Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why My Team Deserves To Make It: URI Rams

With selection Sunday just over a week away, there is much talk of teams on the proverbial "bubble." Coincidentally, three of those teams are Smarty Barrett's URI Rams, HZMLS' BC Eagles, and GHABBY's Florida Gators. With that, we're going to have each Hysteric tell you why their team deserves to make it into the NCAA Tournament. This is Part 1 of 3.

Why does my team deserve to make it? They didn't lose to Harvard.

The end.

OK, I guess I should say more.

The URI Rams aren't noticed very often, they're not big name, and they're not very popular. Maybe because they hail from a state that's not noticed very often, not big...yeah, you get it. Look, Rhode Island is not a sports state...not even close. I mean, when you're trying to pick the best sports star that went to college in RI, you're narrowed down to Lamar Odom, Lou Merloni or Shane McMahon. Quite simply, I'm just happy when Rhody gets a highlight on ESPN or a mention in a weekly column or something. There's really no "respect" angle or recognition factor I can run with here.

But what I can tell you is this: URI did not lose to Harvard. In fact, they haven't had one bad loss all season. Their worst loss came to a 16-14 team. I'll take that. Harvard is 13-13. Rhody also has a top-50 RPI, something BC and Florida do not have. Plus they've won six straight, 10 of their last 11, and have one of the best pure shooters in the country.

Yeah, I know, blah blah blah, let's really break it down, shall we? Although I did not actually go to URI myself, I know many who did and have attended my fair share of parties there and let me tell you this: Girls at URI do not fuck around. None of this "Oh I don't want to lose my virginity so put it in my ass!" bullshit. They're ready to throw down in any hole at any time. If you dig head on a dance floor, URI is your school. If you dig plowing a girl who immediately starts praying a rosary after her orgasm, then maybe BC is your team. Or if you're down with fucking a chick who then says "that was the best sex I've had since my brother," then Florida is your place.

And bottom line - URI is the underdog team. The sleeper. The cinderella team that makes the NCAA Tourney so fucking fun in the first place. People are so sick of Florida. They won it in 06 and 07 and EVERY casual fan hates seeing the same team over and over. They want new meat, fresh blood. And yeah, Billy Donovan was educated in RI so I can't hate him too much, but jeez man. How many seals had to die so your hair could get that way?

And then there's BC. As we have learned time and time again on MH, no one in Boston cares about BC. They beat North Carolina AND Duke. And no one cared. More fuss is being made in Boton over a shirtless pic of Tom Brady for chrissakes. NO ONE CARES! YOUR TEAM IS IRRELEVANT! It's a damn pro sports town, deal with it.

So there's my case for the Rhode Island Rams. If you like a good, exciting brand of basketball, crazy shots from the upper deck, and chicks on the pill, then put URI in the Tournament. Or if you're down with teams that no one cares about, teams that lose to Harvard, and coaches who look like Eddie Munster, then by all means, put BC and Florida into the Dance.

Just don't be surprised when no one notices.


GHABB,Y~! said...

You don't insult Billy D's finely coiffed hair and get away with it. You will pay.

HZMLS said...

Harvard, Harvard Harvard, yeah I get it.

When your marquee wins are someone better than currently unranked Temple or Dayton give me a call.

thosewhocan'tgotoPC said...

As a URI Alumnus I can attest to SmartyBarrett's assesment of the fine women who attend the school (at least when I was there). I remember attending a sorority bid dance with my then GF. Right in front of our table, on the dance floor (held at a local roller rink) a pledge bobbed away to bass line riding her unzipped date as he sat in a chair beneath her. The show came (no pun) to an unfortunate end when one of the date's fraternity brothers snuck up and pulled the chair out from beneath him, sending the copulating couple to the dance floor. This happened to be the year URI went up to the Conte Forum for a double OT 2nd round NIT victory over BC which I was also fortunate enough to see in person. So send URI to the dance where it belongs.