Thursday, January 8, 2009
at 2:40 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
I know what everyone is thinking. "Oh man, you know what I miss? The college hoops report!" And who can blame you? I mean, who didn't miss the college hoops post? (Overwhelming show of hands.) OK, fine, fine. I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs!
Ahem. Where was I? Ah yes, well I have been on a two-week hiatus from the hoops scoop, but there has been one overwhelming college basketball story in the past few weeks. In case you hadn't heard, your Boston College Eagles upset the #1 ranked North Carolina Tarheels over the weekend. And being that this is a Boston sports blog, that game is going to be the entire focus of this week's wrap-up. That and, of course, college. We've covered the ladies you loved and the ladies you hated, and we've covered your buddies. Now, onto the gatherings that included all of the above. I'm of course speaking of the college party. Now hopefully everyone can relate to at least one of the party experiences I touch on here, but if not, here's a song lyric that sums up my college experiences:
"OK Smarty, go to a party, girls are scantily clad and showin' body. A girl walks by and you wish you could sex her, but you standin' on the wall like you was Poindexter."
The Party Where The Booze Was Free, You Won 11 Beer Pong Games In A Row, And Everyone Saw You Leave With The Hot Chick
If you're anything like me, it's not often that you're considered "the man". Maybe more like "that guy". But a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while, as they say, and becoming the legend of a party is something I think even the awkwardest of us have accomplished at least once in our lives. And when people you don't even know are telling the epic tale of your evening, you know it was a success. This week's award goes to, of course, the BC Eagles. Talk about a win no one expected, except of course, HzMLS. But I mean, he shouldn't even count. In his mind, it's BC playing Oklahoma for the national title tonight, with Matt Ryan at QB, Jags at the helm, and Doug Flutie doing the play-by-play. At any rate, BC played an absolute complete game, with tremendous defense that collapsed towards the interior when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named got the ball, they had a great scheme of double-teams and switching, and their offense was a function of good, smart passes, timely shooting, and of course Tyrese Rice. Now, if after the aformentioned party, you were to puke your guts out, jizz yourself before even penetrating that hot chick, and get busted for a DUI, well, that would be a great symbol for the Harvard game last night.
The Party That You Thought Was Going To Kick Ass But The Kegs Ran Out Before You Got There, The Only Girl To Hit On You Had Visible Camel Toe, And The Cops Broke It Up At Like 10:30
I always knew the big deal parties when there were fliers circulating around campus. Kegs, girls, ice luge, and all within walking distance of campus. SWEET. You gear up all week, then when the day finally arrives you put your game face on, your Jean-Paul Gaultier on, and get ready to get your drink on. The only problem is when you get there, the hosts of the party are already hammered, the kegs are kicked, the cups are gone, and nothing is fun. You get into the kicthen where it's so packed you can't even breathe and you start scrounging for a Big Bird sippie cup so you can mix some of the E&J you found in the basement with the V8 Splash you found in the fridge. When the cops come and start busting skulls you're kind of relieved that you have an excuse to get out of there. Well the North Carolina Tar Heels were feeling the same way after their performance against the locals. I mean, there were talks of running the table, undefeated seasons and Ty Lawson and Danny Green gang-bangs. Now all out the window. Which is where you probably climed when the cops started checking IDs.
The Party Where You Got So Drunk You Ended Up Hooking Up With The Ugly Chick You And Your Buddies Always Made Fun Of
Pajama Girl. Bucket Head. Midget Girl. Lacrosse Dyke. The Ugliest Girl In The World. These were all legit nicknames my friends and I had for various girls when I was in college. I can say with a bit of pride that I never hooked up with any of them, but I certainly wouldn't have put it past my drunk self if they happened to run into me late on a Friday night ready to throw down. Once the goggles get going and Lil' Smarty needs to wake up, or a warm hole to rest in, well... you've been there, I'm sure. And you end up feeling like an idiot the next morning, knowing that your buddies will make matters worse by rubbing it in. Wayne Ellington feels your pain. Midway through the second half he emerged from the pack after a steal, poised for a break-away lay-up. Well he tried to get a little fancy with a dunk and BC's Rakim Sanders ended up catching him from behind and blocking the shot. Needless to say, he could have easily avoided it if he wasn't such an idiot, and it ended up being a very embarassing play. Sanders is a straight beast, and only a sophomore. What state is he from again? Rugged and rough, that's how we do it.
The Party Where Your Rookie Freshman Ass Actually Got Invited By Mistake And You Felt Super-Cool
Anyone will agree that the hardest part of college was freshman year. No friends, no parents to loan you cash, and no map of campus, ensuring that you got lost at least 10 times in your first week. Plus, this whole independent shit isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have to do laundry for the first time in your life. Then you somehow poke your head into a conversation in your calculus class and hear about a party coming up. Then one of the dudes spies you eavesdropping and tells you to swing by. Jackpot. You felt almost as good as BC freshman Reggie Jackson did this week after his 17 point performace against the Tar Heels. Jackson held his own against one of the best teams in the country, going 8 for 14 from the floor in only 26 minutes. Now all he needs is a bitchin' pair of glasses.