Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Welcome back to a fantastic Tuesday here at Mass Hysteria. 50% of Boston Teams finished their season last week, so we are now down to the Red Sox, injury updates at Foxboro, and talk about Dwight Howard and Lebron James. Yeah that last one, except the complete opposite. Many of you have expressed concerns over our lack of posting yesterday and let me promise you that it had nothing to do with the Celtics playing like post McDonald's shits or the Red Sox OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO STRANGLE NICK GREEN. YOU THROW LIKE ME EXCEPT IM STUCK BEHIND A DESK YOU'RE IN THE MAJORS!!!111!

This weekend Ghabby and his madam, Smarty and myself took place in a karaoke competition at a local bar that we shall call "Valhalla" for lack of a better name. Now many of you may mock such simple things like karaoke, but this activity may be my favorite thing to do when I drink. Honestly, look at your other alternatives on a Friday night of heavy drinking: getting arrested for putting your fist through a juke box, contracting syphillus, waking up in a ditch on the side of the road, and marrying a transvestite. See, karaoke doesn't look so bad now does it? Now to add the word "competition" to karaoke, and we are at a whole new level. Let's do a play by play of each contestant:

Hot Pants- James Brown. It's hard to describe the sheer awesomeness of seeing a white boy from Massachusetts pull of a song written by JB that only has two words "Hot Pants" and a series of grunts groans and screams. The only negative here was that GHABBY failed to wear a glitter suit. Though the thought of that makes me physically ill.

Smarty Barrett and HZMLS
The Real Slim Shady- Eminem. Smarty and I have done the whole "rap" thing at many a karaoke bar. We thought that we would go with a crowd pleaser here, and what better to please a crowd then watching two very white boys try and rap. Unfortunately the crowd was filled with all people who were my mothers age, and rap music makes their ears bleed with the "yo yo yos" and "hos and bitches". As they sat their drinking ice coffee (I'm not joking), I was thinking to myself, "Boy we are fucked". Plus we were both intoxicated which probably didn't help much.

Ghabby's Missus.
You Know That I'm No Good-Amy Winehouse.
Ok so this girl can sing, much better than my rapping or GHABBY's screaming...In fact her voice is far superior to the crack head train wreck that wrote this song. Out of the four of us, she probably had the blackest voice, and all those singing words that describe being a good singer like "tone" and "strength of voice".

After we all went the first time, the judges at Valhalla (who, again, all looked like my mom) had to vote for the five contestants that would proceed to the next round. We all pretty much knew that Ghabby's Missus was going to move on, but were surprised as hell when SB and myself got to go to the next round as well. Unfortunately the judges failed to see the genius of GHABBY's performance, along with our friend Jennycupcakes who did a song from Chorus Line whose name is escaping me but the chorus says "TITS AND ASS" over and over again.

The second round:

GHABBY's missus- Superstition- Stevie Wonder- FUCKING AWESOME. Mind you this girl is a singer for a group now that does funk music, so it is pretty clear that she has some sort of training in this style because she rocked the crowd.

Smarty and HZMLS- Just a Friend- Biz Markie- We have a pretty deep repetoire of hip-hop songs that we can do (Ain't Nuthin But a G Thang, In Da Club, Mrs. Officer) but with the gray hair crowd we had at Valhalla we had to make sure it was a song that wouldn't offend. Even though both of us had downed a considerable amount of alcohol we fucking rocked. Usually when I drink and rap it comes out more like "Have you ever met a gfrl tahsa tyou tried to DATE MAKE LOVE WAIT, FUCK". But this time we were on top of it, and felt pretty good with our chances.

And the winner was?

SOME CHICK THAT SANG A SONG BY ALANIS MORISSETTE YEAHH!!!!!! AND IT WASN'T ONE OF HER TWO BIG SONGS EITHER (the angry lesbian song and Ironic), it was that slow song where she is standing there naked with her long hair covering her boobies and vajayjay. I am totally fine losing this one but missus got fucking screwed because judging was based on audience participation and the crowd decided that they were only going to applaud for their friends. Come on at least be polite, we saw you all going nuts when we sang and rapped, but to not to give us daps? Go fuck yourself Valhalla.


SmartyBarrett said...

Um, you forgot to include this picture:


GHABB,Y~! said...

Usury and moneylending. That's all I have to say on this subject, lest I put my fist through my cubicle wall.

realman said...

shame to you Alanis! when topless you haven't the right to cover your boobs! it's too easy and so unfair! move this stupid hair! i wanna see your tits!