Friday, March 6, 2009
at 11:30 AM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
This, fine readers, is a mockup of what the new Minnesota Vikings stadium may look like if a proposed casino bill passes, the proceeds of which would be spent on building this faaaabulous structure. I especially like the lavender exterior flanking the darker purple pleats of the seating area. The harsh green "playing field" doesn't exactly match, as earthtones are soooo last season. I however especially like the two long, hard, protruding light columns, standing fully erect and boldly thrusting their way into the eye, penetrating you with nary a whisper of foreplay. The entire structure reminds me of a night on Fire Island where I met a Filipino boy named Bruce and...
Seriously, is this not the gayest fucking thing you've ever seen? Looking aside from the fact that purple is roughly the least intimidating uniform color ever (slightly ahead of teal), the bulk of this stadium is motherfucking lavender. It looks like the bathroom of your crazy, 300-pound single aunt, who has ten bowls of potpurri in every room, framed pictures of her dead cat, and a tendency to spend her evenings with an entire carton of Cherry Garcia while looking for men in Christian chat rooms. John Facenda, famed voice of NFL Films, is turning over in his grave at the mere thought of this.
Brock Lesnar lives in Minnesota. Jesse Ventura was once their governor. John Madden was born there. Bob fucking Dylan is from there. Minnesotans are a tough, rugged, ass-kicking people often of Nordic descent, and the sheer possibility of a bunch of Olafs and Svens having to trudge into this lavender abomination after drinking a 30-rack would make the smoked salmon in their stomachs turn.
I can see only one advantage to this. The knowledge that the favorite team of a certain Boston-hating sports blogging quasi-celebrity plays in the stadial equivalent of a giant purple vagina...well, that would just tickle me pink. Or lavender.