Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why My Team Deserves to Make It: Florida Gators

I'm not going to lie: I haven't watched a single dribble of college basketball this year. Having the NBA package and writing for NBA.com will do that to you, as has the fact that I now spend every night until 8:30 punching the crap out of things (and more recently, getting my nose broken) before I come, catch a few minutes of a gripping Clippers/Bobcats tilt, masturbate to illegal Czech prepubescent porn, and collapse into bed. But, for sheerly irrational and homeriffic purposes, my beloved Florida Gators clearly deserve to be in the NCAA Tournament over BC, URI, North Carolina, Duke and Western State from "Blue Chips," despite the presence of star freshman center Neon Badeaux at Western State.

Moreover, I'll sadly admit to not even being that big of a fan of Florida basketball, despite their successes over the past decade. For myself and most Florida fans, the men's basketball team over the past 10 years is the equivalent of that overachieving cousin you have that is currently earning his fifth doctorate at MIT and your aunt won't shut up about. I mean yeah, you're proud of the guy's accomplishments and all and it's great that he reflects so well on your family, but can the dude party? Fuck and no. Can Genius Cousin kick anyone's ass in a fight? Not a chance. Has Mr. MIT ever seen a three-dimensional breast? Chances are unlikely. While the Florida Football team is populated with the Tebows and Spikes of the world - men who dine on raw human carcasses for breakfast and routinely hear the bones of their opponents shatter into a fine dust - the Gator hoops team, while successful and all, wears fucking dresses around campus. Once again, glad they're successful and all, but let's just say that I was slightly more excited during the football national championships than during their basketball counterparts. And this is coming from a guy who lists basketball as his favorite sport.

How then, you may ask, given my lack of college basketball fandom over the past year, do I know that the Gators should be Tourney-bound? Well first of all, and most importantly, they deserve to be in Because They're the Motherfucking Florida Gators. When you don the Orange and Blue in any sport, you immediatley gain the magic ability to piss excellence and shit glory. You (and your top-ranked recruiting class) immediatley embark on a four-year odyssey of ass-kicking that is unmatched by any university ever, all time, all my life. And the men's basketball team is no different. Have your precious ass-Rams or Gamblin' Eagles won two national championshps this decade? Fuck and no. BC's greatest basketball accomplishment was led by a Ginger Balled Irishman with a BMI of 68, and URI's only NCAA blip came after they illegally let in a power forward who couldn't read. Meanwhile, Billy Donovan boasts two national championship rings, and a fantastic haircut. Who's more likely to draw attention in the tourney - the only school since 1992 to win back-to-back titles, or Al Skinner's frightening visage? Yeah, I thought so. And let's not get into which team "travels better," something which you KNOW the Selection committe takes into account.

But, Smarty and HZMLS asked me to bring "evidence" to this argument, so evidence I shall bring. Florida's RPI is 48, ahead of both BC and URI. Their scoring margin is +9.9 points/game, well ahead of either of their Northeastern counterparts. They're led by Nick Calathes, who is a potential lottery pick, and whose pro prospects are lightyears better than anyone on URI or BC. The Orange and Blue have achieved a 22-9 record (same as URI and one better than BC) with a team with only one Senior on the roster. Florida is arguably the second or third-best team in the SEC, a conference that, while down this year, is still rankedtwo conferences higher than the A-10 in the latest RPI, and should expect to see at least four teams in the tournament. The Gators signed last year's #3 recruting class and have, so far, the #2 recruiting class this year, players which the NCAA will want to showcase in March. They didn't lose to UMass or Harvard. Repeat: Florida did NOT lose to either UMass or Harvard. That alone should give them tourney entry.

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