Sunday, April 5, 2009

Wrestlemania 25 Liveblog


Unlike my other liveblogs on this site, this one does not find me drunk, or happy, or even wondering what the outcomes of the event will be. It's Wrestlemania - the Super Bowl of wrestling, which nowadays isn't really saying much.

In wildly appropriate fashion, I am watching this event alone, in my room, unshowered and not wearing pants. I have watched the last 24 Wrestlemanias similarly in the same fashion, ashamed of my wrestling habit but continuing to feed it, kinda like those guys you see sitting at the kitchen table with Chris Hansen.

So why do I keep on watching? Frankly, I don't know. I don't enjoy wrestling nearly as much as when I was a kid. I know all the horrible stories of steroids and deaths and woman-beating and the like (hell, I wrote my undergrad thesis on it). But I keep watching. I guess me and wrestling have been together for so long that breaking up now would be bad for the kids.

On to the liveblog...

7:05: Nicole Scherzinger just sang "America the Beautiful." Because nothing makes America more beautiful than an untalented twat wearing too much clothing. SHOW YOUR TITS OR GET OUT OF THE RING.

7:30: CM Punk just won a largely uninspiring Money in the Bank match. When this match started it was an awesome idea - a bunch of high flyers jumping off shit and nearly killing themselves in the name of getting a title shot. But this year's match, with plodding wrestlers like Kane (yes, he's still around), Mark Henry and Finlay had less of that, and no "holy fucking shit how did he not die" moments. Though it did have a midget diving off a mini-ladder, so that was fun.

7:35: Kid Rock is singing. Seriously. I'm going to swallow a whole bottle of Asprin now to make the sound go away.


7:40: Sweet Fucking Christ on a Crouton he's still singing. Why Lord? What did I do to deserve this? Isn't the public derision and girlfriend-induced shame I get from being a wrestling fan bad enough? Why do you have to do this to me too? Kid Rock? Really? He's like a musical Faces of Death. Can't I just have one night to actually enjoy wrestling instead of being inundated with its lameness and lack of cultural footprint? No? Fine.

7:52: A dude in drag just won the Fifty Titty Battle Royal and won the title of "Miss Wrestlemania." Actually Santino Marella is the only funny thing on wrestling nowadays, so if he wants to degrade himself in women's clothing for our amusement, I won't stop him.

8:00: Ricky Steamboat in his old gear! I just totally marked out. Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka look like they're a combined 474 years old, but Steamboat still looks great. And Steamboat just did a flying body press! Note for the record that Ricky Steamboat just saved Wrestlemania 25 from falling off a cliff.

8:13: Chris Jericho just beat Piper, Snuka and a fucking AWESOME Ricky Steamboat, and Mickey Rourke predictably steps in. Great move Mickey. Make a movie that discusses how fucked-up the life of a wrestler truly is, then sell out and become one. Also, nice mustache.
8:39: Matt Hardy just beat Jeff Hardy in the Brother vs. Brother matchup that didn't work five years ago and isn't gonna work now. I missed most of this taking a giant deuce, but apparently Matt won. However, both of them are better than their long-lost brother Ed Hardy, because they don't make ugly shirts and hats that end up on the clearance rack at Marshalls.

8:51: A 5-1 Mexican dude just beat a 6-7 white guy in 21 seconds. Then the 6-7 white dude quit, as did his C-cup tits. So yeah, wrestling!

9:36: WOW. Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker was probably one of the five best matches I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of wrestling matches. Run, do not walk, to see this match. Even if you're not a wrestling fan, the drama, athleticism and sheer ass-kicking will that these two guys had in this match was unfuckingbelievable. This match saved the entire event. WOW WOW WOW.

10:07: John Cena won a decent match over Edge and Big Show. If you weren't paying attention to the storyline heading into this match, Edge married Vickie Guerrero, Smackdown's General Manager. He then cheated on her with the wedding planner, but she forgave him, then she cheated on him with Big Show, but the latter was filmed in a Boston dressing room, footage of which Cena blackmailed Guerrero with to get into this match. Got it all? Good.

Putting anyone after the Michaels-Undertaker match is was an absolute death spot, but all three guys tried hard, and Cena had a cool-looking spot at the end when he lifted both the 450+ pound Big Show and the 220lb Edge on his shoulders at the same time. Cena may be from weak-ass West Newbury, but that's one strong jort-wearing motherfucker.

7 comments:

HZMLS said...

Kid Rock, and Wrestlemania? Seems appropriate.

HZMLS said...

I am sure taking a giant shit was much more satisfying than watching the two skank brothers

HZMLS said...

C Cups White Guy....Vader?

HZMLS said...

Jesus Christ this HBK-Undertaker match has lasted close to a half hour. I forgot how drawn out McMahon can make a PPV

Shaun said...

Taker-Michaels stole my soul. Orton and HHH let me down. Orton favortism aside, could have been so much better.

Also, fuck Kid Rock. They drop a match to the pre-show, and let this fucker sing.

boxcar willy said...

Funny how you dont even bother blogging about the awful HHH vs Orton main event.

Yes Undertaker vs Michaels is probably the best match in Wrestlemania history.

And yes, someone needed to come out and powerbomb Kid Rock into a fucking industrial wood chipper.

coffee break said...

Rourke's gotta work on his trash talking skills before he can become a real pro wrestler...