Thursday, February 19, 2009

Celtics Acquire the King!

Holy crap guys, I just heard that the C's acquired a guy whose nickname is "the King." Oh man, I totally know that we swung a deal for LeBron James, I just know it. Picture it, LeBron, Pierce, Garnett, Allen, Rondo - that would be the greatest starting five in history. Oh my god I'm leaving work early to go buy my LeBron James Celtics jersey now. Seriously, can you imagine? We'll win like five, six more championships with LeBron. They'll never lose a game again! Can you imagine how James would open the low-post for Garnett? Or allow Pierce to slash to the basket? And holy crap, Ray Allen would have every three-pointer wide open with defenders focusing on James. This is the greatest news I've ever heard. I just spontaneously ejaculated in my pants. Viva LeBron! Viva LeBron!

.....waitasec, we acquired a different "King?" Maybe it was Kevin Martin! Oh man, that dude can fucking SCORE! We could run three-guard lineups with Rondo, Allen and Martin and out-quick teams to death. Imagine Allen and Martin bombing away from three? Shit would be sick! And Martin's locked up long-term too, and at a reasonable price. Kevin Martin = Banner 18, easy!

...hold on, we didn't get Kevin Martin either? Then who the fuck did we get? Who is this "King" everyone's speaking about?

Will who? Huh? Who the fuck is Will Solomon? According to Wikipedia, our major trade deadline acquisition spent the last few years in Greece, Turkey and Israel before averaging a whopping 4.9 ppg this year for a shitty Toronto team. It could be argued that his career highlight was winning the ULEB Cup with Hapoel Jerusalem in 2004. I wish I was making this up. Oh, and he's from Hartford, the most godforsaken place on Earth.

Suffice it to say, this isn't the sort of acquisition I was hoping for as a Celtics fan, and provides us no frontcourt help, no scorer off the bench, no lock-down defender, and nobody that opposition teams will fear in even the slightest. But he is nicknamed "the King," so he's got that going for him.


HZMLS said...

Did Will Solomon play for the Taliban?

Yablo said...

It's cool, we just sent him to "The Kings" for well, nothing, really.

Man, I could have got work done this morning instead of refreshing espn every 30 seconds. Oh well.

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