Wednesday, February 4, 2009

BC Announces 2009 Recruiting Class

(AP)The Boston College Eagles are pleased to announce their 2009 Recruiting Class, the first under new Head Coach Frank Spaziani. Many of the experts felt that BC's highly publicized excommunication of Jeff Jagozinski would make any elite player lose interest, and in many cases they were right. Although no Top 100, or Top 250 Recruits were signed this year. Spaziani learned quickly that most elite football players don't want to a) read books b) play football for a team that is still missing half its coaching staff c) sleep with coeds that are all either from Boston or New Jersey. Though many analysts think that BC had a poor recruiting season, Spaziani is pleased with the players he signed.

Some of the key signings include Steve McSimmons a 5'7 QB from Union NJ. Undersized for his position McSimmons fell off many of the recruiting charts because of his arm strength, mobility, and accuracy as a passer. Dominique Davis is the starter for the foreseeable future, but it will give McSimmons the opportunity to learn Davis signature plays of "Throw weakly and five yards away from the nearest receiver" and "SLOW QB Draw for 2 Yards" BC was also excited to declare their first recruit from Zaire, N'gok'ok Undowu, a 7'8" 120lb wideout, who Frank Spaziani has high hopes for once he recovers from malaria and learns to run. BC continued to recruit kickers from within, recruiting Tom Brown a Junior who lives in the Mods, who one scout last year saw him kick a nerf football 40 yards across a parking lot even when he was "completely shitbricked"

On the offensive line Spaziani located four morbidly obese linemen in Mississippi, all topping the scales at over 450 pounds each. None of them have ever played football before in their life, but Spaziani sees potential in them. The teams goal is to slowly wean them off of Whoppers and Chocolate Shakes, and get them on a strict diet of Beserk Juice (a mix of protein and Andro). As for running backs Spaziani feels he got the deal of the century with the recruitment of Billy Greame, a hard luck RB from Atlantic City. Many of the big schools like Florida and USC laid off of Greene, because he has a history of "smoking weed" before games, and getting stabbed in the back by his girlfriend. The final major player recruited was Charles Girthy a 280 pound TE that finished his senior year with 40 receptions for 80 yards.

Though the final outcome of this recruiting class will not be able to be assessed for four years, this follows in the great tradition of Boston College recruiting. Spaziani says that he is excited to talk football with them. a passion they all share, well except for Undowu, who won't be released from quarantine until mid July. And Greame, who has already been suspended for assaulting a women on Comm Ave on the way to sign his letter of intent.


GHABB,Y~! said...

It should also be noted that MH favorite Barkevious Mingo announced today that he'll be attending LSU, forcing me to root against a man with an awesome name for the forseeable future.

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