Thursday, April 2, 2009

Breakfast With the Hysterics!


The fair denizens of Hysteriana gathered in our hallowed online palais du sport (read: ESPN.com) last night for our Fingerlickin' Fantasy Fiasco, Part Deux to split hairs over the relative merits of Mark Buehrle and Jon Garland and select our fantasy baseball teams. Huzzah! More on this is doubtless to come... for now, I'll just point out that only in a league composed entirely of dipshit East Coast AL homers could I pick dead last (14th overall) and still wind up with Chase Utley as my first pull. Ha!


As we frantically scrambled to fill our rosters and avoid drafting Zach Greinke under APNDR's draconian draft system, the Celtics were busy taking a double-OT barnburner from the Charlotte Bobcats thanks to a heart-stopping 3 from Ray Allen with 2.1 seconds to go. There was a poll recently on the Celtics' website asking, "Which Celtic would you trust most to make a last-minute 3 with the game on the line?" The options, as I recall, were Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Eddie House (seriously, who the fuck let Tommy Heinsohn come up with the poll answers?). I voted Allen, as did the majority of voters, and I must say that it is always a gratifying feeling when real-life scenarios support previously-made Internet assertions. I WAS RIGHT ON THE INTERNET! SOMEONE GET ME A TROPHY I HAVE WON THE EBAYS!!!!

In other news, I call your attention to the following story from St. Looey, where it seems my beloved Rick Ankiel is undergoing yet another identity crisis. To wit:

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

Yes, I suppose the introduction of a dick is always a reliable ice breaker. I'm just not sure that, given the options "be named after a penis" or "don't be named after a penis," I'd select "be named after a penis." But hey! I guess that's why I'm not a baseball player.

To round out this short but nutritionally complete breakfast, I bring you the following gem courtesy of Universal Hub. The young lady below is a true role model: for perseverance; for levelheadedness in the face of adversity; for focusing on her goals; for how to become intoxicated enough to almost certainly pee your pants on the Orange Line back to Malden. Observe! More than anything, I'm just impressed she was able to get that drunk off the watered-down, overpriced swill they call beer at the Garden. Well done, m'lady.



I should note that I am indebted for both the video and the Rick Dick Ankiel story to Raskolnikov of Melt Your Face Off. Have you figured out which one of them I'm sleeping with yet? (Hint: It's Hextall454.)

8 comments:

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

I'm an internet celebrity in that video, in the background, for like 5 seconds! Wooo!

Are you wondering why the Thunderdome has elk meat, too?

GHABB,Y~! said...

Do you guys use pucks as foreplay? And if so, how exactly do you cram one of those things in there? I think even a daily Kegels regimen wouldn't prepare you for something that size and shape.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Smarty's reaction to the escalator girl: "Mom?"

Raquel said...

That vid is AMAZING. Cornelius, did you witness this?!

Raquel said...

And no, we use shinny sticks and plenty of lube.

HZMLS said...

Let's just say that if Clayton Kershaw tanks this year, my team will be fucked harder than Jenna Haze.

Rocco said...

That girl is my hero.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

It's like watching a beetle try and turn itself after its been flipped onto its back....