Friday, April 24, 2009

Yankees @ Red Sox Series Preview

Oh look. The Yankees are in town. Blogs are writing about it. I guess maybe we should jump in on the action.

It's setting up nicely, isn't it? The Sox on fire, 80+ degree weather in the Hub, a certain Yankee starter is wasted and weaving his car through Boston traffic... are you as ready as I am? Do we really need any more build-up? Papi is already yapping at Joba (pronounced yŏb-a) about potentially throwing at the Sox Hebrew first-baseman. The Yankees acquired the highly-coveted, we-wanted-him-because-the-media-told-us-so prize that is Mark Teixeira. Andy Pettitte used hGH. What else do you need? Predictions from a blogger?


Well, FINE!

Game 1 (Chamberlain vs. Lester): 5-3, Red Sox. The game experiences a brief delay in the 3rd inning when Joba strikes out Youk and pumps his fist for 16 and a half minutes. Chamberlain actually outpitches Lester and leaves with a lead. But that trusty Yankees bullpen comes through again! Also, Bay goes deep. Write it down.

Game 2 (Burnett vs. Beckett): 7-4, Yankees. If I had actually watched any of the 2003 World Series, I bet this matchup would intrigue me more. Unfortunately, I spent most of that week in drunk, in bed, or drunk in bed. There's depression, and then there's Red Sox-related depression. I pick this game to be super-frustrating, and not just cuz Buck and McCarver are calling it on TV. Burnett comes out shaky and ends up walking 6 in his outting, but works out of jam after jam after jam. Beckett is just as wild, but the Yanks end up pushing more runs across. The big moment is when Beckett lets one loose up and in to Brett Gardner, who ends up leaving the field in a body bag. Unfortunately for the Sox, Brett Gardner sucks ass, and it's addition by subtraction. While discussing Baldelli in a segue, McCarver mis-pronounces "mitochondria" 37 times.

Game 3 (Pettitte vs. Masterson): 10-3, Red Sox. Fuck Andy Pettitte. The Sox tee off on him, and Masterson settles into a nice groove after a rough start. I attend the game with Raquel. When the blow-out is well in hand and Raquel's BAC is well above the legal limit, she begins to touch up her makeup, turns to me and informs me she can help Jed Lowrie's recovery. I stay for the rest of the game before bailing her out of prison. Robinson Cano achieves the golden sombrero. While discussing Baldelli in a segue, Joe Morgan mis-pronounces "Rocco" 37 times.

What say the Hysterics?


Shaun said...

Sweep. Blatant homerism at its best.

Raquel said...

Your predictions are unlikely. I will clearly leave you under the premise of going to get fried dough in the 2nd inning and wake up several hours later in Everett with no panties on and PAPELBONER scrawled across my chest in Magic Marker.

GHABB,Y~! said...

I thought the "Golden Sombrero" involved shitting and pissing on a Mexican hooker's chest.

SmartyBarrett said...

Bay goes deep. Write it down.Woot!

Anonymous said...

Epic. Fucking. Win.