Thursday, April 30, 2009

Patriots Make A Trade! OMG

wait for it....

wait for it....

Is the hesitation annoying you yet?....

No it's not Julius they didn't add any Linebacker depth....

The Patriots have traded for....wait for it....

ALEX SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, not the previous #1 draft pick from the SF 49ers. No this guy is actually probably better, former Bucs TE Alex Smith:

Ben Watson, after the trade for Chris Baker, and this trade, I think it safe to say that you might be looking for a new job real soon. See that's what happens when you are hurt for most of five seasons.

He's More Useful Than Heidi....

Your new NESN in-studio commentator is.....

Welcome home, Dave!

Ed. note: And yes, I'm ALL about the big wallpapers today, dammit!

Hey, What's This In My Email Archive Folder?


Ed. Note: While cleaning up my Outlook Express files, I discovered that there were some old emails from late 2006/early 2007 that weren't actually addressed to me. I think I had been BCC:'d on them or something. But lo and behold, I discovered one that was, shall we say, interesting....

From: Henry, John (
Date: 11/8/2006 10:47 PM
To: David J. Drew (
cc: Epstein, Theo (; Hoyer, Jed (; Francona, Terry (
Subject: A Man's Truth

Dear JD,

A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn't really. He doesn't need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn't think he has and what he thinks he wants.

We probably wouldn't have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts.

So you will ask, "Why are you writing this?" Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little Dodger-blue planet from my vantage point.

We feted that skeletal Gammons fellow tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed.
You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you.

I barely know you. I don't have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a left-handed hitter he knows - even tabula rasa - with the attributes I believe reside in you. It's the small things that ultimately matter. The subtle things.

I am honest. I don't play games. And I see no reason not to say that I've been smitten by you and you've done me a great service.

You've very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer.

So thanks.

No response is necessary because a man doesn't need nearly as much as he thinks he does.

But how would you feel about, say, $14M/yr, 5 yrs, with injury opt-outs?


John Henry
CEO and President
Boston Red Sox
4 Yawkey Way
Boston, MA 02215

p.s. You're hot.

Montana and Hawaii: "Steroids are totally cool with us."


When Everything Is Going Right


Last night was one of those games that just appeared that the Sox were bound to lose. Jon Lester looked completely ineffective, hanging pitches to Kelly Shoppach and the Great White Hope Mark DeRosa, and allowing 5 ER in 6 innings. Fausto Carmona looked vintage 2007 ( before he tanked against the Sox in the ALCS), and continued to mix up his pitches, at one point going completely side arm to Mike Lowell. The Sox had two hits through the first five innings, and the idea of Jeff Bailey and Jonathan Van Every doing much of anything seemed like a distant dream.

But this isn't your typical Red Sox team. Remember, these Sox are never out of any game, hell they were down 8-0 to the Orioles two weeks ago and came back to win. Over the past two weeks it has been a different player who has shown they have Balls Made of Steel. Last night that Iron Clad Testicular Super Hero was Jonathan Van Every. Every who last year I had to ask Smarty Barrett who the fuck he was, had not one but TWO huge hits to complete an epic comeback against the Tribe. What better time to hit your first career home run then in extra innings? Welcome to Boston my friend, feel free to sleep with my sister and never call her back, you've earned it.

Watching this years Red Sox has been a completely different experience from teams in recent memory. Without Mannywood and the complete disappearance of Papi's power from a team that scored lots of runs via the middle of the lineup to one dispersed from 1-9. And to finally have a team with organizational depth that can handle Rocco's mitochondrial ouchies, and Dice Ks WBC destroyed arm is reassuring and helps me to sleep at night without the help of Nyquill. And doesn't it feel nice to have the best bullpen in baseball, and we don't have to deal with heaping piles of terribleness like Cleveland, NY and Baltimore? Up next we have the 8-14 Rays, who haven't shown much of anything after their first series with the Sox, please for the love of Chirst don't let them back into the division hunt. SWEEP THEM.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Celtics-Bulls Game 5: The Best Game I've Ever Been To


I've been to a lot of Celtics games. I've seen blowouts, buzzer beaters, playoff Game Sevens, and even Acie Earl running like a flamingo with Fragile X Syndrome. Hell, I even worked at the Garden for a spell, during which time I may have told Lucky the Leprechaun to stop pulling his "gay shit" in front of Ron Artest. But last night was, by far, without question the most awesome, amazing and scrumtrulescent game I've ever seen live and in living color.

By now, you've probably read 15 articles about last night's game (christ, the Globe even dusted off the Hulk Hogan-tanned corpse of Bob Ryan to write his own pap-filled paean), engaged in multiple internet flame wars over whether Rondo's foul on Miller at the end of OT was flagrant (it honestly wasn't, though Big Baby's in Game 4 probably was), and started building a shrine to Paul Pierce in your bedroom, complete with Yankee Candles.

But I'm not here to talk about that. If you wanted an "objective journalist's" recap of last night's game, you're clearly in the wrong place. I know we started this blog as a site for the "rational Boston sports fan" and all, FREAKING CHRIST ON A CROUTON WAS THAT GAME AMAZING!

First off, I must give "props" as the kids say, to the Garden crowd. Many have decried the milquetoast nature of the Causeway street crowds ever since the old Garden was torn down, but last night resurrected the ghosts of Celtics Fans of Christmas Past in both intensity and awesomeosity. 18.624 of us screamed bloody murder for the entirety of the game, rocking the overindustrialized New Garden to its fortified concrete core. Seriously, everyone there was going positively apeshit for the entire game. Hell, the dude who played McLovin in Superbad was there, sitting courtside, advertised on the jumbotron as "MCLOVIN." (yeah, he's not getting typecast or anything) I have no voice this morning, and the last time I remember that happening, it was due to singing "The Clansman" seven rows back at an Iron Maiden show. But last night was, dare I say, even better than Iron Maiden, minus of course the 20-foot Eddie that ambled out on stage during "Number of the Beast." Which, now that I think about it, should really be a part of every big Celtics game.

Fortified by the deafening madness of the crowd, the C's heroically pulled out a game that they had very little business winning. They were down by 11 with nine minutes left in regulation. Ray Allen not only was colder than a Catholic prom date, but worse, he inexplicably fouled out with 5:27 left in the fourth quarter. Things were looking dire for our Green, to say the least.

But then Paul Pierce happened.

My love for El Capitan has bordered on stalkerish on this site, but it simply must be said again - that dude has liquid nitrogen running through his veins. After three and a half quarters of "Rondo and not much else," Pierce decided, at the ultimate moment, to carry the team on his back and will them to victory. He drained a tough 15-footer to put the game into OT. He started playing D like a madman. He sunk three impossible jumpers in the last 1:16 of overtime. Rondo may have dragged the C's up the mountain, but it took the juevos grande of Paul Pierce to to truly reach the summit, and eventually victory. I know David Ortiz has the reputation of "Mr. Clutch" in this city, but, given his performances of the last two seasons, is there really any doubt that Pierce is the real Captain Clutch around here?

A few other notes from a game that has me running on absolute fumes this morning:

* I know Perkins' stat line (16 points, 19 boards, seven blocks) looks damn impressive, but let me tell you as someone who was there: he could have done SO much more. The Bulls basically dared Perk to shoot from anywhere outside of 2 feet for the entire game, but he passed up shot opportunity after shot opportunity. We already know he can board, but if that dude ever develops an even remotely reliable 10-foot jumper (or more importantly, the confidence to take said shot), he'd be putting up 20-15 nights with regularity. The fact that shooting is the furthest thing from his mind whenever he touches the ball anywhere outside the key may actually cause me cardiac arrest before the age of 27.

*Ben Gordon is cooked. I don't know if it was the hamstring, exhaustion or the crowd, but he looked absolutely nothing like the Gordon we saw in Games 1, 2 and 4. Sure, the box score shows that he had 26 points in 51 minutes, but those points came on 6-21 shooting, and with little in the way of defensive resistance. In fact, if he didn't get to the line so often (11-12 from the stripe last night THANKS A PANTLOAD TONY ALLEN), the story that we'd all be reading today is how Ben Gordon's hamstring basically turned him into Cripply McCripplestein for the duration of last night's game, and, consequently, that the Bulls' top scoring option is now one-legged for the rest of the series. As a Celtics fan, this gives me great joy and optimism.

*Ricky at Top Ten Chicago Sports (complete with angry comments from HZMLS and SmartyBarrett - Ricky, we still love you and you're still part of the family) noted this in his column this morning - Joakim Noah has become the heart and soul of this Bulls team. I wholeheartedly agree. Here's the thing (and note that this is coming from a lifelong Gator and someone who watched more Noah games in college than should be legally allowed) - Noah's not a very talented basketball player. His main basketball skills include "yelling while pumping his fists" and "reaching over the back for rebounds." But all of that said, when he steps onto a basketball court, his only mission in life is to win basketball games by any means necessary. He always seems to be in the right place at the right time, he's always pushing his teammates to play above their talent level (something which Derrick Rose, for all his platitudes, seems loath to do), and he seems to relish in the role of "hated heel" that hasn't been seen since the days of the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. If I was to pick a single NBA player that would pick a fight with Brock Lesnar simply for the purpose of sticking up for his teammates, it would probably be Joakim Noah. As much as I am bound by Fan Law to hate him for this series (my girlfriend referred to him as a "gangly, hairy turd" at the game last night), that's a dude I'd go to war with anytime.

All of that said, as much as I'd like to make a prediction for Game 6 or the series in general, I really haven't the foggiest as to what will happen. If the C's came out flat on Thursday and lost by 30 on Thursday, I wouldn't be shocked, especially given how gassed Pierce and Allen must be by now. Conversely, if they came out like gangbusters and bitch-slapped the Bulls on their home court Thursday night, I wouldn't be shocked either. And as for a possible Game 7, really, all possibilities are in play. In reality, the truth lies somewhere in between - another overtime classic or two filled with ballsy shot after ballsy shot. But no matter what happens, this has been a series that we'll all be able to tell our grandchildren about, no matter whether you're a C's fan, a Bulls fan or a basketball fan in general. I'm just glad that I got to witness part of it live. Even if it meant sacrificing my voice today.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Boston Sports Tonight!


When did he become good? Jesus he came out of the draft and all people could talk about was his "intangibles" and "defense", now all of sudden he has turned into Dwight Howard, just wayyyy douchier. Look at him, he looks like he has Aretha Franklin's ass hair coming out of the side of his hat, and David Stern must have shoved his arm halfway up Noah's rear. Just think Celtics fans we are two losses away from dropping this series to the son of a tennis player. But it looks like the basketball gods like Boston, because it appears that Ben Gordon will be sitting out today, which means that Chicago's backup guard is set to drop 35 on Ray Allen. Crap, I can't even imagine it. Please for the love of Christ win.....

And over in Cleveland, Julio Lugo will be making his triumphant return. Honestly, this is the most malaise I have felt over a starter returning since Nomar came back from one of his various ailments in '04. Lugo on paper has to be an upgrade over Nick Green, but then again Green has played much better than we expected. So we should expect lots of Lugo strikeouts, dozens of LOB's and closeups of his gaunt face all game. Brad Penny is facing off against Al Reyes if the game happens but then again its pouring in Cleveland....

Consider this an open thread for the night, discuss either game, or just random thoughts...

Your Extremely Early 2010 Ryder Cup Preview Post


NFL Draft Analysis- The Mass Hysteria Way

The draft is over, Mel Kiper Jr and Todd McShay can now go back to their caves for the next ten months and furiously masturbate over Tim Tebow and Sam Bradford. Sure you can get draft recaps from every Joe Shmoe on every website, but where else can you find that patented Mass Hysteria flair that you have come to know and tolerate. Sorry that this has taken a little while to put together, but the NFL Draft is something that needs to be slowly digested, brewed, and smeared all over the internets. Enjoy!

Draftee with a quality that scares the ever loving shit out of me

That would have to be Patrick Chung, who scares the crap out of me just based on his name. It's not very often you find a player with an Asian last name that is any good at football. There was Nguyen the linebacker for the Texans and Cowboys, and that is just about it. The last Asian named player the Pats had was Eugene Chung, who could be one of the worst picks the Pats have ever made. He sucked hard, and so to see another "Chung" on the back of a Pats jersey makes me a little nervous. He is supposed to be an explosive hitter, and a good player, but the word CHUNG and PATS should never be allowed ever again.

Draftee that is bound to fail

Brandon Tate. Bill Belichick and the word genius are thrown around alot, especially when it comes to the draft. And why not, he in the past has systematically helped his teams immediate needs while keeping the teams long term goals in mind. But one particular position Belichick has particularly sucked at evaluating, and that is the Wide Receiver. Look at his most recent picks, Bethel Johnson and Chad Jackson (who the Pats traded Greg Jennings and a pick for), both were "explosive" receivers, who both turned out to be giant piles of shit. Tate was projected to be a first round pick at the beginning of the year, but tearing your ACL and MCL kind of puts a damper on your abilities.

Look I watched this draftee for four years believe me he will be good

I know most of you are saying, Ron Brace was only good because he played alongside BJ Raji who was a monster off the line. But remember this, BC had a good defense two years ago, which was LED by Brace while Raji was sitting out the season for being academically retarded. Brace along with being absolutely enormous, can be a great run stopper. Plus whenever the Pats draft a BC player, I get way too excited. Anyways the Patriots needed depth on the line because Seymour, Warren and Wilfork are all free agents at the end of the season, and it would be good to have him under the wings and waiting after the Raiders inevitably sign Wilfork to a 7 year 95 million dollar contract.

This draftee will be an immediate upgrade over everyone else the Pats threw out there last year

Darius Butler- UConn. Honestly I don't know alot about this guy, UConn football was exactly must watch football last year but from what I hear this guy could be VERY good. And how could he be any worse than Deltha O'Neal, and um whatever other schlubs the Pats threw out at CB. Yes I believe that Butler could be an upgrade over Ellis Hobbs, who had the tendency to get burned by good receivers. For years I have been very skeptical of the Patriots CB's, but that has always been Bills philosophy, with the exception of Asante Samuel and Ty Law, the Pats have never had good CBs, they always count on great pressure up front to cause bad passes that even the "Deltha O'Neals" can cover.


Julian Edelman. Sure we need more Jewish WR/QB hybrids, but who the hell is this guy? If you have actually heard of him, or know what positive contributions he can add to this team feel free to mock me all you want. Surely he will be off the team by the end of July.

So Hysterics, what are your thoughts on the draft?

Monday, April 27, 2009

What'd I Miss?


Good morning everyone, I am back. For the past week I was basking in the awesome glow of the Mediterranean Sea and living it up in Barcelona. I'll probably post more about this experience later, but I wanted to check in with the Hysterics and see how things went over the past week....

* The Red Sox are still playing sub .500 baseball right? Have they figured out what the hell to do with Mike Lowell sucking up the middle of the lineup? And have the Sox finally put Jacoby Ellsbury at the bottom of the lineup yet? How long can they let a guy hitting .200 suck up the top spot? How did the series with the Yanks go? Did Joba shut us down and Texeira go apeshit against our pitching?

* How's the weather been? Still fucking feel like winter?

* I totally missed the entire four game of the Celtics playoffs. Did we sweep? I mean how can a team run by a rookie point guard, and starting Joakim "my main positive attribute is I scream alot" Noah actually beat the defending the World Champions? I mean even without KG, Pierce and Allen mopped the floor with them right? Who are we playing in the second round?

* After scaring the ever loving shit out of me in Game 1, did the Canadiens and Bruins trade off wins all week? It wouldn't be like the Bruins- Habs to have three blowouts over the week right?

* I had this weird dream about the Golden Girls last night.....Bea Arthur is doing ok right?

* Holy crap I missed the draft. How does Clay Matthews look in a Patriots uniform? And Belichick got us another CB to compliment Ellis Hobbs right? What kind of big deal did Bill make? Is Julius Peppers finally a Patriot?

* Just checking in on this, I assume BJ Raji was drafted early, but where did my boy Ron Brace end up? HE IS WHERE??????????????????????????????????????????????

Sunday, April 26, 2009





Friday, April 24, 2009

Yankees @ Red Sox Series Preview


Oh look. The Yankees are in town. Blogs are writing about it. I guess maybe we should jump in on the action.

It's setting up nicely, isn't it? The Sox on fire, 80+ degree weather in the Hub, a certain Yankee starter is wasted and weaving his car through Boston traffic... are you as ready as I am? Do we really need any more build-up? Papi is already yapping at Joba (pronounced yŏb-a) about potentially throwing at the Sox Hebrew first-baseman. The Yankees acquired the highly-coveted, we-wanted-him-because-the-media-told-us-so prize that is Mark Teixeira. Andy Pettitte used hGH. What else do you need? Predictions from a blogger?


Well, FINE!

Game 1 (Chamberlain vs. Lester): 5-3, Red Sox. The game experiences a brief delay in the 3rd inning when Joba strikes out Youk and pumps his fist for 16 and a half minutes. Chamberlain actually outpitches Lester and leaves with a lead. But that trusty Yankees bullpen comes through again! Also, Bay goes deep. Write it down.

Game 2 (Burnett vs. Beckett): 7-4, Yankees. If I had actually watched any of the 2003 World Series, I bet this matchup would intrigue me more. Unfortunately, I spent most of that week in drunk, in bed, or drunk in bed. There's depression, and then there's Red Sox-related depression. I pick this game to be super-frustrating, and not just cuz Buck and McCarver are calling it on TV. Burnett comes out shaky and ends up walking 6 in his outting, but works out of jam after jam after jam. Beckett is just as wild, but the Yanks end up pushing more runs across. The big moment is when Beckett lets one loose up and in to Brett Gardner, who ends up leaving the field in a body bag. Unfortunately for the Sox, Brett Gardner sucks ass, and it's addition by subtraction. While discussing Baldelli in a segue, McCarver mis-pronounces "mitochondria" 37 times.

Game 3 (Pettitte vs. Masterson): 10-3, Red Sox. Fuck Andy Pettitte. The Sox tee off on him, and Masterson settles into a nice groove after a rough start. I attend the game with Raquel. When the blow-out is well in hand and Raquel's BAC is well above the legal limit, she begins to touch up her makeup, turns to me and informs me she can help Jed Lowrie's recovery. I stay for the rest of the game before bailing her out of prison. Robinson Cano achieves the golden sombrero. While discussing Baldelli in a segue, Joe Morgan mis-pronounces "Rocco" 37 times.

What say the Hysterics?

Caption This Picture!


Obama: "OMG, I'm never washing this hand again!"

Your suggestions in the comments...

In Which Your Editors Weigh in on the Sporting World's Most Pressing Issue


Raquel: I actually like the mustache
GHABB,Y~! oh, im a fan of any and all facial hair
im attempting the serpico beard as we speak
but he def looks like the dude from the sarah silverman show
Raquel: I do not watch that show
as I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater than listen to Sarah Silverman's voice
but I respect your right to watch it
GHABB,Y~! thank you voltaire

Truth be told: I like the mustache. It says, "Hey, baby. I'll fix that leaky faucet of yours... then pound you into next week while flexing my biceps in front of your bathroom mirror." RAWR! My impending move to St. Louis is looking sexier by the minute.

In other news, Celtics blah blah 21 points blah. When the fuck does the Bruins' next series start?

Celtics-Bulls Game 3: Speed Demon Glen Davis


If any one image summarized a basketball game, it is the one above. Glen Davis, he of the Rubenesque body type (one that struck fear into the heart of our own SmartyBarrett when he saw Big Baby at CVS a few weeks back) not only dribbling, but fucking leading a fast break. When I saw this occurrence on my television, I literally had to rewind it four times to prove that yes, that was indeed Big Baby outrunning the likes of Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon to go coast-to-coast. Glen Motherfucking Davis! Leading a fast break! Holy shit!

Suffice it to say, last night's severe drubbing of our frisky friends from Chicago warmed the cockles of this diehard C's fan. This is the Celtics team we hoped would show up for the playoffs. One that jumped out to an early lead and just kept the throttle on "severe asskicking." As one that has watched roughly 30 of Mike Tyson's early fights over the last month or so, last night's C's reminded me of mid-80s Iron Mike (pre-Robin Givens, that evil succubus) dominating his opponents with unmatched brutality and that special "My only mission in life is to kill this motherfucker" glean in their collective eye. As a big fan of severe, one-sided beatings, it was simply beautiful to watch.

Last night's win also, I think, will have a significant psychological affect, both on the C's and their young opponents. "Usain Bolt" Davis and his band of ring-bearing champions not only beat the Bulls in every facet of the game last night, but did so on Chicago's home court. Like Rick James at Eddie Murphy's house, they said "fuck yo' couch!" and proceeded to humble the Bulls like the Iron Sheik. Jump out to a big lead? Howsabout a 22 point lead at halftime. Stop the Bulls' dangerous guards? Rose and Gordon went a combined 9-27 from the field. Make their threes? The C's shot 57% behind the arc. Get Pierce back on track? El Capitan had 24, including one sick off-balance three from the corner after he was mosh-pitted prior to the shot (how the fuck was that not a foul?) Hell, even Stephon Marbury's Head Tattoo had the best game of his short Celtics career, scoring 13 in 24 minutes and showing flashes of the Starbury of old.

While I do have some points of concern - namely Rondo's gimpy ankle/foot and the apparent hit put out on Tony Allen, last night's game still had me feeling nothing but confident that the Celtics would come away with this series and, more importantly, shut the trap of our dear friend Zach at Slow Breaker. Rose petals my ass, Sunday can't come soon enough.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

When One Door Closes.....

Another one opens!!!!

Um, wait... That wasn't right....

There we go.

According to the almost-never-wrong Nick Cafardo, the Sox have reacquired Kason Gabbard from the Rangers in exchange for.... well, we don't actually know. One can only hope that Theo el Dio convinced the Ranja Boys that we still control the rights to Eric Gagne, which we totally intend to trade to them, and that the plan is to wait until Gabbard is safely in Boston before exclaiming "PSYCH!!!!!" and farting in their general direction. But I digress.

Gabbard had not quite matched his impressive (given that nobody knew who the hell he was when he was thrust into the 2007 rotation) Sox stat lines with the Rangers, going 4-4 with a 5.14 ERA in 20 starts between 2007 and 2008. He's also had shoulder elbow issues. However, he is what they call in the bizness a "crafty lefty", and crafty lefties don't grow on trees. So if you can get one cheap -- especially one you have presumably scouted to death and know everything there is to know about -- you probably grab him. And so the Sox apparently did.

What does this mean in terms of the current rotation? I don't think it means anything. I think it's just a typical Theo Epstein move of seeing an opportunity to obtain value and taking it. On the other hand (and with apologies to Smarty B), I have a feeling that the Dirt Dogg crowd will have, shall we say, other interpretations....


Sign From Team That Dice-K, Buchholz Probably Dead and/or Paralyzed


Panicked Trades Imminent As Team Abandons Hope of 2009 Playoffs

An Ode to the 2008-2009 Montreal Canadiens

Alas, poor Montreal. I knew them well,
For long have they our fear'd oppressors stood,
And yet, today, their mournful deathly knell
Tolls out. And thusly, eulogize we should.
'Twas but last April when, our heads hung low,
We slunk away from Montreal's puck might;
Today, however, we the spoils show
And send fair Koivu into that soft night.
Farewell, sweet Carey! Oh, and Jaro, too:
Thy supple five-holes sorely shall we miss.
Brave Georges LaRaque! Thy stick flew high and true,
As did Mike Komisarek's. Yea, know this:
I'll shed a tear to see the Frenchmen go,
For, oh, I love to watch them suffer so.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Bruins @ Canadiens, NHL Playoffs Game 4 *LIVE BLOG*


This Desucks


Due to the necessity of adding another outfielder (thank you very much, Mr. Rhode Island Mitochondritis....), the Sox called up Jeff "Not the guy who sang 'Easy Lover' with Phil Collins" Bailey from Pawtucket. However, to do so, they had to make a 40-man roster move, which means that the team placed Devern Hansack on unconditional waivers.


"But Pimp," you say, "why should I give a crap about releasing a marginal AAA guy who never really established himself in any of his brief MLB callups?" Oh yes, Reader, you sly dog -- you and your "good points" and your "well-thought-out reasoning" think you actually know stuff, don't you? The reason you should care about Devern is that Devern threw the only no-hitter I've ever witnessed in person.

That no-hitter was, of course, the miserable October 1st, 2006 season finale against the Orioles, played out during the scattered spitting, cold showers that followed a 3 1/2 hour rain delay. The only reason anyone was there was because it was, by that point, very clear that said game would be the last game Trot Nixon played for the Red Sox. Trot held up his end, getting a leadoff hit in the first (and scoring on a Mike Lowell home run), but it was Devern who was the real story in an otherwise forgettable, meaningless game. But for a walk to the immortal Fernando Tatis (who was immediately erased by a Chris Gomez double play), Hansack would have been perfect on the day. He faced the minimum 15 batters before the umpires finally put the rain-soaked game out of its misery sometime around 7:30 pm, striking out 6. Oh sure, it was only the Orioles, and a particularly bad version of the Orioles at that.... but it was a no-hitter! That I got to see!


Except of course that it wasn't. No, thanks to a rule change pushed through by "Commissioner" of "Baseball" Bud Selig -- or, as I like to lovingly call him, The Festering Pus-Filled Wart On Satan's Cock -- Devern's no-hitter isn't a no-hitter. Despite being a recorded official win in which the pitcher did not give up a hit, it does not count as a no-hitter, because it did not go nine innings. Because now a no-hitter isn't a no-hitter; it's a no-hitter that falls within Bud Selig's desired parameters. Despite "no-hitter" clearly meaning "a game in which the pitcher gives up no hits", that's not what it means at all. How silly of us to believe otherwise!

Congratulations, Bud! Only you could manage to redefine something to mean something other than its plain meaning!

Oh, and thanks so much for the WBC too. I'm glad our $100M pitcher was fucked up in order that you could make another couple of million off the Koreans. Great job!

Topics for Classroom Discussion

(1) Bud Selig is to baseball what George W. Bush was to the presidency. Discuss.

(2) If you were given the opportunity to get rid of Bud Selig, would you hunt him down as the Most Dangerous Game, or would you throw him out of the helicopter door while 40 miles out at sea? Why did you choose your answer?

(3) Imagine you are Bud Selig. Now, for those of you who did not immediately commit suicide: imagine that it has become clear that many star players are obtaining a competitive advantages by raping babies. What kind of sand would you stick your head into to avoid this problem? How deep would you stick it in? Who would you choose to blame when it all came out -- society or the union?

(4) Brainstorm all the ways in which a used car salesman lacks the skills to lead a major sport.

Author's note: I'M BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Celtics-Bulls Game 2: Ray Allen's Ginormous Balls


Okay, as part of my New Year's resolution to be less of a miserly douchebag, first the good: RAY ALLEN HAS BALLS OF STEEL. Ray-Ray, as I predicted, broke out of his six-quarter slump and went into straight-up Jesus Shuttlesworth mode last night in the second half, going for 28 points in the half and draining every clutch shot imaginable, including the game-winner. That dude is money, and his jumper is so pretty that classical music plays in my head every time he goes to shoot. Throw in Rondo's triple-double, Big Baby's 26-point night and the team's 21 offensive rebounds, and last night was an excellent offensive performance against a very tough opponent.

Note that I said OFFENSIVE. Because on defense, the C's have suddenly decided over the last two games to suck it down the shaft, all the way to the balls. Look, I understand that KG being out would greatly affect the defense, but I figured that the loss of the team's star power forward would hurt, say, perhaps, the team's interior defense? Sadly, that hasn't been the case. Instead, we've been toasted by the Bulls' guards - either Ben Gordon shooting out on the perimeter, or Derrick Rose slashing to the hoop. KG's absence has nothing to do with Ben Gordon putting up 42 last night, that was all on the perimeter D. Defense was how the C's won 66 games and the championship last year, but in these playoffs, it's the defense that's been absolutely killing them.

But a win's a win, and the C's at least earned a split at home before heading into Chicago. As for their fate in the Second City? The Celtics are tied for the second best road record in the league, just behind the Lakers. They pretty much shut down Derrick Rose last night, and have kept Salmons under wraps the entire series. Perk and Big Baby have more than made up for KG's absence. But the Bulls are also 15 games better at home than on the road this year, and they seem to have adopted a "playing with house money" attitude that is serving them quite well. Literally no outcome would shock me at this point for the two Chicago games. This has quickly turned into a series between two teams with noticeable flaws, but just enough balls to overcome them.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Celtics/Bulls Game 1: Derrick Rose is Positively Terrifying


As you're all probably aware by now (unless you were drunk all weekend, in which case, huzzah and Happy Hangover Day), the C's lost Game 1 on Saturday to the Bulls, 106-105. But it wasn't even that they lost that disturbs me as much as how they lost.

But let me first give credit where credit is due. Derrick Rose was reeediculous on Saturday. Against the best defensive PG in the league, Rose did whatever he wanted. He slashed to the hoop with ease. He dished. He consistently made his jumpers. Derrick Rose had one of the best playoff performances in recent memory in his first playoff game ever. And let's not forget, he's only 20 years old. He's not even old enough to drink. He's only going to get better, and I foresee an NBA years from now where he, Chris Paul and Ricky Rubio redefine what everyone once thought of the point guard position.

Will Rose's put up 36 and 11 in every game this series? Probably not. Neither will Joakim Noah (the bastard son of my Gator love) grab 17 rebounds or Tyrus Thomas sink three more clutch jumpers. But it's what allowed these youngsters to have these career-highlight performances that disturbed me. Stuff like Allen's 1-12 shooting night, or Pierce's missed free throw or only making 3-17 from three - those are all things which I think will correct themselves, and soon.

But the C's had larger problems on Saturday, those which portend to long-term troubles. The C's couldn't get back on defense. They couldn't make shots when it counted. They couldn't close out a young team when they had a lead. Those were more disturbing, and less fixable. The Bulls didn't just win on Saturday, they made the Celtics look old, slow and unprepared to defend their championship.

Greetings from Spain


Hello or Hola everyone, this is HZMLS and I am going to try to post something here in Spain. I say try because I am on a spanish keyboard and the QWERTY letters are all over the place displaced by bastard letters such as ñ Ç and ¿. Also I wanted to paste this next sentence lower in the post, but I can´t read a lick of spanish and the entire IE is set up in Catalyan. Happy Patriots Day, please drink an extra Sam Adams for me today. Right now I am in Barcelona visiting the sister of my fiance, who is studying abroad. Because we are saving for the biggest money syphon, a wedding, we decided that staying in a hostel would be the cheapest way to travel. We got a private room which is pretty sweet, though the white in the towels are now gray. In the hostel on our floor we have four loud frenchman, three irritating spaniards and some others I haven´t met, and who didn´t bother me at all last nigt because I split a picture of Sangria with the wifey....right before the bottle of wine....and some Spanish beer. I decided to write this post because I wanted to let you know about the place we ate dinner. The bartender noticed we are American and checked my ID when I used my CC. He was like Oh your from Massachusetts too, the Red Sox are playing like shit this year huh¿ Seems like our sports teams reputations preceed ourselves. Enjoy the marathon!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Jack Edwards on the Bergie

Jack Edwards on the Bergie fight: "CONCUSS THIS!" Lollercaust.

Holy cow! Josh Gorges cheapshots

Holy cow! Josh Gorges cheapshots Patrice Bergeron in the back of the head... and Bergie takes the bait! His first fighting major!

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Titty Garden?


If you haven't heard, the New Garden Shawmut Fleet TD Banknorth Garden Center Centre is undergoing another name change again, this time renaming itself as the "TD Garden." Let me be the first to make the "Titty Garden" joke (and copyright the name for an accompanying strip club), but given that The Big Building Where the Celtics and Bruins Play changes its name roughly every 0.37393 seconds, and the oh-so-spectacular state of the global banking industry, I will now postulate on what the next name change will be, set to take place roughly by the time I finish writing this sentence:

The Bernie and Phyl's Home for Furniture, Frightening Spokeswomen and Sports.

The Dunkin Donuts "Don't Stick Your Balls in Our Coffee No Matter How Much Your Friend Dares You To" Drive Thru Sports Stop.

Mark Wahlberg Lives Here. Seriously, He Sleeps in a Janitor's Closet Between Games. Stadium.

The "Ernie Boch Jr. Promised to Pay for This Place if We Let His Shitty Band Play Before Every Game" Concert Hall

The Only Place in the North End Where Black People Feel Comfortable

The $9.50 Beer Home of Usury and Moneylending.

The Stop & Shop "Don't Kick the Homeless People On Your Way In, No Matter How Tempting It Is" Superstore & Athletic Facility.

The Jordan's Furniture Diabolical Maze of Overpriced Couches and Ottomans That Eventually Leads to Something.

Chuck E Cheez's "Look, the Celtics Fired That Creepy Midget Mascot So It's Safe to Bring Your Kids Here Again" Ball Pit and Pizza Joint.

The Jonas Brothers Potential Venue in Which to Not Have Sex With Girls in the Green Room Arena.

The Boston Garden: Brought to you by the Highly Profitable New England Sports Museum.

The Ten's Showclub Home For Wayward Strippers With C-Section Scars and Bullet Wounds.

Bob's Home Furniture Really Needs the Business, Two Kidneys, One Liver and Sold Out Luxury Boxes Sportatorium.

And finally, the people's choice: Duuuuudeguy the Fahhcking Gaaaahhhden Brah! *vomits on shoes and newborn infant sitting three rows ahead*

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Canadiens @ Bruins, NHL Playoffs Game 1 *LIVEBLOG*


There's a Bruins Live Blog Brewin'


GET IT?!?!?!!111!!

Even though the fabulous hockey guru Raquel will not be in attendance, HZMLS and myself will do our best to bring you action, humor, and general hockey bullshit. We'll likely be drinking as well, so you KNOW it's gonna be awesome. Surprise guests, ridiculous pictures, and random mobile posts are a given. So let's do it up!

Briuns/Canadiens, 7:00 PM

Isn't it fun watching me

Isn't it fun watching me try out technology and FAIL MISERABLY?
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Playoffs Series Preview: Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens


I don't think it could possibly get any better than this.

Tonight is Game 1 of our first-round playoffs match-up against the hated Canadiens, our arch-rival since the earliest days of professional hockey. The historical buildup to any Bruins/Habs event is always enormous, but this year, we've got a particular grievance to settle: we faced them in last year's first round as the adorably doomed 8th seed to their best-in-the-conference might and lost a ferocious 7-game series in a blowout. Allow me to remind you of last year's series:

Game 1: Montreal, 4-1. Cue the histrionics and the north-of-the-border wankery (I think they spell it "wanquerie") about what a GREAT team these 2008 Canadiens are and what a MIRACULOUSLY TALENTED YOUNG THING, OH HEAVENS Carey Price is. I am making the jerk-off motion AS HARD AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

Game 2: Montreal, 3-2 (OT). Wait, what? The Bruins aren't completely hapless? Well slap me silly, 'cause I could have SWORN Kevin Paul duPont told me we were dead in the water. A loss, yes, but this game was as breathless and exciting as you could have asked for.

Game 3: Boston, 2-1 (OT). AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am going to start an R&B group called Savvy! Savvi! Savvé! in honor of Marc Savard's OT goal to win this game for the B's. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Game 4: Montreal, 1-0. WHAT?! You mean we DIDN'T automatically win the series after that amazing Game 3 win? God I hate Gary Bettman.

Game 5: Boston, 5-1. Sometimes I touch myself to this one. This was at the Bell Centre, too. Ha! Hahahahahahaha!

Game 6: Boston, 5-4. Amazing. Heart-poundingly, nipple-hardeningly, orgasm-inducingly amazing. Sobotka! Lucic! Kessel! Sturm! The greatest 3rd period of hockey I've ever witnessed. This was Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS-type huge. I genuinely believe that years from now, when we look back at the incredible season-to-season turnaround of our beloved black-and-gold, we will point to this game as the precipitating moment in which the fierce young Bruins finally came together as a team. Do you want me to continue with the masturbatory sports rhetoric? BECAUSE I WILL GO ON.

Game 7: Go fuck yourself, Montreal. 5-0, Habs, and a big sloppy-teared letdown for the Boston faithful. LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

I don't need to tell you that this year is a whole different game. This time, it's the Bruins who are riding high atop the East -- they've had a death grip on first place since the early weeks of the season and finished with a 53-19-10 record. It's the Canadiens, this time, who are sneaking in with the #8 seed and a team that, 2 months ago, seemed destined to spend the month of April golfing with the Atlanta Thrashers. (That Colby Armstrong is such a character! LOL!) We've strapped on our thigh-high leather boots and dominated Montreal all season long... suddenly, it's the Flying Frenchmen who are the underdogs, and their scrappy Boston counterpart to whom many eyes are looking as the likely next Stanley Cup winners.

Based on a sophisticated new technology, invented and patented by me, I was able to use the results of last year's series combined with this year's play (5-0-1 against the Habs!) and some high-level statistical analysis to project the results of this year's series.

Game 1: 5-3, Boston. Tim Thomas struggles in the second period but is saved by a flurry of scoring from the David Krejci line in the 3rd. Many asinine puns, including "A Winning Hab-it?", are produced in local sports media. Blades is arrested for humping a ketchup cart on the 300-level.

Game 2: 2-0, Boston. The appearance of a package of Dunkaroos in Thomas' locker immediately prior to the game inspires him to play the best game of his life. A spectacular fight between Georges Laraque and Milan Lucic results in the tossing of several dozen pairs of panties onto the ice at the Garden; coincidentally, scientists discover a new, airborne strain of herpes originating from the Saugus area and currently raging through Chelsea several weeks later.

Game 3: 3-1, Montreal. A return home galvanizes the struggling Habs to earn their first win of the season against the Bruins. The Kostitsyn brothers blow several dozen lines of coke off the ass of a Montreal transvestite in celebration. Guy Carbonneau watches at home over a Lean Cuisine. We are all treated to approximately 80,000 hours of blather about how it's the Canadiens' 100th anniversary. Look, Montreal: that magic number bullshit didn't help the Cubs, and it ain't gonna help you.


Game 5: 1-0, Boston. The Bruins seal the series victory at home in front of a roaring crowd of Bostonians. Patrice Bergeron scores the game's lone goal. Tim Thomas, asked at a press conference how he feels about having 2 shutouts in a playoffs series, begins to cry noisily in confusion and is quickly ushered off the platform by the Ice Girls. Andrew Ference takes the T home.

So there you have it! I can assure you that all of the above information is completely accurate, but I suppose it might be worth it to catch the games anyway. You know, so you can hear Jack Edwards giggle every time he pronounces the name "Kostitsyn."



KG is out for the playoffs. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Pats Are Playing a Certain Someone In September

matt ryan


Get To Know the Boston Sports Media: Gerry Callahan

Here at Mass Hysteria we understand that many of our readers are not from the Greater Boston area. As a slave to the state of Massachusetts, HZMLS will introduce you to some of our great and prolific sports reporters that give us the run down each week in print, video and the radio. The goal of these pieces is to allow you the readers to gain a better understanding of the local flavor that creates our sports scene. While some of this is factual, much of this is pure opinion, so if you don't like my writing, you can go to hell.


WEEI has labeled themselves the sports leader here in Boston, mainly because there are no other viable options for listeners to get 24/7 sports talk. Sure ESPN radio exists somewhere, but unless you live between exit 41 and 43 on the Mass Turnpike, this station doesnt come in (and would you really want to listen to Mike and Mike on the way to work?). So what all of you are forced to listen to (unless you have satellite radio) is the dynamic duo of Dennis and Callahan in the morning. The whole premise of the show is that Dennis "the moderate" debates points with Callahan "the lunatic", about news and sports, with calls from Boston listeners. This whole idea is a fucking farce, because Dennis's views are frightingly close to Callahan's, and any caller who dares to disagree usually is just screamed over with no logically argument to be found, and mocked after they hang up.

Please let me preface this conversation by saying that I turn on their show just to get a good laugh, because the two of them are piss all over themselves insane. Gerry Callahan was once a respected sports writer, who wrote great pieces over at Sports Illustrated , but left them to come back to his hometown of Boston, and the *ahem* newspaper The Boston Herald. Just to give you an idea The Herald is to journalism what TMZ is to respectable news shows.

Callahan hates everything, I mean EVERYTHING, except for the non gay military members, Jack Bauer and Ann Coulter. He hates Obama, liberals, Muslims, Manny Ramirez, Bill Belichick, you, Pedro Martinez, Ted Kennedy, and small puppies. If you get the "joy" of tuning into his show, you probably will see Callahan in either one of two modes. Mode one is ripping the shit out of a local sports figure who he finds slovenly or lazy, or going on a diatribe that would make Joseph Goebbels proud. Over the past week Callahan made fun of Ted Kennedy who has fucking brain cancer, sniveled that Barack Obama probably will be coming back from Turkey in a turban, and today called global warming a myth that has been debunked by many books (?). Oh, and Callahan hates blacks, though he has weaseled his way out those accusations. Check out what he said about Metco (urban kids who get to go to surbaban schools) students:


Callahan: "They caught him at a bus stop, right -- he was like waiting to catch a bus out of town."
Dennis: "Yeah, yeah -- he's a METCO gorilla."
Callahan: "Heading out to Lexington."
Dennis: "Exactly

Well it should make you all feel better to know that Callahan attended sensitivity training and is all better now.

Callahan's favorite TV Show 24 is a constant conversation on the show. Though no one watches 24 anymore, it seems that Gerry gets his rocks off through the anti-Muslim, conservative nutjob undertones of the show. I swear he must go home slap a Jack Bauer mask on his wife and goes to town on her.

But our friends that don't live in the area, WEEI IS NOW ONLINE! So if you want to wake up and listen to your racist, bigoted uncle on the radio, tune into Dennis and Callahan. I'm sure you didn't know that global warming is a liberal conspiracy started by that lazy do nothing Manny Ramirez, and that joke Al Gore. Don't believe me? Then go on over to the Herald and read his rantings about Manny hating kids with cancer!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm Sure Boston Dirt Dogs Will Remain Level-Headed About This

I haven't looked at Boston Dirt Dogs yet today (or any day for that matter), but I bet it looks something like this...

April 14, 2009 09:49 AM

Time To Panic

Worst Team In The AL East... Disgraceful
R.I.P. Red Sox 2009 Season - We Hardly Knew Ye

Hometown Loser Fraud Losers off to Worst Start Since '96
A's 8 - EmbarrasSox 2
Nice Catch, Jason Bay-thetic
Mike Blow-Hole Is Becoming A Whale Of A Problem
Jon "Casey Fossum" Lester Belongs In AAA... Or Traded
Terry FranComa Owes Fans An Apology For 2-5 Start
J.D. Drew Has Never Done Anything Right Ever
Nomar Is The Best SS We've Ever Had, Why Didn't Theo Go After Him?
Now We're Stuck With Nick Green - Thanks, Worst GM In Baseball
(Hispanic Player) Stinks, (Different Hispanic Player) Also Stinks
(White Player) Played OK

"I'm sure you guys are getting tired of me saying this, but I don't think I pitched as bad
as the line score says." -- 4.13.09, Jon "The Excuse Machine" Lester

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Holy Thursday Red Sox Live Blog!


Special Event: Holy Thursday Red Sox Live Blog


So ya'll as some of you know I work in a Catholic Institution (no not BC), and because today is some sort of God Holiday, I get out of work obnoxiously early. What might I do with my free time you might ask? How about sit in front of my computer! Because I love you the Hysterics more than life itself, I am going to liveblog the game today! So if you can't watch the game because you work for a secular business, trust your favorite Boston Sports Blog to give you the run down on todays game. Today the Sox play the Rays in the Rubber Game, with Dice K facing off against last years ALCS hero Matt Garza. Live Blog starts at 1!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Guess I Owe Someone An Apology


No, Sean Williams I don't owe you anything, in fact I should put up another 15 Towelie posts dedicated to your completely ineptitude at life. I would enjoy nothing more than to see you bagging my groceries at Hannafords in three years. After blasting his spelling, weight, academic prowess, judgement, intelligence and just about every other aspect of his character it appears I was wrong about BJ Raji. True your initials are the same as oral sex, and you have made many many stupid decisions while you were in college, but this was one of those times where you may have in fact been clean. After Sports Illustrated and the NFL Draft Bible basically threw you under a bus with baseless allegations, I (HZMLS) made a mistake, and I want to apologize to you. Because you are a large large man, who probably weighs 2-3 times what I do, who has thighs bigger than my waist, and contrary to popular belief I do enjoy living. So in conclusion Busari Raji Jr, I your anonymous faceless chicken shit of a football editor was wrong, and send you best wishes....mainly that you don't get drafted by the Cincinatti Bengals.

Hey, There Was a Baseball Game Yesterday!


One down, 161 to go. And honestly, yesterday's game was everything I want from this team this year. Like, I want yesterday to happen 161 more times. Excellent starting pitching, solid relief work, lineup hitting top to bottom (almost...I'm looking at you, Jacoby!), and of course, me in attendance.

I got to my seats during the anthem, and since I was in the bleachers, I didn't have a great view of Kennedy and Rice throwing out the first pitch, so I wheeled around and caught it on the big screen. After that, besides the weather, it was an awesome game. Pedroia going deep, Drew, Lowell, and Bay all raking, Varitek going deep. VARITEK GOING DEEP! It happened, I saw it! But the story of the game had to be Beckett. Talk about mid-season form - he handled a pretty tough Rays lineup with ease. He was clocking at around 93-94 for the entire game, and believe me, it was cold out there. Oki and Masterson combined for a minor hiccup, but Papelbon did what he does, and the Sox are now on pace to go 162-0. And speaking of on pace, let's have a look-see, shall we?

*Jason Varitek is on pace to hit 130 HR.

*The Red Sox pitching staff as a whole is on pace to finish with 2106 strikeouts.

*Carlos Pena is on pace to strike out 648 times.

*Hideki Okajima is on pace to give up 108 earned runs.

*Josh Beckett is on pace to finish the season with 300 more K's than CC Sabathia.

And hey, speaking of Sabathia, let's have a look at his full projected line.

Hey, awesome! Yankee fans must be thrilled!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Mass Hysteria's Super Spectacular Baseball Preview - AL East

Baseball season is almost upon us. As the weather (hopefully) gets warmer, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing all of MLB's divisions to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life over the next seven months. The format is eerily similar to what HZMLS did with our NFL Previews, so I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. This is Part 6 of 6: The AL East.

In case you missed it, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, & Part 5.

Baltimore Orioles

Why The Orioles Will Win The AL East

Offense is the name of the Orioles game. Roberts and Markakis are the sure bets, but don't be surprised if we finally see the emergence of Adam Jones (not Pacman) this year, as well as young catching stud Matt Weiters. Aubrey Huff can still rake a little too. They also may or may not have hung 5 runs on a certain obese oaf yesterday.

Why The Orioles Won't Win The AL East

Clearly pitching is a huge concern for the O's - mainly relief pitching. Have you seen this bullpen? Sherrill is a serviceable closer but after that... well, they're in a bit of trouble. Their starting pitching doesn't blow me away either. Unless "ability to dunk a basketball" counts for something, Mark Hendrickson is generally useless.

Boston Red Sox

Why The Red Sox Will Win The AL East

Pitching, pitching, and more pitching. Top to bottom, this might be the best pitching staff in baseball. They have three guys who could likely be aces on many other ML teams, and they have depth to beat the band. Beckett, Daisuke, Lester, Wakefield, Penny, Buchholz, Smoltz, Daniel Bard (/cums pants), Bowden... and that's just potential starters. If you're not excited yet, check the bullpen. Paps, Oki, MDC, RamRam, Masterson, Saito, Lopez... this staff is BUILT, with TONS of depth. I'm taking it over the Yankees' every day of the fuckin' week.

Why The Red Sox Won't Win The AL East

So the Sox may have a few offensive question marks. Well, more than a few. They resigned automatic out Jason Varitek, which I guess isn't really a question mark. He sucks and he's going to continue to suck. The question marks start to roll in when we talk about replacing the production of Manny for a full season. Also, the need for production from Ortiz, Lowell, Drew, Lugo and Ellsbury is evident, and all were lacking for some, if not most of last season. Plus, can Youk and Pedroia replicate their monster seasons from a year ago? Can Jason Bay be the big hitter the Sox need him to be? Only time will tell.

New York Yankees

It's with great pleasure that we at MH announce a guest poster for our Yankees preview. We figured what better way to get info on the 2009 Yankees than going behind enemy lines? So without further ado, I present Jay from the Yankee blog Fack Youk. Take it away:

Why The Yankees Will Win The AL East

  • CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett effectively replace Mike Mussina and (Darrell Rasner/Sindey Ponson/Ian Kennedy/Phil Hughes).
  • Jason Giambi has been supplanted by Mark Teixeira, a deserving Gold Glove defender and the definition of an all-around offensive player.
  • Joba Chamerlain has a chance to spend a full season as a starter and has the stuff to be extremely dominant.
  • Brett Gardner, Johnny Damon, and Xavier Nady are a much formidable defensive outfield than the one that got ran out last year, while only giving a little away on offense (Abreu > Nady).
  • Robinson Cano is almost sure to rebound this year.
  • The bullpen had a 3.73 ERA in '08 and it is basically the same cast of characters this time around, with some solid arms waiting in the minors (David Robertson, Mark Melancon, Alfredo Aceves, Steven Jackson)
  • Jorge Posada is back.

Why The Yankees Won't Win The AL East

  • Every pitcher in the rotation is a fairly significant injury risk. Sabathia (too many innings), Burnett (checkered past), Wang (coming off a Lisfranc sprain), Pettitte (getting older and had shoulder problems last year), Joba (injuries are what allowed the Yanks to draft him with the 41st pick and he hasn't proven that he can handle a full season as a starter)
  • A-Rod is missing at least a month and his injury has the potential nag him all season.
  • He of course has a knack for being a douchetastic fuckface and creating never ending media orgies. It might not hurt the team, but it's certainly not going to help.
  • When the Man in the Mirror comes back, his newly limited range might create one of the worst defensive left sides of the infield ever assembled.
  • Brett Gardner's line in 127 Major League ABs last year was (.228/.283./.299). Gross.
  • Cano's OBP was .305 in '08. That's not gonna cut it this year.
  • If Jorge Posada re-injures his shoulder or is just not healthy enough to catch, that would leave the Yanks with Jose Molina and Kevin Cash behind the dish. Yikes.

Tampa Bay Rays

Why The Rays Will Win The AL East

Young studs. Let's face it, this team is returning basically the same roster from a year ago, except add the power bat of Pat Burrell into the mix. Crawford, Longoria, Upton, Shields, Kazmir, Garza, Sonnanstine... these guys can play. And I know David Price is starting the season in AAA, but trust we haven't heard the last from him. This guy can straight up throw.

Why The Rays Won't Win The AL East

Because they're the Rays. Formerly the Devil Rays. The team that brought epic fail to a whole new level. Granted, these aren't your dad's Devil Rays - they're quite a bit better, but we've only seen one good season from them so far, and like 15 bad seasons. So let's not get carried away. For all we know, everyone had their career years last year.

Toronto Blue Jays

Why The Blue Jays Will Win The AL East

Roy Halladay is pretty good at baseball. One of the elite power pitchers in the game, the dude can do it all. Strikeouts, complete games, K/BB ratio, wins, the works. With him in your rotation, you're going to win ballgames. Mix in a healthy BJ Ryan to close games out, Vernon Wells and Alex Rios on offense, and Kevin Millar passing out shots of JD and you have reasons to be confident if you're a Jays fan.

Why The Blue Jays Won't Win The AL East

Yes, I know I could have said this for the Orioles too, but this division is just too damn tough and the Blue Jays don't have enough weapons to make it happen. I can't imagine being a fan of this team going into the season knowing you have virtually no chance of making the playoffs. With the emergence of the Rays, I don't know if that makes it that much worse, or if it gives you hope in the sense of "they can do it, why can't we?"

Smarty Barrett's pick to win the AL East: I really really really want to take the Sox this year, but the Rays just look too tough for me to pass on. They won it last year, everyone is still young but now a year more experienced, and they signed Pat Burrell to really help their DH production. I still like the Sox to take the Wild Card.

GHABB,Y's pick to win the AL East: I'm predicting a vicious cockfight between Tampa, the Sox and the Yankees for the East's top spot, but in the end, I'm going to have to sadly think the Yanks take the division. The starting pitching, which has always been the Yankees' main problem, has been shored up like whoa, and I'm thinking that Teixeria has an insane year. The return of A-Rod come May or June doesn't necessarily hurt either. I think the Sox are hampered by their lack of power bats and reliance on dwindling fogies (Tek, Lowell, Ortiz) while the Rays relief pitching I think will be shaky this year. It kills me to say it, but I'm thinking it's the Yankees division to lose.

What say you, readers?