Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Thank GOD There's No More NBA Territorial Rule

The Depressed Fan painstakingly put together a roster of NBA teams if there were no draft, and teams could only select players from their local territory. This actually took place to an extent back in the day (it's how we got Bob Cousy), but has fallen by the wayside in these days of free agency and the international draft. And, after looking at the prospective Boston squad, I can only say THANK GOD, as we would probably have the worst team in the league. Here's the Boston squad:

PG Will Solomon (East Hartford, CT)/Will Blalock (Boston, MA)
SG Demetris Nichols (Easton, MA)
SF Matt Bonner (Concord, NH)
PF Courtney Sims (Dedham, MA)
C Marcus Camby (Hartford, CT)

Ho. Lee. Shit. Does that team ever suck. Do you realize that their top scorer might be...Matt Bonner? I write for for chrissakes I don't even know who Demetris Nichols is. Camby's obviously decent, but he's offensively useless and has never been able to carry a team that he wasn't paid by an agent for.
Now let's compare to some other teams:

Local Charlotte Bobcats:
PG Chris Paul (Clemmons, NC)
SG Ray Allen (Dalzell, SC)
SF Josh Howard (Winston-Salem, NC)
PF Antawn Jamison (Charlotte, NC)/David West (Garner, NC)
C Kevin Garnett (Mauldin, SC)

I would send this squad as our Olympic team and we'd be guaranteed the gold medal. Holy shit is this team sick. David West off the fucking bench? Jesus Christ.

Now let's look at the "Bulls:"
PG Derrick Rose (Chicago, IL)
SG Dwyane Wade (Oak Lawn, IL)
SF Andre Iguodala (Springfield, IL)/Wilson Chandler (Benton Harbor, MI)
PF Corey Maggette (Oak Park, IL)
C Eddy Curry (South Holland, IL)

Curry obviously sucks, but wow would that team be exciting. Rose, Wade and Iguodala?

Orlando Magic:
PG Damien Wilkins (Orlando, FL)
SG Vince Carter (Daytona Beach, FL)
SF Tracy McGrady (Auburndale, FL)/Luc Richard Mbah a Moute (Montverde, FL)
PF Marreese Speights (St. Petersburg, FL)
C Amare Stoudemire (Orlando, FL)

Some great slashers in VC and T-Mac, and the ultimate down-low force in Amare. Speights is also an underrated player coming into his own.

And finally, the single most combustible, "who in hell would ever pass the ball" team, the Hometown Washington Wizards:
PG Allen Iverson (Hampton, VA)
SG Jeff Green (Hyattsville, MD)
SF Carmelo Anthony (Towson, MD)
PF Kevin Durant (Rockville, MD)/Michael Beasley (Prince George's County, MD)
C Rudy Gay (Severn, MD)

Wow. Just wow.

I'm not sure what point this proves. I can understand Massachusetts producing shitty football players, because, well, you can only play football for a few months of the year around here. Same goes with baseball, though our baseball crop (when they're not overdosing on Oxycontin) is actually better than most states. Our boxers and fighters are top-notch. Really? I mean, it's so fucking cold here all the time that you'd think our kids would be more apt to hone their games year-round in gyms. Is the quality of high school play in this state really that poor? There's no good reason why Massachusetts (and New England) basketball sucks, except for the fact that it does, immensely. Patrick Ewing was the best HS player to come from here, and he was from Jamaica. Past that, who have we produced? Dana Barros? Travis Best? Nik Caner-Medley?

Look, I played AAU hoops in this area, and I can say, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that our players have the talent to compete with some of the best in the country. Jermaine Watson was on my AAU squad, and that dude was un-fucking-stoppable from age 13 on until he started jumping out windows. Michael Bradley was a first-round pick. Rebecca Lobo won the WNBA championship AND the Kentucky Derby. With all of that said, why the overall basketball suckitude in this state? I'm truly befuddled, but all I know is that any team with Matt Bonner as their best scorer doesn't serve a fucking chance.


SmartyBarrett said...

Wow that team is bad. How close was Orion Outerbridge to making that list?

HZMLS said...

Too bad Scoonie Penn is playing in Uzbekistan

Pepster said...

That DC team - Carmelo from Towson, Kevin Durant from Rockville, Michael Beasley from PG County and Rudy Gay from Severn - just WOW! How many championships did the Terrapins win while all those guys were storming through College Park?

That is why Gary Williams should be fired.

I didn't mean to turn your NBA column into a college comment, but when segregated into regions, it just became that much more noticeable.

Murph said...

No worries. I'm from Easton and I've never heard of Demetris Nichols until now.

ballamiguel said...

You play Wildcat AAU GHABBY? Yeah Watson was NASTY. I also had the pleasure of seeing Watson dismantle Fairfield U. in the NIT in their own gym while playing for BC.

ZacharyWMartin said...

Funniest picture of all time

GHABB,Y~! said...

I played Wildcat for a few years and North Shore Knights for the rest of the time. So I had the pleasure of cleaning up offensive rebounds for both Watson and Kevin Bettencourt while never receiving a single post pass.

award golf said...

If that was the case, I'm not sure if I'll even waste my time watching basketball.