Monday, January 12, 2009

What the Celtics Need

Now, many of you may have woken up this morning, read the headline "Celtics beat Raptors" in your morning paper and thought "Happy Happy Joy Joy, the Celtics' slump is ended and they're now ready to embark on another 19-game winning streak, huzzah!" However, I am here to tell you that last night's win, while a necessary and thankful end to the C's four-game losing streak, further established that the Celtics are in desperate and dire need of one thing, and one thing only.

No, not Stephon Marbury.

Nope, not P.J. Brown either.

Nay, not even some massive trade that lands the C's Larry Hughes, Monta Ellis, Mike Miller, Andre Miller and the corpse of Yinka Dare in exchange for Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine's ruby red pubic mane.

Rather, there is just one thing that the Celtics are in desperate need of, more than any team in the league. That, friends, is a nap. A nice, long, restful nap, lasting hours, days, weeks, maybe a month - basically, as much time as it takes until the C's stars are rested, refreshed and ready to start the their homestretch and playoff run.

Take it from someone who scheduled his college classes around the all-important 2pm-5pm nap: Naps are awesome. I sleep better when I nap than I do at night, and the most grueling athletic thing I've ever done is chased the Mr. Hotdog ice cream truck two blocks in the name of getting a Choco Taco. And what did I do after consuming that Choco Taco in 3.4 seconds? I took a nap. And it was an awesome nap, so awesome that I remember it years later. The lure of the afternoon nap has made me seriously consider moving to Spain, solely for the chance to be able to nap in the afternoon and not get fired for it. And I don't even speak Spanish.

The Celtics' top three stars, meanwhile, are all in their thirties, and have played a combined 2,662 regular season NBA games, as well as hundreds more playoff games. Combine this with the thousands of high school, college and pickup games that Pierce, Allen and Garnett have played in their lifetimes, and it's clearly evident that these three men have earned the right to enjoy the glory and splendor that is an afternoon snooze.

Yes, the Celtics may have won yesterday, but aside from Allen's 36 point outburst, the team shot a lowly 33% from the field. KG shot 3-16, and is averaging only 13 points per game over his last five. Pierce played 41 minutes despite re-aggravating a knee that he hyperextended a few weeks back. Allen had a great game, but had looked painfully bad in the C's previous few games, shooting only 29% from three in the C's eight losses, most of which have come since Christmas. They won 19 straight games and had the fastest start of any team in NBA history, which brought with it immense amounts of pressure and included many instances where the C's opposition threw everything they had at the Green. The Celtics have played more games than anyone in the league, including four more than Cleveland and three more than the Lakers. Simply put, our guys are fucking tired.

So, while it may not be the popular opinion, I say give our Non-Caucasian Three what they deserve: a nice, long nap. Let Pierce take the next week or so off to rest his knee. Give Garnett a few games to get his legs back under him. Thank Allen for his game last night and reward him with a few nights off to ice his surgically-repaired ankles. Hell, give them all a month off, I don't care, whatever it takes. Will it lead to a few more losses? Probably. But it's not like the C's are losing the division (their closest contender is 11 games back right now) and while Cleveland and Orlando are wearing down come April and May, the well-rested C's will be rested and gearing right up for another playoff run. Because, in the NBA, as much as they like to tell you that "every game counts," the January and February games count a lot less than the games they'll be playing in May and June.

In conclusion, it's been said that everything you ever really need to know, you learned in Kindergarten. Part of that is true - counting, sharing, the alphabet, etc. - these were all things taught to us in our formative years. However, I learned one very, very important lesson in kindergarten, one that I still live by today: naptime is awesome. I can only hope the Celtics learned the same lesson.


Boatdrinks said...

My God Ghabby, that is brilliant! I missed a nap two weekends ago, and it was BAD!
I caught a mini one yesterday, yet could do with another NOW.

HZMLS said...

Wait, so the Celtics haven't been napping the past two weeks?

HZMLS said...

My basketball knowledge is sort of weak so I had to look up Yinka Dare. Found this gem on his wiki page: "He still holds the NBA record for most consecutive minutes played without an assist".


SmartyBarrett said...

You must never question the kind of talent the Atlantic 10 can produce.

Rocco said...

Naps are for pussies.