Scalabrine played like, well, Brian Scalabrine. Defensively, the team was asleep all game. Honestly, if it wasn't for Ray Allen and the fact that the Bulls forgot how to play basketball for an 8-minute stretch in the fourth quarter, last night's game would have been a bitchslap of epic proportions. And I haven't even mentioned the most egregious example of retardosity last night, which was, of course...
  • WHY IS TONY ALLEN ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE BALL EVER? He has no jumpshot, plays overrated defense, is a turnover machine, and generally may be the most "detrimental towards winning" player in the NBA. Everything he does is cancer and madness. AND YET HE'S ALLOWED TO TAKE THE LAST TWO SHOTS OF REGULATION? AAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHH! I hope he catches swine flu before Game 7. I'm not even kidding.
  • Some other random thoughts about last night's game:
- Brad Miller is the most douchetastic person in the history of douchebaggery. He constantly carries this look of "I'm a giant asshole and I don't care" on his face. The last time someone incited more hate in me, it was Sgt. Slaughter, Iraqi sympathizer, threatening to burn the American Flag prior to his Wrestlemania 7 match against Hulk Hogan. To think of it, Brad Miller should actually pursue a second career as a wrestling heel. He would be perfect for the job.

- Glen Davis is going to make himself a lot of money this offseason, and then invariably disappoint for whatever non-Celtics team overpays for him. I'll admit- he's been an excellent fill in (at least on the offensive end) for KG, much better than I expected. He's been hitting those 10-15 footers with fantastic regularity. But he's also playing for a team where he's the fourth offensive option, and is shining against a Bulls squad that hasn't played a lick of defense on him. If he goes to a team where he's the No. 2 scoring option or required to play any defense whatsoever, he'll be absolutely exposed. When you're seeing him shit the bed for the Grizzlies or Kings next year, just remember who told you.

- I said it after Game 5, but I have to say it again - Joakim Noah is a fucking warrior. He's obviously annoying as shit for anyone who's facing him and easy to root against, but that dude's only goal in life is winning by any means necessary. That said, this is what his dad is doing right now:


- After last night, I think the Celtics will win Game 7, and then get smoked by Orlando in the next round. I'm thinking that the combination of a rabid home crowd/Game 7 experience/veteran leadership thing will carry them to victory Saturday night, but then after that, the fact that their over-30 stars have played roughly ten million minutes in the last 18 months will catch up to them, as will the fact that the C's have absolutely ZERO answer for Dwight Howard down low. And you know what? I'd be completely okay with that. This year's Celtics have brought us, without KG, possibly the greatest seven-game series in the history of the NBA. No matter what happens the rest of the way, we'll always have the Celtics-Bulls series to tell our grandkids about. And by we, I mean the rest of you, because I'll be resting comfortably in a cemetary on the North Shore by Memorial Day. Mike, enjoy the Sterk.

6 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I didn't know Noah's father was actually Terrence Trent d'Arby.

Also, WHY DID PIERCE FOUL HIM FOR HIS 6TH FOUL ON THAT EASY LAYUP?????? Stupid stupid stupid!

HZMLS said...

@APNDR

I was watching this game with my fiance when Pierce fouled out she was like "Why did he do that?"...I tried real hard to rationalize it, but nothing made sense.

♥♥♥♥♥ Jennifer™® ♥♥♥♥♥ said...

your blog is feel good

HZMLS said...

@ HEART HEART HEART HEART JENNIFER TRADEMARK RESTRICTED HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART:

When we set out to create this blog, we set a goal that it would make girls feel good.....

Up to this point we have failed miserably

GHABB,Y~! said...

If you think my "blog is feel good," wait till you see my American blue jeans and Coca-Cola.

Shaun said...

I'm waiting for ESPN's Streak For The Cash to put up a prop bet tomorrow on if the game will go OT or not.


I agree with you, GHABB,Y. Th experience will put Boston over the top tomorrow night. Not to mention the Garden crowd will eat Chicago alive. Too bad we don't have Cassell anymore. We could have had his mask vs Noah's hair...