Wednesday, February 25, 2009

HZMLS Rants About Boring Things in Sports

I fucking hate going to school, like with a passion. If my work wasn't paying for me to go, I would never step foot in a classroom again. Listening to people who are like six years younger than me, who have never done my job, tell me how to do it, is a joke. Seriously. Plus class is usually fucking boring, if I wanted to learn about something I would pick up a book, scholarly journal or documentary. I don't care what a 21 year old broad has to say about some stupid shit that happened in their life. After working all day, I think class would fall somewhere around getting a colonoscopy and listening to a Yoko Ono album in my "Things I want to do with my free time". Lets look at other sporting events that are as boring as sitting in class, and some ways to spice it up:

1. The Boston Marathon
. My god, watching a bunch of underweight Africans beat the piss out of a slew of white, slower Americans is boring. Sorry but it is, the winner clocks in about 2 1/2 hours but some take like 8-10 hours. Included in this crew is a load of retards that dress up, one like Santa Claus, a Giant Baby, two assholes who got married, I mean the list goes on and on. The only way that the Boston Marathon could get more interesting is if they somehow could convince Vince Wilfork, that morbidly obese women who lives at IHOP, and John Popper to run as far as they can without dying. Just keep a camera on them and watch the Crisco leak out of the pores.

2. The NFL Draft
. Two seconds of intrigued mixed in with 20 minutes of commercials, Mel Kiper Jr., that insufferable dickhole Tom Jackson, and lots of families that just found a multi million dollar cash cow. Here is some friendly advice, TIVO the entire draft, and just watch it on fast forward, it will make the entire ordeal like 50000x more appealing

3. Any and All Star Game or Festivity.
Football sucks, baseball is overdone, basketball is terrible, I don't know if Hockey even has an All Star game, but it would be better off if they didn't. Watching a group of super awesome athletes play at 10%, with the media hype machine cranked to overdrive, is obnoxious. Sorry friends the Home Run Derby is boring as well, it goes on FOREVER, all with the joy of listening to the screams and yells of Chris Berman. Here is a suggestion, make the entire game a huge drinking game. You score a bucket, you drink, base hit, drink, strikeout, drink, sack, drink. I think the time from when they were buzzed, to right before they threw up would be primo.

4. Spring Training
. At one time, Spring Training had an appeal. Would Pedro show up on time, what shape would Mo Vaughn show up in, oooh look at the Red Sox's newest acquisition Mike Lansing! Now, lets be honest the last couple of years has lost that zazz. What the hell do we have to be excited about now? Who the fuck cares if the Red Sox beat the piss out of BC, it is completely pointless. And the end result of a Spring Training is completely arbitrary.
"Hey Smarty, did the Sox win?"
"Nah, the Twins killed them"
"Why did Dice-K pitch poorly?"
"Nope they hammered Charlie Zink"

. The Mayors Cup must be used by David Ortiz to guzzle his mango juice before a long road trip. There is no way Spring Training can be interesting, it is way too long, and included far too many players who we will never hear from ever again. We are looking at you David Pauley.

So there you have it, some useless crap about sports that I find boring, without any pictures because my work laptop can't cut and paste pictures! I know, there was absolutely no reason for me to write this post, but you know what this is my blog! My release! Now sit back and take it.


Boatdrinks said...

You just were avoiding the 21 year old know nothing in class, I know!
But this allowed me to not look at the piles on my desk for two minutes or more so we both got a good deal.

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