Monday, March 9, 2009

Oh God, Not Him

It was a rough weekend for your Mass Hysteria editors. I had my nose broken and my eye blackened and cut during a few "harmless" sparring rounds at the boxing gym. HZMLS, burdened by the economic downturn, was forced to book his honeymoon in scenic downtown Detroit. APNDR found out that the Early Bird special at Denny's only goes until 6. Raquel watched her Bruins lose to the fucking Rangers. And Smarty...well...let's just say that he was not pleased by this score, and is now residing in a padded room for his own safety.

But nothing, and I mean NOTHING that happened this weekend was nearly as awful to us at Mass Hysteria and our collective cause as what happened in the South End over the course of this weekend.


Yes, the most insufferable writer not named Mariotti has decided to take leave of his Jersey swampland and move to Boston, a mere "26 minute walk from Fenway."

*takes deep breath*

*waits for vein in head to stop throbbing and blood pressure to drop*

*unclenches fists*

We founded this website to counteract some of the douchebaggery and fucktardedness that had been propagated by a loud minority of Boston fans that had sullied the name of this region. We saw the Shaughnessys, the Callahans, the "Tawmmy from Quinzee" stereotypes and said "No more. These people don't represent our views or intelligence in any conceivable way. We must attempt to show that the stereotypical Massachusetts resident isn't as provincial, unintelligent and downright obnoxious as we're made out to be."

Now the second worst bandwagon jumper in the city

Peter King moving here completely counteracts every aspect of that mission. This city already has one Shaughnessy, we don't need another loudmouthed asshole with a wide audience that is unwilling or unable to understand "facts" and "statistics," relying instead on his sizable "gut" feelings. Peter King is the fucking Joe Morgan of football. And now he lives in the 617 area code. Sweet Christ.

I don't understand King's motivations for living here either. There's like a 50:1 Dunks/Starbucks ratio. His ugly daughters live even farther away now, as does the smell of Favruh's musk. He moved from an expansive Jersey house into a South End apartment, which probably can't contain his fat fucking ass. There probably isn't a softball or field hockey league that would let him coach here, especially with all those restraining orders on his record.

Someone needs to burn a lowercase T on Peter King's lawn, signifying that it's "time to leave." This is worse than Hitler invading Poland. At least we don't live in 1939 Poland. Instead, we live in the same city as Peter King. Fuck.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

So Peter King is in town now. Huh. Good thing Brett Fahvrah is retired, because I don't need to hear about every time he takes a dump.

Meanwhile, over in Foxboro, now that Cassel has been traded, I'm sure that BB will go back to his usual thing of having one youngster QB in the wings, and bringing in some free agent to be the "real" backup, probably some established veteran backu....

a veteran bac....



HOLY CHRIST RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!! IT'S COMING TO BOSTON!!!! IT'S COMING TO BOSTON!!!!!! nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jay said...

Get ready for the excessive Tom Brady fellating.

Favre is gone and Peter needed a new crush/obsession. That was clearly the motivation behind the move, if you ask me.

The A-Train said...

We founded this website to counteract some of the douchebaggery and fucktardedness that had been propagated by a loud minority of Boston fans that had sullied the name of this region.

*slow, sarcastic clap*

Bang-up job so far guys! Really, top notch!

GHABB,Y~! said...

@ A-Train,
Well, we also set out to write a shitload of dick jokes, but I figured that didn't really fit into to the context.