Tuesday, April 28, 2009

NFL Draft Analysis- The Mass Hysteria Way

The draft is over, Mel Kiper Jr and Todd McShay can now go back to their caves for the next ten months and furiously masturbate over Tim Tebow and Sam Bradford. Sure you can get draft recaps from every Joe Shmoe on every website, but where else can you find that patented Mass Hysteria flair that you have come to know and tolerate. Sorry that this has taken a little while to put together, but the NFL Draft is something that needs to be slowly digested, brewed, and smeared all over the internets. Enjoy!

Draftee with a quality that scares the ever loving shit out of me

That would have to be Patrick Chung, who scares the crap out of me just based on his name. It's not very often you find a player with an Asian last name that is any good at football. There was Nguyen the linebacker for the Texans and Cowboys, and that is just about it. The last Asian named player the Pats had was Eugene Chung, who could be one of the worst picks the Pats have ever made. He sucked hard, and so to see another "Chung" on the back of a Pats jersey makes me a little nervous. He is supposed to be an explosive hitter, and a good player, but the word CHUNG and PATS should never be allowed ever again.

Draftee that is bound to fail

Brandon Tate. Bill Belichick and the word genius are thrown around alot, especially when it comes to the draft. And why not, he in the past has systematically helped his teams immediate needs while keeping the teams long term goals in mind. But one particular position Belichick has particularly sucked at evaluating, and that is the Wide Receiver. Look at his most recent picks, Bethel Johnson and Chad Jackson (who the Pats traded Greg Jennings and a pick for), both were "explosive" receivers, who both turned out to be giant piles of shit. Tate was projected to be a first round pick at the beginning of the year, but tearing your ACL and MCL kind of puts a damper on your abilities.

Look I watched this draftee for four years believe me he will be good

I know most of you are saying, Ron Brace was only good because he played alongside BJ Raji who was a monster off the line. But remember this, BC had a good defense two years ago, which was LED by Brace while Raji was sitting out the season for being academically retarded. Brace along with being absolutely enormous, can be a great run stopper. Plus whenever the Pats draft a BC player, I get way too excited. Anyways the Patriots needed depth on the line because Seymour, Warren and Wilfork are all free agents at the end of the season, and it would be good to have him under the wings and waiting after the Raiders inevitably sign Wilfork to a 7 year 95 million dollar contract.

This draftee will be an immediate upgrade over everyone else the Pats threw out there last year

Darius Butler- UConn. Honestly I don't know alot about this guy, UConn football was exactly must watch football last year but from what I hear this guy could be VERY good. And how could he be any worse than Deltha O'Neal, and um whatever other schlubs the Pats threw out at CB. Yes I believe that Butler could be an upgrade over Ellis Hobbs, who had the tendency to get burned by good receivers. For years I have been very skeptical of the Patriots CB's, but that has always been Bills philosophy, with the exception of Asante Samuel and Ty Law, the Pats have never had good CBs, they always count on great pressure up front to cause bad passes that even the "Deltha O'Neals" can cover.


Julian Edelman. Sure we need more Jewish WR/QB hybrids, but who the hell is this guy? If you have actually heard of him, or know what positive contributions he can add to this team feel free to mock me all you want. Surely he will be off the team by the end of July.

So Hysterics, what are your thoughts on the draft?


Raquel said...

I'll admit: I've actually been too lazy to bother looking up any analysis of the Pats' draft picks. This was just what I needed!

SmartyBarrett said...

So, uhh... Brace got a penalty for that shit, right?

nfsffw said...

Seems like Chung, Brace and Butler are solid picks, I like hitters. The rest are pretty much meh. I still haven't come to grips with letting both Vrabel and Cassell go for one stinkin' 2cd rounder, which effectively proves to be Chung. I seriously thought the Pats would send that 2cd back to Pioliland for Larry Johnson, but what the hell do I know? Also somewhat disappointed that there has been no progress on signing Mr Peppers, and think that that has become less of a possibility now.

2 random observations:

WTF were the Panthers thinking in signing DelHomme to a five year extension? Jesus!


Wilfork is too slow to play on the Raiders...

HZMLS said...


They did sign Ted Washington after he surpassed 400 pounds.

Shaun said...

Remember that 21-0 win over Kent State that opened the last season of Eagles football? Edelman was their quarterback. Apparently he's a poor man's Pat White, having skills elsewhere (I lack the skills to remember exactly where at this moment).

HZMLS said...

Eh I missed that one, I was at a Pawsox game that night watching PRONK! strike out 4 times.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Go check out pictures of Sebastian Vollmer, the OT from Houston that they took:


That boy is GIGANTIC. I mean, he's like LeBron James, if Lebron went and ate Ellis Hobbs. 6'7, 312 or something like that. 6'7!!!!!!!


/is inappropriately excited about huge offensive linemen

Otis Foster said...

"Julian Edelman. Sure we need more Jewish WR/QB hybrids, but who the hell is this guy? If you have actually heard of him, or know what positive contributions he can add to this team feel free to mock me all you want. Surely he will be off the team by the end of July."

Well old sport, some of us keep score. But I guess that gave you a chance to make a smart-ass comment about Jewish qb/wr hybrids.