Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Breakfast With the Hysterics


Happy Mexican Hangover Day! Yes, it is the Sixo de Mayo, which translates to the "Sixth of Mayonnaise" in Spanish. However, those of us without the tendency to call people "mang" also have another reason to celebrate today, as it is BOSTON SPORTS PLAYOFFGASM DAY! That's right, both our beloved Celtics and Bruins are playing muy importante playoff games today, with the C's hosting the Magic for Game 2, and the Bruins heading to Carolina (which isn't even a state) for Game 3. Because Dark Lord Xenu hates us, both of these games happen to be taking place at/around the same time, with the B's starting at 7:30 and the C's starting at 8. Doubleyou. Tee. Eff. They really couldn't push back one of the games to 9:30ish so we could watch both? What the hell? And let's not even discuss the 7:10 Sox-Injuns game, in which Carl Pavano will make his triumphant return to the stadium in which he almost-thank god-didn't consider home. Suffice it to say, my years of pressing the A/B button on my cable box in hope of getting scrambled porn have trained me for the flurry of remote clicking that will ensue tonight. In other news...

-The Sox continued their "Adam Sandler Beating of a High School Janitor" Yankee-killing spree last night, pummeling the Yankees 7-3. Jason Bay, clearly having spent the winter training at Stu Hart's Wrestling Dungeon, hit his seventh homer of the year, and is now projected for a nice .322/42/150 year, which will almost assuredly cause the Yankees to offer him a two-year, $800 million contract this winter. Beckett pitched good-but-not-great, the bullpen looked splendifferous, and even Big Papi got his average all the way up to .225! It should also be noted that Mark Teixeira is now hitting .198, but HAY GUYZ HEZ A SLOW STARTRRR. I will comfort myself with this fact while trying to avoid the knowledge that both Youkilis and Ellsbury are currently sidelined with "muscle tightness," which is precisely what your Mom suffered from before I banged her.

-LeBron James is good. This hard-hitting analysis has been brought to you by Viewers Like You and the Arthur W. Mellon Foundation.

-Laurence Maroney will apparently serve as the honorary chair for Saturday's "March for Babies" walk. Maroney projects to tear two hamstrings and a bicep during the walk, but is looking forward to the free pacifier given to all who participate.

-Today is also George Clooney's birthday. He will celebrate the day by having sex with multiple supermodels, then light up a Cuban cigar with a $100 bill before going to see a bullfight. In a related story, Anthony Edwards was recently seen auditioning for the Topsfield Players' version of "Cats," only to be turned down for the role in favor of a 50-year-old mother of four who once played a tree in her elementary school play.

2 comments:

Matt said...

I remember the AB button... I think I saw a boob!

Raquel said...

This is great. All three games are on during my planned trip to the gym, which means I will plant myself on an exercise bike with a TV attached and sweat for around 3 hours. This is all helping me get down to my goal weight of 315 pounds rather nicely.