Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Breakfast With the Hysterics

*No Celtics or Bruins last night, Roethlisberger might have had broken ribs during the Super Bowl, BU won the Beanpot with two shorthanded goals in 30 seconds...ahhh, who the fuck am I kidding, there's one story, and one story only today:


Yes, the dominant story of yesterday and, presumably for the next 4483869573 days will center around yesterday's admission by homosexual_rod that he took performance-enhancing drugs (and I'm not talking about his performance with tranny hookers either, ba-zing!) from 2001-2003. Obviously, as a Red Sox fan, this news was schadenfreudelicious, as A-Rod was the guy who spurned the Red Sox to sign with the Yankees, slapped Arroyo, was Manhattan's most popular Power Bottom, etc. etc.

But, strangely enough, I'm not giddy, ecstatic, boneriffic or other assorted feelings you'd expect from a Sox fan finding out that the Yankees' top star just got caught with his hand in the syringe jar. In fact, I'm downright fucking terrified. Why? Because I know, at some point, the other shoe is going to drop.

Think about it. Rodriguez was just one of 104 names who tested positive in the 2003 random (and allegedly anonymous) baseline drug testing. That means there's 103 more guys on that list, a list that you just know is going to be released within the next few days in what will clearly be the biggest moment in internet history. And let me spoil it a little for you folks: the news probably ain't gonna be good.

I've spent the last 24 hours analyzing the career patterns of my favorite recent Red Sox - Ortiz's meteoric out-of-nowhere rise and subsequent breaking down, Nomar looking like mid-70s Arnold before tearing tendons left and right, Pedro going from throwing high-90s to barely being able to break 80, and Trot Nixon being Trot Nixon. Now, and let me stress this, I'm not accusing anyone here of anything, and there is a possibility (albeit small) that our favorite Sox could be exempt from the List of 104. But as someone who wrote a 173 page thesis on the effect of steroids on professional athletes, my Magic 8-Ball is telling me "not motherfucking likely."

Now, I also could take this opportunity to get all sanctimonious and Lupica-esque about "the sanctity of the game" and "hallowed records" and other assorted bullshit, but to be honest, my motives here are much more selfish. The Red Sox of the past few years have been my guys, and it'll surely suck to find out that my guys were juicing. Hell, it was bad enough to find out that Clemens, who I patterned my Little League pitching career after, was a fucktard and a juicer. To add guys like Ortiz, Varitek, Nomar and Pedro to that list...that would just be the proverbial kick to the scrotum to my memories of baseball fandom over the past decade or so. And that would suck, because being a baseball fan in this town has been pretty awesome since 1999 or so, and I would hate to see those memories tainted.

But most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Fuck A-Rod. That cheating, tranny-loving, purple-lipped, purse-carrying, Madonna-fucking, sellout roid monkey piece of shit. While I'm glad he got caught, I'm even more pissed he may have opened up Pandora's Box. Douche.


HZMLS said...

Less ARod talk, more Katy Perry's cleavage at the Grammys Talk.


Raquel said...

I couldn't possibly agree with you more (unless you said something like, "yes, Santonio Holmes and Larry Fitzgerald WOULD make an awesome Eiffel Tower"). As much as A-Rod drives me nuts, I always looked to him as evidence that sheer natural talent can prevail in modern baseball.

Honestly? The person I'm most worried might be a juicer is Albert Pujols. How fucking much would THAT suck?

Oh, and if Pedro's name is sullied, I will quit watching baseball forever.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I'd f--k that girl. And she'd like it.

This is my unofficial guesstimate re: the Sox and Roids:

Nomar: absolutely.

Trot: probably

Ortiz: maybe -- let's say I wouldn't be surprised if that came out -- but there ARE non-steroid explanations for his improvement; namely, that he changed his swing after the Twins days to more of an uppercut. I remember him ripping flat line drives everywhere as a Twin -- he was like Carlos Quintana. Good average, great power, but no altitude. Now, he's sacrificed contact and average for more power by using a bigger uppercut.

Manny: I would bet tons of money that Manny didn't use, or that if he did, he had no clue he was using. Just a freak of nature.

Pedro: I can see an argument both ways.

Millar: I don't think it was steroids he was using (burble burble burble). Hey, you got any Doritos?

My $.02.