Monday, February 9, 2009

Dear Sir, Eat A Bag of Dicks: Peyton Manning


Peyton, our hatred of you in New England is long-standing and well-deserved. You spent the formative years of your career guiding your “laser rocket arm” into the waiting hands of Pats DBs, and, only recently, have learned to actually throw to members of your own team during playoff games (unless they play for San Diego YOU FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE OH AN BTW YOU WERE ADOPTED FROM A FAMILY OF RETARDS). For all your accolades and records and public endorsements, you have a 7-8 postseason record, and 0-4 record against Florida, a ring in the most boring Super Bowl ever, a forehead that Jean-Claude Killy could ski down…and one other thing, one important, essential thing: a bag of dicks, right down your throat.

Now, Peyton-bashing is rampant in these here parts, but I’m not going to take the all-too-easy angles of “twitching at the line of scrimmage like Michael J. Fox” or “being one of Jerry’s Kids” or “a guy who had to pay a settlement of $300,000 to a Tennessee athletic trainer after dropping his pants in front of her while in college.” No, that shit’s too easy, and not nearly as current, or egregious, as your latest example of douche-dom: TRYING TO KILL A DIABETIC.


For those unfamiliar, ol’ Tardface thought it would be funny to throw Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler in the pool during Pro Bowl “preparations” last week in Hawaii. Manning, because he has the ‘tardism, didn’t hear Cutler’s cries of “UM, DUDE, PLEASE LET ME UNPLUG THE PIECE OF MEDICAL EQUIPMENT THAT KEEPS ME ALIVE” and jocularly threw Cutler and his diabetes monitor in the pool. EPIC LULLLZ. Except for the fact that Cutler’s insulin pump (reports say that it was his blood sugar monitor, but being a type 1 diabetic, I’m willing to bet anything that it was his insulin pump because that’s actually attached to the body) cannot be submerged in water, and malfunctioned. If it was his insulin pump, as I believe it was, then Manning destroyed the single thing that keeps Cutler, who is unable to produce insulin on his own, alive. WAY TO GO DICKEATER.

Now, as I stated, I'm a lifetime Type 1 diabetic, and I therefore consider myself somewhat of an expert on this whole diabeetus thing works. Type 1 diabetics, as I and Cutler are, are born either with a dysfunctional pancreas, or no pancreas at all. This is problematic in that the pancreas secretes an enzyme called insulin, which breaks down the sugar you eat into usable parts. Without insulin, the sugar lies dormant and unused, putting every organ and appendage at risk, and causing early death. Simply put, insulin keeps us alive, and I and Cutler therefore must wear an insulin pump 24/7 that rockets insulin into our bodies, letting us fucking not die. Insulin pumps are only to be taken off if you are going to shower or into a body of water, such as a pool, because the insulin pump will break and you will no longer have access to insulin. This, as mentioned earlier, would suck immensely. So it must take a giant dick-eater to throw a Type 1 diabetic in a pool, and if anyone attempted to throw me in a pool while I was wearing my insulin pump, I would instinctually out their esophagus with my teeth.

Thankfully, Cutler was able to quickly get a new pump/blood sugar monitor (again, I’m a bit suspicious of the reports here), mostly because he’s famous and rich and shit. But to the average diabetic, a broken insulin pump would spell sudden doom, as diabetics would be left to scramble for days until a new one showed up, risking life and limb, not to mention the thousands of dollars that a new pump would cost. Oh, and I won't even go into the shitloads of money per year we spend on diabetes test strips, the six times a day we test our blood sugar, the constant diet restrictions and rampant exercise routines we have to endure, and the sheer terror of having high/low blood sugar, which either renders you sleepy as fuck or as ADD as a five-year-old with a pinwheel. Being diabetic SUCKS. I can’t stress that enough. People like Jay Cutler, who achieve at a high level despite being Type 1 diabetics, are fucking heroes. And cumguzzling twats like Peyton Manning, who throw diabetics in a pool because they don’t know better, deserve to eat a bag of fucking dicks covered in rotten sardine juice and Worcestershire sauce. Fuck you Peyton Manning. Fuck you in your retard forehead. Just because there’s no cure for your mongoloidism doesn’t mean that you have to go trying to kill others. Dick eater.

1 comment:

Boatdrinks said...

Thank you Ghabby. I was pretty sure it had to be a pump too.