Friday, February 6, 2009

This Week's College Hoops Scoop



Welcome back to the Hoops Scoop, where this week was particularly crazy in the world of college basketball. The #1 team actually didn't lose, plus there were upsets, coaches going crazy, and general mayhem which will all be touched upon in this edition. And, of course, college life. Whether you lived in a hall, a suite, a townhouse, or an apartment, you'll appreciate this week's theme: crazy neighbors. This theme kind of fell into my lap because, as you all may or may not know, HZMLS and I are roommates (until he ties the knot this summer). Last week we heard some people moving in to the apartment next to us, and Jee-Em Christ-ler, they have some loud-ass annoying little pricks for children. One is a youngster, sounds about 5-ish, who just screams "MOMMY!" over and over, and the other is a baby who simply doesn't stop crying. It's only a matter of time before we get really drunk and start pounding on the walls. Or have a really loud party, and when they come over, we calmly tell them to go fornicate themselves with an iron stick. Now onto the stories of neighbors in college.



The Guy Across The Hall Who Was Really Quiet And Nice, Then One Day He Just Lost It And Flipped Out
It's always nice to have a quiet neighbor who just keeps to himself. You exchange a nod every now and then, he holds the door for you when you're rushing into the building, but you don't really know much about the dude. Then one night at 2 AM you're woken up by screaming. You stumble over to the peephole and see the dude drunk and going nuts. Maybe he's on the phone with his girlfriend. Maybe he's yelling at his roommate. Or maybe he's just straight flipping out, yelling about the government or a class or the satellites that are clearly spying on him. Whatever it is, it's clearly out of the ordinary and you find it a bit scary, yet quite hilarious. Very similar to what happened to Florida Atlantic's coach Mike Jarvis this week. This story flew under the radar a bit, so fasten your seatbelts. If a guy gets one technical foul, it's maybe a lapse in self control. Two technicals? Now you're in tantrum country, and two gets you tossed. Three technicals? Whoa boy, that is rare, and it requires a full-blown meltdown. Well Mike Jarvis got one technical. Then he got a second...then a third. Then...he got a fourth. Now for someone to get four technicals, well...they have to be certifiably insane. But it happened last week in an FAU game against Louisiana-Monroe (and who missed that one?). With about 2 minutes left in the first half, Jarvis began arguing an out-of-bounds call that went against FAU and got called for a technical. He continued arguing, made contact with an official, and got T'd up three more times. Plus, he had to be escorted off the court by police. Now that's a flip-out!



The Guy Who Woke Up Early To Clean Up Your Common Area After Parties
If you lived in a townhouse or a suite with a bunch of dudes, you KNOW that shit could get messy really quick, especially after your house or your floor had a crazy party. Right before you blacked out at the party, you surveyed the scene: couches overturned, window screens smashed, microwaves puked in. The floor was littered with beer bottles and condom wrappers and even a co-ed or two. "Fuck," you muttered to yourself. "This is going to be a bitch to clean tomorrow." Then when you woke up at about noon the next day, you stumbled out there to find it was almost completely cleaned up already. One dude from three rooms down woke up at about 8, came in there with the broom and the Mr. Clean and the noseplugs and just went right to it. How awesome was that? The Connecticut Huskies were equally impressive this week. After waxing Providence and rising to the top spot in the country, they were immediately tested by Louisville. I watched most of that game and wow. Let me tell you, this team looks like the team to beat right now. I could hardly find a weakness. They're cleaning up the Big East like a common room.



The Guy Who Hogged The Laundry Room, Wouldn't Hold The Door For You, And Made Tons Of Noise When You Were Trying To Study
I don't even have to describe this guy, because everyone knows who he is. And you know what was worse than a dude that hogged the laundry room? You know the type, decides to separate ALL his shit out and take up all the machines, lurking over them and making sure he dove in to snatch every available one as soon as it ran out. Well even worse was the dude that would take all your shit OUT of the machine and throw it on the floor somewhere. Either it was soaking wet and he snatched a dryer from you so all your clothes sat there in a damp ball, or it was dry, clean, and ready to go, then he tosses it on the dusty, sandy, dirty floor. Fuck this guy. Now the obvious choice of suck-tastic-ness this week is Wake Forest, who fell off so hard it made people like me who had them as a Final Four lock eat our words. But instead, I'm going to go with GHABBY's Florida Gators. What am I thinking, right? They're 19-4, in second place in the SEC, and the four teams they lost to are four pretty good clubs. So why? Cuz fuck 'em, that's why. I picked this team to be a top 20 type team this year and so far they've made no noise. The SEC in general is way down this year, and they should be smoking this weak conference. Instead, they're getting KILLED by Tennessee, who ALSO sucks. The Gators were down 39-22 at the half in that game! Get ranked, then we'll talk. Time to knock the Gators fans off their pedestal a bit. Ever since the National Championship they need it. Also, for those who remember their transitive property in math, Tennessee beat Florida, Temple beat Tennessee, and URI beat Temple. Just sayin'.



The Guy Who Caught You Pulling A Prank At 3:00 AM, But Instead Of Ratting On You, He Joined In the Fun
This one here comes from a ton of personal experience. Me and my buddies used to LOVE pulling pranks on any members of our dorm who particularly got on our nerves. Hell, even if they didn't; we were just plain assholes. Rigging up shit outside their door, messing with their car, and if they had a different bathroom than use we had some fun with that too. Now this usually involved setting your alarm, waking up in the middle of the night, and meeting up at an undisclosed location. You had to be very careful not to get caught. But sometimes, you did. Maybe it was some dude stumbling home drunk. Or walking back from banging his girlfriend across campus. As soon as you see him you assume the jig is up. He's friends with the dude you're pranking, you KNOW he's going to rat you out. But surprisingly, he thinks it's hilarious and starts to help out. Awesome! The Clemson Tigers were equally awesome this week. They completely manhandled Duke by almost 30 and now sit at 19-2, with their only losses coming to Wake and Carolina. With the way they're playing right now, and the way Duke and Wake are playing, Clemson might just be the best team in the ACC. Oh, except for BC...of course...

1 comment:

stanley cup of chowder said...

You forgot the kid that thought it was funny to piss in the dryers and the sloptart that bangs everyone on your floor...except you.