Friday, February 27, 2009

Throwing Softballs at Stephon Marbury

For those living under a rock for the past week or so, it seems that Stephon Marbury will sign with the Celtics today, and could even appear in tonight's game against the Pacers. Realistically, this signing will actually have minimal impact on the Celtics, as Marbury will probably take a few weeks to shake the rust off, and then max out as a 10-15 minute per game backup guard, acting as a less-drunk Gabe Pruitt. Seriously people, that's all he's fucking going to do. So to talk for MONTHS on end about the massive impact that "Starbury" will have on the C's is completely and utterly asinine.

But speaking of asinine, I was particularly enraged by a Q&A session with Marbury in today's Globe. Here was the Globe, granted an exclusive interview with the most hyped Celtics newcomer since KG, and a player with a past more checkered than Andy Dick's. Here's the Globe's opportunity to ask the hard-hitting questions to Marbury, to try to find out what has made this man tick over his star-crossed career, and how his "clubhouse cancer" attitude will fit on the Ubuntu C's. A journalistic coup, no? An opportunity to really cut to the core of one of sports' most enigmantic figures, right?

Umm...not so much. Here are acutal questions that the Globe asked Marbury in their "exclusive" Q&A:

"How excited are you about coming to the Celtics?"

"How does it feel to go to a team that is pretty much drama-free?"

"If this chapter ends with a championship, have you thought about how emotional you would be?"

"What will it be like to wear the Celtics uniform?"

and the kicker - "How big is your smile?"

I'm not kidding. They seriously asked HOW BIG IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SMILE. Retarded sixth-graders reporting on lunch menus for their middle school newspaper have asked harder-hitting questions than "How big is your smile." If I held a microphone up to the giant shit I took this morning, I would learn more than would be discerned from the question "How big is your smile?" Jesus fucking christ Marc Spears, you not only dropped the ball here, you fucking let the ball hit you directly in the chest, causing instant vomiting and cardiac arrest before slipping on your own urine and falling head-first on the ball, shattering your spine.

So, of course dear readers, you say "oh GHABBY, with your fake name and lacking pancreas, what would you have asked Marbury? What makes you so smart?" Here, then, is just a smattering of the questions I would ask the newest Celtic, should I be given the opportunity to do so:

"Every team that you've ever been traded to has become exponentially worse, while every team you leave improves by leaps and bounds the year after you're gone. Do you care to explain this phenomoenon?"

"Your playoff field goal percentage is less than 37%, and you shoot 28% from three in the postseason. Moreover, you've lost all four of the playoff series you've been in. Shouldn't Boston, as a team with serious Championship aspirations, be concerned about this?"

"The number 3 (Dennis Johnson) is retired for the Celtics, yet you sport a #3 tattoo on your head. How stupid will this look when you're forced to wear another number? Won't it affect the sales of your $12 sneakers and 99 cent t-shirts at Steve & Barry's (a store that lasted all of four months at the Poverty Tree Mall by the way)?"

"Also, what the fuck prompted you to get a tattoo on your fucking head? Didn't Tyson teach you anything? This evidence alone would allow you to plead insanity for any crime in the land."

"What, exactly, was the information you reportedly "had" on Isiah Thomas when you threatened to blackmail him after he took you out of the starting lineup? I mean really, what could possibly be worse about Isiah than what we already know?"

"When you fucked that intern in your limo, did you leave splooge marks on the interior or the windows? What sexual positions are possible inside a limousine? Do you often invite white college girls back to your home, and if so, is your wife cool with that?"

"When you defended Michael Vick for his dogfighting ring, was it more a defense of dogfighting as a whole, Vick as a person, or a thinly veiled remark that reveals that you love to bet on animals fighting? If this is so, do you attend cockfights regularly, and if so, can you show me where the nearest cockfighting ring is? I hear that shit is awesome."

"When the motherfucking KNICKS don't allow you to show up to games or practices, isn't that a little like being rejected from community college or being told you're too ugly for"

"Since you're cousins with Sebastian Telfair and all, is it fair to say that "wasted talent" is part of your family's genetic makeup? Like is there a dominant chromosome in the family line that causes you to athletically peak at the age of 16 and spend the rest of your days squandering your talents and setting back the African-American movement worse than Flavor Flav? Is this condition covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act?"

"Seriously, a head tattoo? Really? Like on purpose?"

And finally...

"Did you know that, if you dare happen to fuck up this Celtics team like you've fucked up every other team you've been on, Kevin Garnett will literally cut out your organs with a rusty paring knife? I mean seriously, there's a strong possibility that, should you act in ANY way like you have over the last 13 years, you will die in a brutal, bloody, horrific manner? Does this frighten you in any way?"


Pepster said...

Or - "How does it feel to be a significant contributor to America's biggest sporting embarassment while Larry Brown let more talented youngsters Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade languish on the bench in '04?

Shaun said...

This (the questions you'd ask him) was one of the greatest posts I've ever read on here.

HZMLS said...

Having sat on the Knicks bench for the past four months, is it safe to say that you have not shot a basketball in that time? Should we be concerned about this?

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

"If I wear your sneakers, will I suddenly be able to shoot 25% from the floor and yet still complain about how people are too stupid to recognize how talented I am?"

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