Friday, February 6, 2009

Your Guide to Successfully Avoid the Pro Bowl


The actual event that is the Pro Bowl is an epic waste of time. Seriously, I think in my twenty eight years of existence I have watched probably two series of downs. This is football in its most neutered form, because basically you are taking one half of the game. There is NO defense, no one hits, sacks a QB or makes any semblance of effort to tackle anyone. In other words its like Soccer, but with your hands. If you happen to be one of the few people in the world that actually watches the Pro Bowl, first let me send my condolences, lacking a life must be painful and depressing. Secondly, I am here to help you with a list of options of things that you can do that are FAR more entertaining than the Pro Bowl:

1. Watch Division III Basketball- How can you miss the 6'2 Center from Stonehill College? He was a beast last year in their game against Mass Maritime. Ever want to watch a game, with no dunking, bravado, or players you have ever heard of?

2. Clean Your Refrigerator- Seriously, over the past 6 months of football some seriesly disgusting shit has probably accumulated. I cleaned mine out a few weeks ago and found a rotting something, that probably was at one point a tomato, some sort of sticky red liquid all over the shelf, and milk that expired some time over the summer. Its like a treasure hunt!

3. Go to Blockbuster and rent an entire TV series. Look if you really want to plop yourself on your couch (and who doesn't), why not be entertained? My suggestions? Madmen, Dexter, or The Wire. I have spent many a weekend, wasting away with box sets, you would be surprised how fast time can fly when you watch 18 episodes of Rescue Me.

4. Go into your CD wallet or collection and listen to all the albums you once bought but have never listened to since. Do you remember what the Candlebox album sounds like? Or what the third track is on that Silverchair album? I certainly dont. Maybe its time to find out why you dished out 10 dollars on those albums. (alternative activity is to play skeet shooting with the CD's after listening).


5. Read the Ol Dirty Bastard Biography "Searching for Dirt". This book is AWESOME. I just picked this book up last night and I swear to god the first sentence of the book is

Interviewer: "Dirty what is your plans for 1998?"
ODB: "I want to put babies in as many girls as possible"

6. Really go out and explore your city. Sure you know where all the tourists, and college kids go, but do you know where the prostitutes work? Where can a businessman find some primo coke? There are so many nooks and cranies

7. Watch Golf

8. Learn the roster of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals. Probably between the two teams I could name about 10 players right now, which leaves a whopping 40 or so that I've never heard of. Never heard of Virgil Vazquez, Romulo Sanchez or Carlos Rosa? Now is the time to get on that mother fucker.

So there you have it, eight different options that do not involve lei's, and Mike Tomlin in a Hawaii shirt. Let's be realistic here football is dead until the draft, and even then its a little overkill. Well have a great weekend folks.

4 comments:

SmartyBarrett said...

Candlebox is the shit.

The A-Train said...

Indeed, Candlebox is the shit.

Also, Mike Tomlin won't be coaching. that honor goes to the loser of the conference title game.

Wait, Andy Reid gets to coach the Pro Bowl AGAIN? Wow, bet he's thrilled to be back there!

Anonymous said...

if the candle box could be put to all the beans baked in Boston,sufficient heat could be produced to serve Doctor Pepper piping HOT.Do not seat yourselves under the plum tree and not duly note the AUTHOR. NAM DE PLUM The Lord Lloyd Landrew Of Linden,DADDY BIG BOY,HAMURANT HADERS,and The Jazzy Japanese Beatle,,adressing your assembled multitude from THE BIG FAT CITY,,,With The Big Fat County Seat.

HZMLS said...

I want whatever drugs you are selling.