Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Be Darryl. Dis Am My Book.

Let's face it, if you're a fan of human failure (check) and baseball (double check), it's been an AWESOME few days. First, there was the revelation that Texas Traitor Roger Clemens would regularly have a trainer coat his balls in "the hottest liniment possible" and then "start snorting like a bull" before he was ready to pitch. So not only was Roger a sellout, traitor and roid monkey, but he also had other men play with his balls every fifth day. Awesome!

Next, Joe Torre decided to burn, dynamite and C-4 his Yankee bridge by writing a tell-all about his days in New York. The book revealed, among other things, that both Father and Son Steinbrenner were douchebags of the highest order, and essentially forced him out of a job in which he won four World Series. Oh, and that he called A-Rod, "A-Fraud" behind his back. Awesome!

Then, of course, was the whole A-Rod fiasco. Not only was he revealed to be a steroid user from 2001-2003, but there is also the whole fact that he a) now is Hulk Hogan orange in skin hue and b) thinks that reporters are stalking him. Oh, and he's also the guy who likes tranny strippers, bangs Skeleto..uh, Madonna and has a "Single White Female" complex with Derek Jeter, according to Joe Torre. Awesome!

Next, there was Miguel Tejada. Tejada, the 2002 AL MVP, had already been mentioned in last year's Mitchell Report, which mysteriously came out the day after he was traded to Houston. Since then, it's been confirmed that he lied about his age, he's absolutely sucked at the plate and been revealed as a steroid-created hitter, and just this week, was officially charged with lying to Congress regarding his testimony that he didn't use steroids. Awesome!

Then there was the Roberto Alomar AIDS thing. We've discussed this already, but suffice it to say, it's pretty friggin AWESOME!

So what, dear readers, could possibly top this piled-up ice cream sundae of awesomeness? Oh, how about Darryl Strawberry writing a fucking book! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and instead of delivering presents this year, he'll be reading about how Mets players used to receive blowjobs mid-game, or how the team used beer "to take the edge off the speed and coke" they were taking. Or that on the road, the practice was to "pick up two or three" women to bring back to your hotel room. Those of you lucky enough to have read Jeff Pearlman's "The Bad Guys Won" know of some of Strawberry's exploits, both with women and Bolivian Marching Powder. I'd try to summarize Strawberry's off-field exploits, but I'll let the irrefutable sources at Wikipedia do the job for me:


  • On January 29, 1987, Strawberry's wife, Lisa Watkins, filed for a legal separation from him in a Los Angeles court. She also accused him of breaking her nose after a game the previous October. On May 18, 1989, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles. On October 30, 1993, they divorced. The couple had two children together, Diamond and D. J. Strawberry.
  • On April 7, 1989, Strawberry was sued in Clayton, Missouri by Lisa Clayton (not to be confused with his wife, Lisa Watkins) claiming that he is the father of Clayton's son. On January 10, 1990, blood tests proved that Strawberry was indeed the boy's father.


  • On January 12, 1990, two days after blood tests proved he fathered another woman's child, Strawberry was arrested in Los Angeles for allegedly slapping his wife, Lisa, and threatening her with a pistol. On March 9, attorneys announced that no charges would be filed.
  • On February 3, 1990, shortly after being arrested for hitting and threatening his wife, Strawberry checked into alcoholic rehab.
  • On September 17, 1993, Strawberry was arrested for hitting his girlfriend, Charisse Simon, who was three-months pregnant at the time. Reportedly, witnesses said she had been hitting him with a bat near where he earlier had surgery. She later refused to press charges and, on December 20, they were married. They now have three children Jordan, Jade, and Jewel Strawberry.
  • On April 5, 1994, Strawberry failed to show up for an exhibition baseball game with the California Angels and was not found until that night. The next day, the Dodgers announced that he had a substance abuse problem. Four days later, Strawberry began five weeks of rehabilitation in the Betty Ford Center.
  • On December 20, 1994, Strawberry and his agent were indicted for failing to report more than $300,000 of income from autograph and memorabilia shows. On April 29, 1995, Strawberry was ordered to repay $450,000 in back taxes and sentenced to six months of home confinement.
  • On February 13, 1995, Strawberry was suspended for 75 days by Major League Baseball after testing positive for cocaine. He was released by the San Francisco Giants on the same day.
  • On December 19, 1995, Strawberry was charged in California with failing to make child support payments. When he missed a June 5, 1996, deadline to pay the child support, a Los Angeles judge set a trial date of July 17, at which time Strawberry agreed to use his signing bonus to pay the debt.
  • On August 25, 1998, Strawberry was sued by attorney Robert Shapiro for unpaid legal fees related to baseball contract negotiations in 1994. The two resolved the dispute on March 17, 1999.
  • On October 1, 1998, Strawberry was diagnosed with colon cancer. Two days later, he had surgery to remove a tumor and 24 inches of his colon. On October 14, doctors announced that cancer had been detected in a lymph node so he would also have to undergo chemotherapy.
  • On April 3, 1999, Strawberry was arrested in Tampa, Florida for soliciting sex from a police woman posing as a prostitute and for having a small amount of cocaine. On April 24, he was suspended for 140 days by Major League Baseball for the incident. On May 29, he pleaded no contest to the charges and was sentenced to 21 months probation and community service.


  • On January 2, 2000, Strawberry tested positive for cocaine. On March 15, shortly after the test result was announced, Major League Baseball announced that he would be suspended for one year. Six days later, he was in rehab.
  • On July 28, 2000, a C.T. scan suggested that Strawberry's cancer had spread to his lymph nodes. The next month, he had surgery to remove a tumor and a kidney on August 7.
  • On September 11, 2000, in Tampa, Strawberry tried to drive to see his probation officer after taking painkillers. While driving, he blacked out, rear-ended another car, and then tried to drive away. An off-duty police officer witnessed the episode and arrested him at gunpoint. The next day, Strawberry admitted to the charges and his probation was changed to two years of house arrest. On November 21, he was sentenced to a year of probation and community service.
  • On October 25, 2000, Strawberry left a Tampa drug treatment center to use drugs with a female friend violating his house arrest and parole. On November 9, he was sentenced to 40 days in jail with credit for time served.
  • On November 3, 2000, Strawberry told a judge in Tampa that he had lost his will to live and had stopped chemotherapy. On November 30, he was released from jail and sent back to rehab.
  • On April 2, 2001, Strawberry was arrested for again disappearing from his house arrest drug treatment center in Tampa. On May 1, he was sentenced to more time at a drug treatment center.
  • On March 12, 2002, Strawberry was back in jail for violating several non-drug rules at the drug treatment center where he was on probation in Ocala, Florida. On April 29, he was ordered to serve the 22-month suspended prison sentence from 1999.
  • On September 17, 2005, Strawberry reported his sport utility vehicle had been stolen from a Miami, Florida gas station but the station's surveillance video showed Strawberry leaving as a passenger in another vehicle. A tipster then told police that Strawberry had earlier left his SUV behind a sports bar and given her the keys. He was later charged with filing a false police report.
  • On December 14, 2005, Strawberry's second wife, Charisse, filed for divorce in Hillsborough County, Florida court.
Even if this book touches on half of that stuff, it can be summarized in one word....Awesome!


HZMLS said...

Color me stupid....But Darryl Strawberry worked in the Deputy Office? Don't they do background checks for something like that?

Raquel said...

The end days are upon us.

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