Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Good morning folks, it's your old friend HZMLS here to take you back to the good ole days of Mass Hysteria. You know the times when we actually posted. The times when we could make jokes about sexually transmitted diseases, funbags and take pot shots at Derek Jeter's sexuality. This morning's breakfast should help you imagine the fun times we have had here in the past (wipes away tears), booze. Yes, let's talk about drinking. After Lord Damien shifted the format of Facebook and added all sorts of Gizmos and Gadgets that were meant to confound and confuse their readers his lordship added the "Top 5" application. Basically the Top 5 allows you to pick your top 5 of anything you can think of; Worst Movie of All Time, Books, Assassinated Presidents, and Beer. This was a tough one, because at the age of 27 I have drank enough beer to shrivel my liver to resemble that of Frank Sinatras.

My Top Five Beers

1. Pumpkinhead- This is the beer of all beers, I literally get giddy when this is available on tap because it is so fucking delicious. Just imagine a pumpkin pie in beer format, and icy cold, and you have pumpkinhead. The only negative to the PH is that it's only available from like August to October, and even then it's hard to find. But my god Pumpkinhead, you complete me.

2. Sam Adams Winter Lager- More of a mans beer than Pumpkinhead (which I'm sure will invite the wrath of Raquel), Sam Adams is just what you need to make it through a tough winter snow storm, or frigid weather. Its bold, its tough, and its dark, kind of like the Jerrod Mayo's of beers.

3. Seadog Bluepaw- The first time I went out for drinks with the Hysterics, after the Will Leitch book signing we went to Boston Beer Works and I got a Blueberry Beer. Needless to say ShitShow, GHABBY, Raquel and Pimp were relentless in their mocking of my style of drinking. Raquel at one point asked me if I needed an umbrella in my beer, GHABBY asked me if I wore panties, and ShitShow mocked my direction in life right before he placed 1000 on the next college bball game. I know the name of this beer should place this along the lists of anyone who writes for Outsports. But look I love blueberry beer, and I don't care if it looks like it has rabbit shit floating in it.

4. Miller Lite- For every serious drinker there has to be a cheap fall back beer for those times when a) you want to drink alot and b) you don't have alot of money to spend. For me that is Miller Lite, I know a beer most of you probably can't stand. But me and Miller Lite have a long history, most of them involving the Red Sox. If you've been to the Fens you know that their beer selection in most parts blows. You can occasionally find Sam Adams, or a Guinness but they are either hard to find, or 9 bucks a pop. Miller Lite on the other hand goes great with Fenway Franks, and for me at least, nothing beats sweltering in the Fenway sun, then a cold ML.

5. Blue Moon- Ok another light beer, but this one is particularly good because they mix Orange-with beer. I can already read the comments "HZMLS jesus christ, you like girly beers" but Blue Moon is the shit. Plus if I can throw my other editors under the bus, Smarty can't drink normal beer, and GHABBY can only drink Michelob Ultra because of his diabetus. And Raquel is a whiskey girl.

Note I did not place Yuengling on my list because I dont live in the three states in the entire US that it's available.

So what have you my Hysterics, What are Your Top 5 Beers?


SmartyBarrett said...

Kennedy, Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and the Final Four logo.

Rocco said...

Seriously? WTF HZMLS. Blueberry? Pumpkin pie? You are a guy, right? Jesus christ did you get beat up by girls in high school too? Fuck. Yes, I already did this on facebook (I'd even add you, HZMLS). "I got a list here's the order of my list that it's in":

1. Yuengling (went to school in PA, live in NY. 2 of the 3 states!)
2. Magic Hat #9
3. Rolling Rock (case of splits please)
4. Corona Extra (gotta have a summer beer)
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon

Now, I consider myself well versed in the pilsner, larger, and ale universe, and have a long list of beers sampled and that I drink on a regular basis. Time and place people. Beer pong? Give me some Natty Light. Dinner? Hmm, pour me an Odd Notion. Just got off the ice? Genny Light.

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

HZMLS jesus christ, you like girly beers

1) Dogfishhead 90 or 120 minute IPAs? Anything with a super-high gravity that still tastes good instead of tasting like someone spilled some cheap vodka in your beer.
2) Wolaver's Oatmeal Stout (college favorite) or IPA (current favorite)
3) Harpoon IPA (standard at many bars) or Red Ales.
4) Non-girly beers at brew pubs (beer works, etc)
5) Anything in a growler

And I'll pretty much try anything on draft that I've never had before.

Cheap beer choice: Coors light, but really whatever's cheapest.

HZMLS said...

Would it make you both feel better if I told you that I usually don't drink much beer on the weekend and usually stick with Jack Daniels and Scotch?

Gweemus said...

OK, I did that FB app on 5 favorite beers, too.

1) Mad River Steelhead Double IPA

2) Dogfish Head 90 minute (the 120 is really not at all what I like...way too sweet imo)

3) Mad River Steelhead Extra Stout

4) Cambridge Brewing Co. River Porter

and for a little british variety, on tap:

5) Old Speckled Hen, because a great tasting ale named after a vintage MG car is pretty excellent.

On the other hand, this past weekend I got a Magic Hat Spring Sampler, and have to say the hI.P.A is really really good, and might make my top 5.

Shaun said...

I don't drink beer.

ballamiguel said...

To answer Rocco's question...yes. HZMLS DID get beaten up by girls in high school. He knows as well as I do that there were some large girls in his class. Larger than him, anyway.

While I wouldn't turn down any of the aforementioned "girly" beers, here are my Top 5:

2.Coors Light (my cheap beer of choice)
3.Sam Summer (mind you it's sweet, but not fruited)
4.Sierra Nevada
5.Blue Moon (garnish not necessary)

The A-Train said...

Big Daddy Drew said it best:

Some people are beer snobs. I, on the other hand, am a beer whore. I’ll drink any beer, even if it’s not my own. If you put your beer down, I will drink it. I don’t care if you put three cigarette butts in it. Three days ago. It still tastes good to me, even if it doesn’t taste good at all. I don’t care if it’s regular old Budweiser. I don’t care if it’s one of those douchebaggy fruit porters brewed by some cafĂ©-owning asshole in Oregon. I will drink any beer. Hell, I even drink hard cider, which is the gay man’s beer. I don’t care. If it’s brown and carbonated, I am ingesting it quickly. Beer has no hope around me. I’d take it in from both ends if it were physically feasible.

*wipes away tear*

It's just so true. So rather than list my top five beers, I'll just pull a list of crap I've had over the past week:

-Miller High Life
-Labatt Blue Light
-Crown Royal
-Southern Comfort
-coke (hey, I felt the need to sober up for some reason)

Rocco said...

A-Train, well done. Great BDD quote, and a nice list.

Jesus, you NE fuckers sure are beer snobs. Just kidding, I'm sure they're all delightfully tasty and expensive beers.

Hmm, good idea A-Train, let's see...Coors Light, MGD64, Miller Lite, Rumpleminz, Genny Light, Rolling Rock, Keystone Light, Magic Hat Circus Boy, ...I think I may have a problem kids.

GHABB,Y~! said...

1) Strongbow
2) Woodchuck Granny Smith Cider
3) Magner's
4) Bacardi 151 (straight out of the bottle)
5) Insulin