*The Bruins failed in their biggest test of the season last night, losing to the Sharks 5-2. The B's even had the lead heading into the third, but Tim Thomas let up four goals in the last period, which is apparently bad. This game, at least from what I saw on Sportscenter, teaches us that the Bruins, while good, are apparently not yet ready to compete with the best of the Western Conference. That means, if they were a celebrity, they'd probably be Miley Cyrus - definitely hot, but not quite there yet and prone to occasionally doing some stupid shit. Also, given that analogy, Jeremy Jacobs would play the role of Billy Ray Cyrus, the aging, butt-of-every-joke douche trying to cling desperately onto some semblance of positive press, while actually having no idea how to run a team/parent. Sounds about right.
*From the "I wonder if this will fuck up his Hall of Fame campaign" category, Roberto Alomar is being sued by an ex-girlfriend for...wait for it...just a bit longer...hold on...GIVING HER FULL BLOWN AIDS. (And props to the Daily News for using the actual term "full-blown AIDS in the lead) Holy fucking shit! I've seen "lawsuits from angry exes," but this takes it to a completely different level, blowing Ron Mexico out of the water. If I was that umpire whose face Alomar spit in, I'd be freaking the fuck out right now. Luckily, Jimmy Buffet is going to play at an Alomar benefit and sing songs such as "AIDSburger in Paradise" and "Wasting Away Again Because of AIDS and Stuff." Luckily, Alomar is in possession of the cure for AIDS, which is piles and piles of cash, melted down into liquid form and injected into the bloodstream.
*In happier news, I'm on a boat.
Seriously, the Lonely Island guys, who wrote this, "Dick in a Box," "Lazy Sunday," "Jizz in my Pants" and the awesome Natalie Portman rap, came out with their album "Incredibad" yesterday, and it was the best 12 bucks on iTunes I've ever spent. All the videos (sadly minus "I'm on a Boat) are there, as is some of their older stuff. "Incredibad" earns the Mass Hysteria Diabeetus Kitteh Seal of Approval: