Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This Desucks

Due to the necessity of adding another outfielder (thank you very much, Mr. Rhode Island Mitochondritis....), the Sox called up Jeff "Not the guy who sang 'Easy Lover' with Phil Collins" Bailey from Pawtucket. However, to do so, they had to make a 40-man roster move, which means that the team placed Devern Hansack on unconditional waivers.


"But Pimp," you say, "why should I give a crap about releasing a marginal AAA guy who never really established himself in any of his brief MLB callups?" Oh yes, Reader, you sly dog -- you and your "good points" and your "well-thought-out reasoning" think you actually know stuff, don't you? The reason you should care about Devern is that Devern threw the only no-hitter I've ever witnessed in person.

That no-hitter was, of course, the miserable October 1st, 2006 season finale against the Orioles, played out during the scattered spitting, cold showers that followed a 3 1/2 hour rain delay. The only reason anyone was there was because it was, by that point, very clear that said game would be the last game Trot Nixon played for the Red Sox. Trot held up his end, getting a leadoff hit in the first (and scoring on a Mike Lowell home run), but it was Devern who was the real story in an otherwise forgettable, meaningless game. But for a walk to the immortal Fernando Tatis (who was immediately erased by a Chris Gomez double play), Hansack would have been perfect on the day. He faced the minimum 15 batters before the umpires finally put the rain-soaked game out of its misery sometime around 7:30 pm, striking out 6. Oh sure, it was only the Orioles, and a particularly bad version of the Orioles at that.... but it was a no-hitter! That I got to see!


Except of course that it wasn't. No, thanks to a rule change pushed through by "Commissioner" of "Baseball" Bud Selig -- or, as I like to lovingly call him, The Festering Pus-Filled Wart On Satan's Cock -- Devern's no-hitter isn't a no-hitter. Despite being a recorded official win in which the pitcher did not give up a hit, it does not count as a no-hitter, because it did not go nine innings. Because now a no-hitter isn't a no-hitter; it's a no-hitter that falls within Bud Selig's desired parameters. Despite "no-hitter" clearly meaning "a game in which the pitcher gives up no hits", that's not what it means at all. How silly of us to believe otherwise!

Congratulations, Bud! Only you could manage to redefine something to mean something other than its plain meaning!

Oh, and thanks so much for the WBC too. I'm glad our $100M pitcher was fucked up in order that you could make another couple of million off the Koreans. Great job!

Topics for Classroom Discussion

(1) Bud Selig is to baseball what George W. Bush was to the presidency. Discuss.

(2) If you were given the opportunity to get rid of Bud Selig, would you hunt him down as the Most Dangerous Game, or would you throw him out of the helicopter door while 40 miles out at sea? Why did you choose your answer?

(3) Imagine you are Bud Selig. Now, for those of you who did not immediately commit suicide: imagine that it has become clear that many star players are obtaining a competitive advantages by raping babies. What kind of sand would you stick your head into to avoid this problem? How deep would you stick it in? Who would you choose to blame when it all came out -- society or the union?

(4) Brainstorm all the ways in which a used car salesman lacks the skills to lead a major sport.

Author's note: I'M BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!!


SmartyBarrett said...



Boatdrinks said...

I would throw him out of a helicopter, as I feel he would be in more fear before death, and it would be easier for me!

nfsffw said...

1) To George Bush's vast credit, never once did he call an AllStar Game in Afghanistan due to lack of arms, nor did he attach any conditions such as home country advantage to the winner of this match, against probable opponents Iran and North Korea.

2)None of the above! I will stage a dodgeball match to be televised as a PPV event, with Selig and Fehr on one team, and Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds as their opponents. Instead of gym balls, we'll use authentic major league baseballs, rolled in the Mississppi mud and signed by Mr Selig himself! Each team will be equipped with one dozen balls and one bat, with the winner being the last team with a person (or persons) still breathing. There will be NO live audience. Once a winner has been declared, I'll advise Jack Bauer that there are terrorists in the specified location, and let him deal with the situation as he sees fit.

3)"Since MLB had no specific rule against raping babies in effect at the time that these players gained an unfair advantage, we will take no action against these players. However, from this day on, any infractions will be dealt with severely and swiftly, with a first offender being suspended for five games, second time abuser dinged for fifteen, and a third timer for up to fifty! I blame the Union for not having this situation covered in the MLBPA. Oh yeah, and the owners."

This historic decision will be followed by the landmark "That Baby Was a Slut, He Was Asking For It" defense by Alex Rodriguez' crack legal team.

4) Prior experience as a used car salesman pretty much disqualifies an individual from leading ANYTHING, with the possible exception of a mass suicide of all ex-used car salesmen.

Nice to see you BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!