Friday, March 6, 2009

The Gayest Stadium Ever (Maybe) Built


This, fine readers, is a mockup of what the new Minnesota Vikings stadium may look like if a proposed casino bill passes, the proceeds of which would be spent on building this faaaabulous structure. I especially like the lavender exterior flanking the darker purple pleats of the seating area. The harsh green "playing field" doesn't exactly match, as earthtones are soooo last season. I however especially like the two long, hard, protruding light columns, standing fully erect and boldly thrusting their way into the eye, penetrating you with nary a whisper of foreplay. The entire structure reminds me of a night on Fire Island where I met a Filipino boy named Bruce and...

Seriously, is this not the gayest fucking thing you've ever seen? Looking aside from the fact that purple is roughly the least intimidating uniform color ever (slightly ahead of teal), the bulk of this stadium is motherfucking lavender. It looks like the bathroom of your crazy, 300-pound single aunt, who has ten bowls of potpurri in every room, framed pictures of her dead cat, and a tendency to spend her evenings with an entire carton of Cherry Garcia while looking for men in Christian chat rooms. John Facenda, famed voice of NFL Films, is turning over in his grave at the mere thought of this.

Brock Lesnar lives in Minnesota. Jesse Ventura was once their governor. John Madden was born there. Bob fucking Dylan is from there. Minnesotans are a tough, rugged, ass-kicking people often of Nordic descent, and the sheer possibility of a bunch of Olafs and Svens having to trudge into this lavender abomination after drinking a 30-rack would make the smoked salmon in their stomachs turn.

I can see only one advantage to this. The knowledge that the favorite team of a certain Boston-hating sports blogging quasi-celebrity plays in the stadial equivalent of a giant purple vagina...well, that would just tickle me pink. Or lavender.

10 comments:

HZMLS said...

WAIT A FAWKIN SECOND DON'T WE ALL FAWKIN TALK LIKE THIS GUY?

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

FAHK YOU YOU FAHKIN ICEHOLE! I AM NOW GOING TO BE UNEDUCATED AND MASTURBATE TO PICHURS OF DRUE BLEDSOW AND TAWM BRAYDEE.

HZMLS said...

THOZ FAWKERS IN MINNESOTER HAVE NO FAWKIN CLUE HOW TO WIN. WE ARE THE BEST, TOMMEE IS LIKE EIGHTY THOUSAND TIMES BETTAH THAN TAVAHIS JACKSON

GHABB,Y~! said...

LAVINDAH IZ WHATCHOO GET WHEN YOU STAHT A DAHKIE FOAH QUATABACK

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

HEY MINNERSOTA! HOWZA BOUT YOU CALL UZ WHEN YOUZE GET OVAH HOW FRAN TAHKENTON SUKZ TAWM BRAYDEE'S ASSHOLE! OH FO FOAH!

I GOTTA GO NOW BECUZ I GOTTA GO CALL DAHK PEOPLE GORILLAZ ON THA BEST FUKKING RADIO STATION EVAH, WEEI.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

ALSO -- NOMAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! FUKKIN AYZ!!!!!! HE SHOULDA COME BACK SO HEZ COULD FUKK JETAH IN THA ASS LIKE HE UZED TO. YOU KNOW JETAH LIKEZ THAT FAGGIT SHIT!!!!

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I FEAH GAY PEOPLEZ BECUZ I CANNOT ACCEPT MY LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

And all my sterotypes of Massholes are proven 100% true. Visit New York. See what a real city looks like. And you can even stay in the bars after 2AM!!!! Idiots.

Anonymous said...

Bars open late is definately a plus, but let us not forgot the ability to purchase beer AND sandwiches 24 hrs a day at the corner deli. If that ain't living, I don't know what is.

- "Son of BZ Money"

Boatdrinks said...

Sigh. Humor and Mr. Anonymous don't go hand n hand.