Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Greatest Youth Soccer Coach in History

Our great state has produced some of the finest leaders in the annals of history. John F. Kennedy, the white Obama, is beloved as one of our own. Samuel Adams helped start revolutions in both country-making and beer brewing. George Patton summered here in between killing Krauts.

Now we can add one more name to the list of great leaders to hail from the Commonwealth: Michael Kinahan.

Many of you may not have heard of Michael Kinahan, but trust me, generations of children henceforth will study his great works and do book reports on him. His name will be forever told far and wide, spoken reverently as a pillar of courage, leadership and sheer gumption. For, you see, Michael Kinahan told a group of six-and-seven year old girls to stop being pussies.

True historical greatness often comes from one heroic act. Paul Revere hopped on a horse and warned the countryside about the impending British attack. Ben Franklin tied a key to a kite string in hopes of discovering electricity. Harriet Tubman built a railroad underground.
Michael Kinahan's one great heroic act, at its basest form, was a simple email. But in reality, it was a call to arms espousing true grit and competitiveness. Kinahan, the coach of a Scituate girls soccer team, sent a call-to-arms email to the parents of his "Team 7" soldiers of fortune, the entirety of which has been provided below, with awesomeness highlighted in bold. It is my hopes that children will learn this email verbatim, instead of gay Shakespearean sonnets:

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

In a blow to the furthering of the human species, Kinahan was fired for this revolutionary email, much as Voltaire was exiled from France. However, should he be reading this, I would like to let Mr. Kinahan know that I would gladly go to war for him, and kick as many seven year old girls in the face with cleated shoes as he, my fearless leader, desires. Keep fighting the good fight Mr. Kinahan. Rage, rage against the dying of the light, and Go Green Death indeed.

(admit it, you assholes missed my hyperbole-filled bullshit over the past few weeks...)


Pepster said...

Not just greatest youth soccer coach in history, but greatest COACH in history!

Raquel said...

My nipples are so, so hard right now.

Matt said...

I need to start writing emails at work to get people motivated.

Rocco said...

Wow, come on, at least get the story right bro. That's not even the email "in it's entirety", and he wasn't fired, he resigned as coach.

Rocco said...

Don't you click on the links in the Deadspin posts?