Sunday, February 15, 2009

Benadryl Liveblog: NBA All-Star Game 1st Half

Today is Day 5 of DETHFLU 09, the fifth straight day in which I've been unable to breathe properly, go five minutes without coughing like Wyatt Earp, and my nose dripping like Linda Cohn's meat curtains during Rangers highlights. (you're welcome kids) So, to celebrate my state of horridness, I figured I'd bring you another in the series of "Liveblogs Under Substances," with the first-ever Mass Hysteria Benadryl LiveBlog for the NBA All-Star Game. As always, my altered mental state is yours to enjoy:

8:25: Wait I thought they were having Shaq do the intros? Booooooo. Shaq should be the emcee of every event EVER, not Alvin from the Cosby Show.

8:27: Oh snap, a dance crew! Somewhere, Mario Lopez is trying to collect royalty money. Why didn't any of them break out cardboard and do some headspins?

8:31: SHAQ IN A MASK DANCING!!!!!!11111!!!!1!!!!!!111!! That's even better than him doing intros. This is already the best All-Star Game EVER. That dance solo included pants-ripping too. Shaq is the greatest man ever, all time, all my life.

8:35: Aaaand we've got headspins~! And the upside-down bicyle! And much popping and/or locking! Epic. Winnar. And just as I type this, they ruin my intro boner by bringing up the Buffalo plane crash victims. Thanks guys, really.

8:46: Apparently all 29 other teams have called the Suns about Amare. However, 15 of them were to wish a Happy Valentines Day, three were to ask the Suns switch cable television providers, one was to remind the Suns of a doctors appointment, and all but one of the rest were Shaq making local prank phone calls. In fact, the only team that actually called with interest in Amare was the Bulls, who offered That Swiss Guy Named Thabo and Drew Gooden's goatee. The Suns are mulling the offer.

8:53: They should put one "defensive specialist" on each team, whose sole job will be to annoy the crap out of the opposing team's best scorer and make it so the game doesn't turn into ping-pong. We're like seven minutes in and I'm kinda dizzy.

8:57: There's been all this complaining about Iverson cutting his cornrows off, but seriously folks, the man is 33 years old. If the man wants to sleep in for an hour in the morning after 12 years playing like the NBA's version of a human cannonball, I think we should let him. Also, Shaq is awesome, but he really shouldn't dribble ever.

9:02: Shaq just proved that basketball supports are much, much stronger than they used to be. Also, to answer HZMLS' question, yes, Shaq has a decent chance of winning the NBA's most useless award ever, at least until the vast Adam Morrison conspiracy is loosened and he's allowed to be the 20ppg scorer we all know our Pancreas-free Hero can be.

9:13: Oh yeah, the game. The West scored 24 points in the last five and a half minutes, including 19 unanswered, to take a 34-27 lead. But let's not kid ourselves, if you were really interested in the play-by-play, you probably wouldn't be reading this right now.

9:22: Pierce has been absolutely on fire in this game. It's fun to see him in an All-Star game without that "oh my god, can one of your teams kidnap me so I don't have to go back to Boston and be the only offensive option" look on his face that he sported for many of his early ASG appearances. Reason 48,749 I'm glad the Celtics are good again: Paul Pierce's "prisoner of war video" face.

9:40: Because I know you ignorant assholes will ask, no, Dwyane Wade isn't paying tribute to Nelly, he has a cut under his eye that required stitches. Why he couldn't wear a regular band-aid, I have no idea, but to answer the question I know you're going to ask, no, he's not going to sing "Country Grammar."

9:43: Girlfriend: "Why is Muhammad Ali wearing sunglasses indoors?" Me: "Because he's Muhammad Ali and can do whatever the fuck he wants."

9:45: Girlfriend: "Why is Bill Russell eating cake?" Me: "Because he's Bill Russell and can do whatever the fuck he wants."

Halftime, West 72 East 67. Pierce is the game's leading scorer with 14 points, and Kobe is the game's leading raper with 1.


HZMLS said...

Jordin Sparks looks like she could out eat Shaq at Country Kitchen Buffet

HZMLS said...

Dwight Howard leads the league in Dunks? They seriously track that?

HZMLS said...

Did Marv Albert seriously say there is good defense in this game?

HZMLS said...


Question: Does Shaq have a real chance at winning Comeback Player of the Year?

HZMLS said...

What the fuck is a Foul?

HZMLS said...

I kept wondering who the fucking creepy white faced dancers were that seem to be on everything NBA. Then I find out they won some shitty MTV reality show.

SmartyBarrett said...


Boatdrinks said...

I am flipping between food and bball. Who will win?

HZMLS said...

Hey Charles, you know what would make eating the crawfish easier? About 10 Gin and Tonics and head from the girl who gives the best blowjobs EVER.

Boatdrinks said...

Okay, the bbq lady one. Back to Bball full time. She cried. The Massachusetts cod lady was just happy to be there. The waffle lady finished her dish. There, your food recap.

Anonymous said...

"and my nose dripping like Linda Cohn's meat curtains during Rangers highlights."

Ahhhh...yes the stupid bitch Linda Cohn that NOBODY likes except for the inept retards that run ESPN! Not to mention this pathetic loser below:

This Abe_Froman is a sad pathetic fuck who apparently lives in his parents basement masturbating over an asshole that upsetted Ken Griffey Jr. recently with her BS! Enjoy your life in purgatory loser!

On the bright side, there is this:

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! TWENTY FIVE stitches! I only wish the bitch fell backwards, hitting the back of her head on the ice, rendering her unconscious, then we would be spared of her grating voice and lack of professionalism forever!

Would be so awesome to see a fan made video of one of the Battletoads punching Cohn multiple times and then finishing her off with the Super Sized Punch!