Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Breakfast With the Hysterics

*People often say that the day after the MLB All-Star game is the slowest day of the sports calendar, but I'd like to state here and now that they're dead fucking wrong. The slowest day of the sports year is the day after the NBA All-Star Game. "But GHABBY, there's hockey and college basketball," you mouth-breathing humanoids whine. Well whoopity shit, hockey that nobody (sans Raquel) watches and ONE fucking college basketball game that was over before I ate dinner (I eat dinner late). LAME. Meanwhile, the day after the MLB All-Star game takes place in fucking July, so you can at least go outside and enjoy nice weather. Yesterday? Nobody fucking barbecued yesterday. Nobody chose to spend their day playing in the pool instead of watching sports. Nobody went to the motherfucking beach. No, instead we froze our asses off, coughed and sniffled like someone with the Black Plague and wondered why there wasn't any fucking basketball on the tube. Then we watched pornography, went to bed early and cried ourselves to sleep. And by we, I mean HZMLS.

*The Celtics are apparently getting a lot less ugly, as ESPN is reporting that they're trading Gorak Testicledance to the Kings for a second-round pick. This frees up a roster spot for the Celtics to pick up someone who doesn't frighten children and dogs, and may actually appear in more than the zero games Cassell played in this year. Chad Ford noted that "Cassell hasn't played a game for the Celtics this season, but he's been an important veteran voice in the locker room." Yeah, sure buddy. I bet it's Cassell who controls the locker room stereo and decides what card game they're playing on the plane. Not, say, someone who's appeared in an actual minute of play.

*David Ortiz has asked for a one-year suspension for all MLB players that test positive for steroids. Ya know, I'm actually glad that Papi came out and said this, as I was always suspicious of a guy who averaged 10 HR per year before coming to Boston, and 39 HR per year since. But by Ortiz essentially saying "not only did I not do 'roids, but everyone who does them should get kicked out for a year," he's pretty much cleared himself from all suspicion. Well played. Though now we know the secret ingredient in his Mango Salsa isn't HGH, but actually liquified Crisco like we all suspected. David Ortiz - fueled by Little Debbie.


HZMLS said...

So will Sam Cassell be sitting on the bench in a suit the entire game in Sacramento as well?

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

I watch hockey too. Dick.

The Atlanta-LA game was pretty damn exciting, too. I feel sorry for people who get their definition of "sport" from ESPN.

Rocco said...

Hockey > that roundball shit you watch. I'm 6'5, watch me jump. Oooh!

GHABB,Y~! said...

In my defense, my hockey hate came after six months of low-paying enslavement by the buffoons at Delaware North. When you stare into the black, soulless eyes of Charlie Jacobs every day, bitterness and apathy towards hockey often ensue.

Also, I had watched a ton of Ted Dibiase promos last night and felt like writing in total heel mode. You guys know I love ya.

ballamiguel said...

Papi actually looks like he's lost 15 lbs...I'm more concerned with his wrists.