Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Brunch With the Hysteircs

*Grampa Losing Streak Stopper Tim Wakefield pitched a gem last night against the first place Maple Leafs Without Sticks last night, 2-1. Wakefield, the Sox' only starter with an ERA under 4.50, knuckled under (I'm so punny) and stymied the first-place Jays. Strangely enough, the Sox' sole RBIs came from Jeff "George" Bailey and George "the Sterling Silver Greek" Kottaras. Big Papi, in his triumphant return...went 0 for 3 with two strikeouts. Fuck. But hey, there was a Kevin Millar sighting! That dude is the Mike Eruzione of MLB, I swear.

*In the most exciting event involving ping-pong balls this side of the Beirut table at Smarty's apartment, the No. 1 pick in this year's draft went to...the fucking Clippers? Clearly David Stern has lost whatever evil powers that he once had over the draft lottery, because the goddamned Clippers shouldn't be given the power to operate a Huffy 10-speed, let alone successfully draft a No. 1 pick (see Olowakandi, Michael). The best part of the draft lottery was seeing surefire top pick Blake Griffin (the Tanner Tyler Hansbrough) fight back tears when he realized that his next few years would be spent fighting for shots with Zach Randolph, Baron Davis and Al Thornton. That'll be fun, as it will be when Griffin signs a long-term deal with the Sixers four years from now and promptly blows out his knee. That said, the thought of my Euro man-crush Ricky Rubio running the break for the Thunder for years to come has me fully and completely engorged. ENGORGED I say.

*Michael Vick is getting busted out of prison, and even without the need of a rock hammer or Red. I've always been mixed on Vick - obviously what he did was wrong (though cockfights are still awesome), but the dude is still insanely talented, and would be a sick fit for teams that are now running the Wildcat. If Ookie can keep his head on straight, and two years of anal rape can fix a man real quick, then he could be utterly frightening when he steps back on a field in the right system. That is, unless he smoked himself fat and slow in prison, in which case, all bets are off. Still, let me be one of the first to say "GET THIS MAN A PATRIOTS UNIFORM STAT," if only because third-and-shorts with Vick behind center would be wildly more exciting than Laurence Maroney running three steps, tearing his uterus and falling down. Besides, Bill Belichick made Randy Moss and Corey Dillon productive members of society, so he can certainly cure Ron Mexico of his little dog fighting habit. Also, it should be noted that I hate puppies, kittens and babies, so I might be a bit biased here.

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