Thursday, May 14, 2009

Carolina Hur'Canes, We Gon' Cause Hard Timetthh

Dis be the 'merican Dream, Dutthy Rhodethhh, EEF YOU WEEL. Now da people at the Matthhhh Hythhteria done athhked me to talk about tonight's Bruintth vers Carolina Game 7 hockey game, and after GHABB,Y offered me a jellydonut, I couldn't refuthe tha offa. Thoo CarolinaHuricaneth, dese wordse be for youz:

Hur'Canes, you tried to cause Hard Timeth on dem Bruins. You attacked them when dey weren't lookin, you done tried to run around 'em with your hockey skathethhh, and you named yo team after a terrible natural dithathter. But Hur'Canes, you don't know what hard timeth ith. Hard Timeth is when tha auto worker getth laid off and can't suppot his fam'lee no mo. Hard Timeth is when you worked 30 years at a desk, and all dey give you is a watch and a kick in the panth, and tell you your job been replathed by a computer. And Hard Times is what dem Bruins are gonna cause on you Hur'Canes. AmericanDream Dutthty Rhodeth gon' make sure of dat daddyo.

Now you may say "Dutthty, what you know 'bout da hockey?" I amit, my belly may be big, my hiney may be big, and Dutthty don't shuk and jive the way he usethh to. But lemme tell you babeeth, Dutthty knows eef you weel. I'm da sonofa plumba, a man of da peoples. I made polka dots more hip than marywanna. I've wined and dines with kings and queens, and slept in alleys eatin' pok and beans. Dutthty knew he was gon' beat Ric Flair at Starrcade, Dutthty knew that Magnum T.A. had the right stuff, and Dutthty knew that Sapphire was the lady with allll the moveth baby.

Now the 'merican Dream has been axed to give a predickshin on tonihgthhh game, and that's just what ol' Dutthty will give. Dutthty done blessed dem Bruins with the power of the bionic eboww, the shuckin and jivin' moves of the Dream, and done tole' dem Bruins to put razorblades in their wrist tape, just like the Dream used to do. With the power of the 'merican Dream, dem Bruins will cause FIRS' BLOOD, FIRS' BLOOD, FIRS' BLOOD on dem Hur'Canes. And dey gon' win beeg, just like ol' Duttthty won 'gainst Harley Race for the NWA Champnship back in sebenny nine.

Hur'Canes, you babies better watch out. Dem Bruins gon' drop dem bionic elbows on you, and move dere way on to the Thhhtanley Cup babeeth. Den, when dere done, dem Bruins promised me one thing: to take out my fag kid onthh and for all. Dat boy itth an embaratthment to the Rhodethh famlee, and we gotth to thtop him onth and fo-awl.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Goldust rules.

You know this to be true.

Anonymous said...

What about Cody, his pre-puberty chest and his unhealthy relationship with Randy and Ted?